Okay, screenwriters, take a break.
Tools down!
Relax.
It’s time for our little game.
I’m going to give you some titles.
I want you to give me the imaginary loglines for them.
The funniest logline wins.
This is the place for comedians, secret wits, and rebels with a cause to shine, because I would really like to see some funny, hilarious, off-the-wall ideas here… and yes, there will be prizes. And p.s. this contest is in honor of Joe Whyte with great appreciation, and the hope he gets a laugh from these entries.
EXAMPLE:
DUCK L’ORANGE — Pixar’s sequel to Ratatouille finds a sensitive mallard, Prudhome, blown off course during the annual winter migration only to wind up in Tustin, California where he discovers his innate abilities as a sous-chef.
DIRECTIONS:
Simply scan the list of possible titles below, pick no more than 3, and submit your entry in the Comments section. One entry per person, 100 word limit total; violators will be three-hole punched.
The winner will get a complete Save the Cat! Book #1, Book #2, and a copy of the software. Runners Up and Honorable Mentions may also receive a little something, depending on the genius displayed.
Deadline for all entries: June 1, 2008
Good luck!
BEVERLY HILLS
THE LAND OF NOD
ALPHABET SOUP
BLUEBEARD
LAMP UNTO MY FEET
CHILI TODAY, HOT TAMALE
DESIGNATED DRIVER
LAWYERS, GUNS AND MONEY
CONAN: THE EARLY YEARS
INDIANA JONES 5
APPLE PIE BETTY
KNUCKLEHEADS
ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL
ANACHRONISM
WHOOPS
SPEEDING
JUNO 2
TIME, FORTUNE, PEOPLE AND ROLLING STONE
UNDERTOW
WITHOUT A NET
PAPER OR PLASTIC?
Blake Snyder
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LAWYERS, GUNS AND MONEY: Frankie Carbone, the preeminent defense lawyer for the ruthless New York Spadoni family, suddenly turns State’s evidence ratting out Don Vito Spadoni and is forced to go deep into the Witness Protection Program hiding out as the singer for a Warren Zevon tribute band based out of Tucemcari, New Mexico. All hell breaks loose and he goes on the run after singing the wrong song at a local Italian wedding for a distant cousin of Don Vito.
THE LAND OF NOD
In a magical hidden world of bliss a young man defies tradition and rebels against the elders when for the first time in the known history of NOD, he shakes his head.
ANA CHRONISM
The long lost cousin of ANNA KARENINA finds herself racing across America on the Amtrak train with a husband she doesn’t love, searching for her son she lost in luggage. Eventually losing all hope, she throws herself from the speeding locomotive near Albuquerque, New Mexico.
INDIANA JONES 5
INDIANA JONES AND THE MAYAN COLANDER
The famed archeologist Indiana Jones is brought back from cryogenic hibernation to save civilization from the Mayan Calendar Countdown to December 21, 2012. He must fight zombie Mayan warriors, Aztec chieftains, rabid llamas, Nazi war criminals, and the ACLU, in order to find the ancient kitchen utensil known as the Mayan Colander which holds the secret to reversing the ticking clock that will end the human race. Or not.
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I’m new to this submission thing, but what a blast. If it’s a 100 word count total then I’m prepared for the three hole punch. (It’s better than being punched in the hole three times) That’s okay, I have all the books anyway and I will get the third upon release. Blake, when are you coming to San Diego? Unfortunately, I have neither the time nor the money to travel and I’m a big fan. I’m sure you have many down here. I shall be waiting with baited breath. Mainly night crawlers. Yuck.
TIME, FORTUNE, PEOPLE, AND ROLLING STONE
To satisfy the deathbed wishes of his poverty-riddled father, a recent high school grad intends to conquer the world as a rock star, a paparazzi darling, a millionaire, and a political demagogue. His schemes are put in jeopardy by the most inopportune of events: he falls in love.
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Fun stuff Blake! Thanks!
Oops! Looks like I misunderstood. I thought it was three. Sorry. Withdrawn with humble apologies. But it does say pick no more than three. I’m an idiot.
The Land of Nod –
How far down is rock bottom? Three ivy league academics, eager to determine the limits of the human character, embark on a journey of discovery as they voluntarily cultivate crippling heroin addictions.
^Not really funny, but I think I’d still go see it.
Conan: The Early Years
An awkward, yet burly, young Cimmerian must overcome the greatest challenge of life in Hyborea, finding a date to the junior prom.
Undertow:
John ‘Lohunakana’ McMullen (Will Ferrell), celebrated scottish pub-hero, dissapointed with less-than-glamourous life of a curling champion, embarks on the greatest adventure of his life: to fulfill his childhood fantasy of being a world class surfer.
BEVERLY HILLS: Beverly, an aging trophy wife, decides to get her breasts enlarged when her movie-mogul husband begins falling for a young actress. After the surgery she discovers they’re much bigger than she had planned, mostly because inside her breasts are now an array of secret gadgets and weapons.
DESIGNATED DRIVER: A man crashes parties, offering himself up as a designated driver in return for free food and a good time. But what his inebriated passengers soon discover is that their driver does indeed love to drink. Their blood!
SPEEDING: An overly-cautious accountant is dumped by his girlfriend for not being exciting enough for her, telling him that he couldn’t even get a speeding ticket if he tried. He tries to prove her wrong, by spending the rest of the night speeding around town. Not only does he not get stopped, but soon discovers he can break any law he wants and not get caught.
SPEEDING
A dying man hijacks a city bus to fulfill his last wish of seeing the USA, giving the humdrum passengers the ride of their lives on a wacky cross-country odyssey.
ANACHRONISM
A historian from the far future on a temporal field trip to modern Los Angeles loses her time machine – disguised as a stopwatch – and must try to blend in while tracking it down before her future disappears.
THE LAND OF NOD: A fantasy-adventure in the vein of “The NeverEnding Story.” An overworked corporate father must journey into the dangerous and surreal Land of Nod (The Land of Dreams) to rescue his son from the night terrors that haunted his own dreams as a child.
DESIGNATED DRIVER: An Odyssey-like comedy where a lovable loser offers to drive an attractive drunk woman home, only to find an endless stream of bad weather, traffic problems, overzealous cops, and jealous ex-boyfriends standing in the way.
WITHOUT A NET: A lonely geek battles the elements, the National Park Service, and his own life-long fear of heights to win the heart of his extreme-sports-loving dream girl by BASE jumping off Yosemite’s El Capitan.
Kudos to shanelaporte! All three of yours made me laugh out loud, especially “Beverly Hills!” Bloody brilliant mate!
INDIANA JONES 5
Harrison Ford struggles to find an artifact he buried.
KNUCKLEHEADS
Frankie “Fingers,” world champion Puppeteer, struggles to retain his title against his sleazy nemesis, Davey “Digits,” but when an accident paralyzes his precious fingers, he must prove to himself and to his girlfriend that he’s more than just all hands.
BLUEBEARD
When a thankless, punk kid dresses up as BlueBeard for Halloween, a group of visiting aliens kidnaps him thinking he’s the real thing. Set on taking revenge out on Earth for the real Bluebeard’s misdeeds to an alien tourist long ago, the kid must play his pirate part to appease the aliens, save Earth and learn to appreciate what he has.
INDIANA JONES 5
When a baby shark is threatened by a local… oh, wait, wrong story.
When a has-been Boxer… no, no, still wrong.
…Here we go. When Indiana, at the ripe, old age of 85, discovers from his time-traveling great grandson that his past adventures have influenced the future destruction of the world, he must travel back in time with his future great-grandson to change the actions of his past self while still beating Nazi’s, saving village children, etc., to prevent the future apocalypse.
PAPER OR PLASTIC?
John Jacob, a seemingly simple bag boy at the local supermarket, stalks his customers at night, and kills them by way of their own choosing, paper or plastic. But when Jenna Westing, a detective who shops at the store, brings her own fabric bag, John Jacob has to match wits with the detective who is on his trail.
WITHOUT A NET
A lonely teenage techno-dork struggles to obtain a prom date with the high school beauty queen, but when his parents ground him from the internet for two weeks, he must resort to the post office to win her heart.
WHOOPS!
An African-American comedienne, who can hear dead people, agrees to allow her best friend’s husband’s GHOST to use her body so that they can experience love-making just one last time.
Problem is, afterwards, the two women fall in love and the comedienne now pretends to be deaf when the husband yells.
UNDERTOW: A fish out of water story where a freak ocean undertow forces a fish to breathe air, ride a bicycle and bring hope to the people of a small town where sushi-eating city slickers threaten to demolish the local aquarium where our hero discovers his long lost eighty children.
APPLE PIE BETTY: In this warm, instant animated classic, Rhubarb Bob and Ken Knish decide to reunite the old “Thanksgiving Gang” to finally get eaten as they go house-hopping in a very international L.A. neighborhood. Tito Tamale and Katy Kimchi also appear.
KNUCKLEHEADS: Two deformed inbred brothers from the hills find love in the big city with a pair of toe-headed Siamese twins after a prolonged battle with their abusive ex-boyfriend. The crowning achievement? A knock-out head-butt.
Apple Pie Betty
Betty, a small-town librarian who bakes the pies for the annual ‘Apple Pie Eating Contest’ is tired of not being noticed by the local vet and obtains a love potion. Accidentally putting it in every pie, a dozen men lust after her and the town’s ladies rage with jealousy.
Designated Driver
A young race-car driver in his prime is involved in a devastating crash and is banned from the sport. Down and out, he is approached by a Hollywood starlet who wants to hire him to be her driver, later revealing her true intentions.
TIME, FORTUNE, PEOPLE AND ROLLING STONE: Knowing that you have to start at the bottom and work your way up, an overly ambitious aspiring journalist gets jobs in the mailrooms of four magazines. But delivering all that correspondence leaves him little time to write — not to mention that two of his bosses are big-time jerks, that he catches herpes from the Xerox girl at one of the magazines, and that his mom is bugging him to mow the lawn.
JUNO 2: After once again having unprotected sex — this time on a tattered, beer-soaked couch with ten members of Sigma-Ep fraternity — Juno, now a college sophomore, learns she’s pregnant. Hearing this news, her father and step-mother throw her a big party, at which Liberty Bell, her half-sister calls her a “total slut.”
ALPHABET SOUP
A skinny, bookish librarian discovers a secret, ancient Mayan recipe for minestrone soup and uses it to win a national soup-tasting contest. Her prize, a lifetime supply of Campbell’s Chicken Alphabet, ultimately leads to a 200-pound weight gain, forcing her to choose between the love of her life, Richard Simmons, and her lifelong dream of spelling Homer’s Iliad out in her soup.
Hi Blake,
Enjoy!
Terence.
CHILI TODAY, HOT TAMALE – When Taco Bell Chef, Jose ‘Chili” Diaz, goes to visit his cousins in Eek, Alaska, in the dead of winter, he discovers that his over-the-top spicy dishes have the curious effect of turning the once grumpy town into a hotspot of unruly Love and Passion!
ANACHRONISM – When black American President, Seymour Ajegunla, is transported back in time to 1950 as part of a wacky science experiment, he discovers that his only way back to the present is if he can convince the white leader of the Hillbillies United Clan that he is in fact the President of the United States!
PAPER OR PLASTIC? – When loyal environmentalist, Zeke Fiennes, travels cross-country on a mission to convince people to use paper bags, he stumbles across a town that has never seen plastic. Zeke’s priorities suddenly change when the town’s folk agree to pay him fifty dollars for every plastic bag he can bring them!
THE LAND OF NOD
A night watchman learns to be a great leader and regains the respect of his son as he fights for survival, makes new friends, and restores order when, at the stroke of midnight on Halloween night, the figurines spring to life in a bobble head factory.
THE LAND OF NOD
Don, a dyslexic slacker, is in for rude awaking when he finds out that he is the heir-apparent of a Dnal, a magical land, inhabited by people addicted to caffeine. When Dnal is attacked by the infamous fighting force the Nuhs, Don must brew up the courage to become the leader Dnal deserves.
BLUEBEARD
A sexually insecure teen pays a classmate to be his “girlfriend” in an attempt to hide his true nature, and in the process finds that concealing who you are has consequences for everyone.
Beverly Hills – Although her mother’s an outspoken feminist, a desperate & unpopular newcomer to Beverly Hills High considers breast enlargements to fit in with the cool kids at school.
Indiana Jones 5 – Indy must save the world after he unwittingly helps the U.S. government unleash an ancient, uncontrollable, evil spirit power, The Anasazi Snake Beast.
I am STUNNED by the comedy contained in this blog!!! I think my favorite one was actually the simplest – Indiana Jones tries to find an artifact HE buried. ROTFLMAO!!!!! Pure genius. Dammit! There are TOO MANY CREATIVE, FUNNY, INTELLIGENT, not to mention GENEROUS people reading this blog!!!
All my best, folks. To paraphrase from “American Beauty” – WE RULE.
:)
jw
Bob, you’re a genius! The first thing I thought of was bobbleheads when I read THE LAND OF NOD. :)
Here’s mine:
JUNO 2 – Years after graduating high school and securing jobs at Sunny Delight, the still-dating Juno MacGuff and Paulie Bleeker must race to get engaged and married before Paulie’s religious mother finds out they’re pregnant again – with twins.
DESIGNATED DRIVER – A weak-armed golfer becomes an international PGA star when he recruits his strong-armed twin brother, a furniture mover, to hit all his tee shots for him.
APPLE PIE BETTY- An aging dominatrix struggles to hang on to her seductive ways, but now must lure new lovers by baking them delicious pastries.
WHOOPS – A desperately broke, cross-dressing Whoopi Goldberg impersonator takes the joke a little too far and is cast in Sister Act 3.
PAPER OR PLASTIC? – After receiving the hottest new environmentally friendly breast augmentation procedure made from the pulp of recycled books, an arrogant rising star discovers an interesting side effect; her implants are made from pages out of the Bible, and they are speaking to her.
INDIANA JONES 5: THE RESURRECTION (Monster in the house – Teen Comedy-Horror)
A group of American teenagers, on a cultural tour of South America, uncover the casket of a cursed archaeologist in a Mayan maze. All hell brakes loose as Indiana Jones’ bones are awoken and he hunts them down one by one armed with a one inch paint brush, leaf trowel, disposable scalpel and cracking whip.
THE LAND OF NOD
Working swing shift in a senior care facility used to be fun until three new residents watch the staff 24/7 with digital cameras.
ALPHABET SOUP
Using the alphabets of the world catapulted his soup company to number one in sales and the other major soup company is threatening a hostile take over.
CHILI TODAY, HOT TAMALE
When KNEW, a progressive television station that boosted its ratings by presenting the weather using two out-of-work actors posing as illegal aliens, is raided by ATF agents, the illegal alien weather crew is not found because they are in Hollywood emailing prerecorded forecasts over the internet.
DESIGNATED DRIVER
To have fun without the worry of a DUI or going home with Mr. Totally Wrong, four women hire a designated driver to transport them to the local watering holes every Friday night but Amy, Babs, and Charise discover the designated driver always drops Dee Dee off last.
INDIANA JONES and The Holy Stones of the First Temple
The Holy Stones of the First Temple are emeralds belonging to the original Rabinic leaders of Jerusalem and they are missing. It is rumored they are inscribed. Knowing the inscription may change the History of the world. Christian and Jewish leaders hire Indiana Jones to find the Holy Stones before the heathens discover them and reveal the inscription says, “Hècho en México”.
BLUEBEARD: As the infamous Blackbeard (Edward Thatch) gets all of the ladies with his swashbuckling pirateering, his cousin Teddy with the aqua-birthmark (Blue Beard) aggressively tries to one-up his dastardly cousin for some time in the spotlight.
CHILI TODAY, HOT TAMALE: The competition between an old school chili master and an upstart tamale franchise explodes when tainted ingredients wreak gaseous havoc with the townspeople’s bellies on the eve of the national cooking festival.
SPEEDING: An overly-driven impatient executive has his driving license revoked after a speeding accident and is sentenced to three months of escorting him victim, the country’s first female racing jockey now 90’s and blind, to the racetrack every morning.
JUNO 2 – THIS IS THE BONUS TAG LINE:
June goes undercover as a doctor at Planned Parenthood to stop abortion in its tracks!
Blake, I have the software and the books…alternative prize??????
Just kidding on the Juno one…wicked!
WITHOUT A NET – A rebellious young circus performer sets out to cross the Grand Canyon on a tightrope despite his families fears and objections.
Wow, I can’t actually spell . . . meant “family’s”
SPEEDING
Questionable violations ensue when two small-town highway patrolmen sample evidence from a Columbian drug shipment.
THE LAND OF NOD
A discontented corporate head tests the boundaries of his underling “yes men” by proposing lavish, unrealistic and inappropriate business ventures.
KNUCKLEHEADS
A father and son arm-wrestling team venture to Vermont to claim the ulimate prize.
PAPER OR PLASTIC? – A sky high plastic surgeon takes off to Delhi to find his long lost Mother whose signature could mean the end of a era for his Dad.
Chili Today, Hot Tamle
When a rogue Irish police officer infiltrates the LAPD pancake breakfast and poisons nearly the entire police force, two scrappy, sexy Latina cooks strap on the shield and and hoist their homemade habanero pepper spray to track down and put an end to Monty O’Zuma’s Revenge once and for all.
#26 casket = coffin (sorry, S-African 2nd language English)
TIME, FORTUNE, PEOPLE, AND ROLLING STONE – A loveable loser bets his loveable loser buddies he can make the covers of Time, Fortune, People, and Rolling Stone.
ALHPABET SOUP – A little girl, lacking the power of speech, eats a bowl of magical alphabet soup which gives her the power for one day of saying all the things she wished she could say.
ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL – A man gets hypnotized to black out Mondays through Fridays from 9-5 so he doesn’t remember being at work. After a few months, he learns that he took all his vacation time and hasn’t been to work in a few weeks so he enlists the help of his friends to find out what he’s been doing with his time.
JUNO 2
After a science lab accident leaves Juno the victim of a tragic in vitro fertilization incident, Juno goes undercover at a polygamist compound to find several new families of adoptive parents for her sextuplets.
PAPER OR PLASTIC?
After the environmental crisis leaves the globe without paper or plastic, the world’s last supermarket bagger devises a plan to save his job by recycling the only material still suitable for carrying milk and eggs to the car without breaking…human flesh.
ALPHABET SOUP
Based on the shocking true story of how the Campbell Soup Kids went from being the world’s most beloved cherub-faced darlings to becoming the cannibalistic serial killer duo the Alphabet Twins, renowned for force feeding their victims with cans of tomato soup, eating them, and then sending local newspapers mysterious notes bragging of their deeds with alphabet noodles spelling out the haunting words M’m! M’m! Good!
PAPER OR PLASTIC?
200 years into the future, the evil emperor of Neo-France seeks to hide forever the face of his slightly older twin brother. Too bad he used all the iron battling Microbelgenstein.
THE LAND OF NOD
In the istant lan of no, life seems incomplete. Basketball games ten to score in the thousans, people can’t istinguish past tense from present, an millions of ollars in amages result from a frienly game of cars. A young girl, Iana, strives to figure out what is missing from their lives.
CONAN THE EARLY YEARS, a biopic of our favorite Governator (nee Ahnold) before he was married to Maria Shriver and got a stick up his butt. Watch Ahnold whore himself out in various low budget sword and sandal epics while making X-rated apperances on Howard Stern boasting how big his biceps are.
WHOOPS is a droll college romp about frat boys overdosing on whoopie cushions. Lots of T&A, whipped cream and John Belushi tribute toga parties. The good don’t die young, they just continue to collect residuals.
PAPER OR PLASTIC, two clueless virgins who can’t decide to use paper or plastic the first time they have sex.
Designated Driver – A drunk and drugged out man, Seth, gets into a car after a hard night of partying and starts to drive. It’s not a long drive before he hit’s a raccoon. Thinking it’s a human body he leaves the car and starts to run. When day breaks he walks to his car and sees policemen searching it. He hides out at a friends house thinking he is on the run from the law.
WITHOUT A NET – A college student, Andy, gets together a volleyball team. They struggle with funds and work out everyday until the ‘big game’ only to find they don’t have a net. So they must improvise and intimidate at the same time.
JUNO 2
A teenage girl makes difficult decisions when faced with an unplanned pregnancy…again.
Indiana Jones 5
Indiana Jones, the obese, transgendered, fifth love child of Bridget Jones, becomes an unlikely adventurer when he/she must travel the globe in search of his/her mother’s Lost Diary, which contains the secret to Mankind’s happiness and survival: how to really lose weight and keep it off.
KNUCKLEHEADS
When the children of rival bike gangs fall in love, it sets off a cross-country road-rage vendetta-filled turf war… and then there’s the wedding.
THE LAND OF NOD
A relief worker, sent to help isolated tsunami survivors, finds himself trapped in a society of agreeable bobble-heads, only to fall in love with a girl who can’t say, “no” …to anyone.
PAPER OR PLASTIC?
An undercover Treasury agent who inadvertently helps counterfeiters make fake money that’s more valuable than the real thing, crashes the system and erases all debt, while he turns the rich poor, the poor rich, and learns the true meaning of… exact change.
Wynken and Blynken lure Nod into their street-gang with the promise of teaching him how to say, “No.”
INDIANA JONES 5 –
Indiana must battle the snake in his pants to find his bed-pan in the nursing home.
KNUCKLEHEADS
Three idiots wake up smart and panic.
ALPHABET SOUP
A young boy playing with his food finds that whatever he spells, becomes the next day’s headline… so he ends famine, stops war, and cancels DEAL OR NO DEAL.
lol Steve
Conan sounds funny
Indiana Jones 5
A perky mid-west fitness instructor, Diana Jones, unwittingly becomes the focus of an international treasure hunt when a priceless rare coin known as “The 5 of Karsan” is secretly implanted in her during emergency surgery while on vacation in exotic Belize. Unscrupulous collectors, crooked government leaders and dutiful anthropologists are all on the trail of the 5 In Diana Jones.
Conan: The Early Years
Conan The Comedian is overjoyed to learn he has been selected for the coveted spot to host the hottest late night show on television, until the Devil reminds him of the deal they made nine years ago when Conan was a struggling joke teller on the comedy circuit. Conan must find a way to break this covenant awarding him just one night of show business glory, or prepare to report to Hell and manage Satan’s three comedy clubs: Damned Funny; Fire and Rimshot, and Hades, Guys Are Funny!
Without A Net
The family and friends of Charlie Dougherty saw this trust fund slacker baby’s aimless life take a dramatic turn for the better after he won Annette, a female gorilla, in an obscure ham radio contest. Raising and taking care of Annette, teaches Charlie more about love and responsibility than 20 years of private schooling and therapy sessions. When authorities inform him that Annette’s presence is violating a few local ordinances, Charlie vows to do everything in his power to keep his precious primate, because he simply could not live without Annette.
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CHILI TODAY, HOT TAMALE
The long awaited completion of the Elmore Leonard Chili Palmer Trilogy. John Travolta reprises his most famous acting role and Uma Thurman returns as his Hot Tamale. Can they defeat the evil mafia bosses and avoid getting whacked by mastering the Samba and winning ‘Dancing with the Stars’?
INDIANA JONES 5 and the Raiders of the Lost Constitution in the Pit of Despair, which is full of Snakes
Indy rises from the dead to battle the ‘NeoCons’ for a lost mystical document(because it belongs in a museum!) that gives it’s bearer unspeakable powers. As Indy fights his way through the bureaucratic, booby trap laden, mazes of Washington DC and searches through the jungle that is the Pit of Despair(Snakes. Why’d it have to be snakes?), he finds love for the first time ever with a really old Supreme Court Justice, whose life he saved in the Temple of Doom.
APPLE PIE BETTY
A 40 yr old virgin named Betty Sarah Marshall, whose nether regions smell and taste like warm Apple Pie ala mode, gets Knocked Up by a SuperBad dude named Zohan.
Asleep At The Wheel
An impromptu roadtrip leads to romance between an insomniac and a narcoleptic.
Without A Net
A trapeze artist faces his most death defying act after refusing to work with Annette.
Whoops
A klutz unknowingly becomes responsible for the hottest new dance craze.
Time, Fortune, People, Rolling Stone
Albert Stone is an archeologist whose boulder shaped vehicle can travel time and space constantly updating his collection of planetary Holy Grails.
Paper or Plastic
Michael Moore is at it again asking how many trees does it take to make the label of one plastic water bottle.
Designated Driver
A serial dad poses as a limo driver to pick his teen victims to punish them of their sin of late night partying on a school night.
JUNO 2:
Fourteen years after her baby was adopted, Juno lives in Manhattan, alone and hating the world. Everything is turned upside down when her biological child, now a life-loving wise-cracking teenager as she once was, tracks Juno down.
ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL:
A narcoleptic fights bureaucracy, meddling parents and the powers that be to get the job of a school bus driver.
WITHOUT A NET:
A man with an excruciating headache that won’t go away is forced to make major life changes to deal with it, including ending his fast food career over a hairnet that’s too tight.
But I think Keith’s Juno 2 is better. That’s hilarious.
Tim Malloy beat me to the Conan O’Brien movie. Darn it.
APPLE PIE BETTY
When the nose art paintings of a presumed fictional pinup girl are discovered to be the images of a real woman, an ordinary housewife is ushered into the spotlight as a WWII icon and becomes an overnight pop culture phenomenon.
LAMP UNTO MY FEET
Upon taking the job of restoring an old lighthouse, a young widower discovers a diary with his name and written in his own hand: an accurate record of his life thus far as well as events yet to come. He uses the diary as a guide, navigating through life and fulfilling every detail, until he comes upon an entry that describes a disturbing and unconscionable action.
INDIANA JONES 5
President John F. Kennedy enlists the help of the famed archeologist and his son to face off against nemesis Frank Sinatra and his mafia henchmen in a race to acquire the secret powers of the mythical Trouser Snake. (Produced by George Lucas. Directed by Steven Spielberg. Screenplay by Judd Apatow.)
Like a few others here, I disqualify myself from the grand prizes since I too already have the books and software.
On that, I have both books and just heard about the software through your site but can’t afford it yet.
Its the way I tell em’…
JUNO 2
Faced with motherhood and no job an offbeat young woman makes an unusual decision to become a stripper first and then cash in and write the screenplay.
INDIANA JONES 5
Indiana Jones wakes up in a mental institution where everybody else is a Nazi, an Arab, an Indian Mystic, a Crusader Knight, Mayan Indians and an alien and everything that came before was simply a bad dream, I think? Oh, and George Lucas is in there too!
CONAN: THE EARLY YEARS
Conan discovers during his first couple of years of toil on a treadmill he has muscles in the unlikeliest of places and strength to match so he becomes an incessant masturbator.
BLUEBEARD: A depressed woman tired of acting as gay men’s girlfriend joins the crew of a pirate ship.
CONAN: THE EARLY YEARS: Conan, compulsive put-togetherer of things, must find and piece together all the pieces of the first wheel ever invented when it shatters. At the end he realises that wheels can be used for evil and becomes a destroyer.
INDIANA JONES 5:
Directed by Godard, who is played by Harrison Ford, who also plays himself. Co-starring Jane Fonda. Self-reflective film about making of a self-reflective film about making of action film about search for Marx’s “Socialism: Errata,” buried in former Soviet Bloc.
LAMP UNTO MY FEET: A shy, facially deformed tap dancer gradually comes out of his shell as he achieves fame with public performances in which only his exceptionally nimble feet are spotlighted.
WHOOPS: A heart-warming animated film about a gang of owls determined to beat the odds to become basketball champs of the animal kingdom.
UNDERTOW: A tow-truck driver risks life and limb to retrieve abandoned automobiles submerged in the Pacific Ocean.
DESIGNATED DRIVER
Cheap British miseryfest. Violent alcoholic Johnno loses his licence after ram-raiding a newsagent and intimidates his disabled neighbour into driving him everywhere. Humiliated to insanity, the neighbour drives into a septic tank, where they both die. Music by Pete Docherty.
LAWYERS, GUNS AND MONEY
Guy Ritchie’s Tony Blair biopic. Starring Ray Winstone as Blair, Ken Stott as Gordon Brown, and Tera Patrick as Carole Caplin. Contains scenes of illegal war and hypocrisy.
SPEEDING
Pointless rom-com about speed dating which attempts to sound hip by claiming “speeding” is a contemporary idiom. Starring Sheridan Smith and various BBC3 idiots.
I’ll give it a stab.
UNDERTOW
A group of historians set off questioning the lengend of the Bermuda Triangle. Little do they know that HISTORY and FACES never leave the tragic waters, including themselves.
ALPHABET SOUP
Ricki was a normal boy, everyday his mother made him alphabet soup. Then one day Ricki snapped, and he killed his mother. Looking down to his bowl the letters spelled M-o-m. Who’s next on Ricki’s list? (hahaha, too silly)
BEVERLY HILLS
In a time of glamour, glory and powder white nights, 5 men rule the town. All is cake until one of them is found dead, implicating all the rest of them in his murder.
(think April Fools)
Leo, love your loglines, especially the owls and tap dancer!
ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL
A world-class potter, bored with her profession, seeks a new perspective by rejecting all vessels. Everyday life emerges as a challenge and dining becomes messy.
UNDERTOW
A mock documentary follows Vijay, an embattled suburban tow truck driver, and exposes the unspoken hierarchy that keeps him from reaching the top of the scrap metal heap.
ANACHRONISM
Set 20 years after the events in Arachnophobia, a plucky detective is on the trail of a serial prankster, who is taking copies of the DVD Arachnophobia out of the bargain bin and placing them in the “Hot Sellers” sections on store shelves.
WITHOUT A NET
In this prequel to the 1995 smash-hit THE NET, Angela Bennet’s credit cards, bank records, and driver’s license are being deleted. Now, it’s a race against time before every document that makes up her life is SHREDDED!
SPEEDING
I don’t have a logline, but I can see the one-sheet perfectly. You have the bus from Speed, parked in front of the “ING” bench from the Ing Financial commercials.
Paper or Plastic
Duncan a angry grocery store checker snaps when his well heeled, snobby clientele continue to exceed the item limit in the express lane. What follows are a series of gruesome, but green, food related murders that confound police. Attention : Clean up on aisle 4.
BEVERLY HILLS – a young girl named Beverly feared she’d never get a boyfriend because her boobs were too small, so she saved all her babysitting money and got a boob job. She never landed another babysitting job.
DESIGNATED DRIVER – when a group of kids name a leader for their pack, they believe he will lead them to fast and illegal money. Instead he has them serving at a soup kitchen where they learn the meaning of giving.
WHOOPS – a well-known public speaker who advocates that you don’t need psychological therapy to face your fears, suddenly comes down with a severe case of “fear of public speaking.” When he gets busted for lip syncing his speeches, he must eat his words.
WHOOPS
High jinxs, mayhem and death as a likeable idiot negotiates his way through his first day at the local nuclear power plant.
ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL
After potter, Dani Less’s boyfriend is murdered in mysterious circumstances, she finds herself possessed by his spirit everytime she works at her potter’s wheel. Could the resulting creations – a gun, a safe, a kitten with a ball of wool, be the clay clues to who the murderer is?
WITHOUT A NET
A frustrated man tries in vain to contact a company about an order he placed but hasn’t received – why does his email keep bouncing back? Could he have the wrong email address?
INDIANA JONES 5 – An aging archeologist learns just how old he is when he unearths his own head from an ancient ruin.
CONAN: THE EARLY YEARS – As a barbarian, you’ve seen him fight vicious creatures. As a conqueror, he tangled with hell’s demons. Now Conan must battle the most terrifying, repugnant being of all…himself as a teenager. Arnold Schwarzenegger is Conan the Adolescent.
SPEEDING –When an Arkansas State Trooper is transferred to Hollywood, California; he draws the ire of producers, directors, and A-list actors when he has the audacity to actually write out tickets after they tell him who they are. But, what happens when the ticket-happy trooper pulls over a car with Burt Reynolds and Jerry Reed?
Designated Driver
Golf pro Guinness Stout loses his lucky club to a mob boss in a poker game. When he finds out it’s being used to whack people, Stout vows to get his club back…but things get rough.
Whoops…
Thomas “Whoops a Daisy” Duke was believe it or not once a renegade cop who traveled light years into the future to clean up a forseen crime population. He arrived to discover a world where ALL weapons have been outlawed including the use of a leather belt!
Bluebeard…
Twas great legend how the Irish nicknamed the little fella “Bluebeard” For stories were passed on, but none proved greater then to meet the man yourself. For you see from his chin dangled a near mythical set of balls.
Land of Nod…
The long overdue much anticipated sequel to…..A Night at the Roxbury!!!
Without a Net
An elementary school lunch lady meets the man of her dreams on line. The problem is, he’s the principal of the school where she works and she is embarrassed by her station. She has a choice – go on living her dismal life or have the mole that dominates her face removed, doff her hair net and reveal herself to the love of her life.
WITHOUT A NET
A single mother risks losing her livelihood as a school nurse when she tries to connect with her unruly children by becoming the stunt double for an egotistical action star.
DESIGNATED DRIVER
When a spineless driver’s ed instructor discovers that his six year-old has a talent for racing, he enters them into the professional rally circuit in order to afford a top-notch lawyer in his custody battle.
ANACHRONISM
When a washed-up comedian and a former soap star meet in rehab, they concoct a plan to resurrect their careers by conning the tabloids with whatever story will keep them hot… including getting married.
John Collins Says:
May 29th, 2008 at 10:46 am
INDIANA JONES 5 – An aging archeologist learns just how old he is when he unearths his own head from an ancient ruin.
Very funny, dude. You get my vote.
INDIANA JONES FIVE: Indiana Jones searches for the lost tomb of Harrison Ford.
BLUEBEARD: A hair stylist learns a lesson about preparation.
LAMP UNTO MY FEET: A Furniture saleman redefines the word, “Clumsey!”
Apple Pie Betty
J. Thompson, a high school football player, falls in love with Betty, a plumb sweetheart, who rejects him. Becoming desperate Thompson does what is necessary to win her heart over, risking his NFL career, school and even senior prom.
Alphabet soup
When baby Benjamin starts one day typing on a typewriter and produces what seems to be a great childrens story, the family finds an agent to take care of the legal hassles. However the shady lawyer has his own opinion of who should be the protagonist in little Benjamins stories.
Without a Net
Two small town local policemen, attemp to catch an old lady who stole 1 million dollars from a bank. They are also trying to cover their own tracks as they assisted the old granny in performing the robbery.
UnderToe —
Faraday, an underperforming foot fungus, dreams of “moving on up” and achieving ultimate microorganism dream of becoming a player in the Crotch Rot Infection Relay, but alas, lacks the drive (and the ability to reproduce asexually) … until one day he is inspired by Tinea Cruris, a beautiful viral infection, who teaches Faraday that all that glistens is not mold.
Tommy, this is like the Pixar version of one of those old biology films from the ’50s. I love it!
Asleep at the Wheel – A narcoleptic NYC cabbie, who always wakes up with a different personality, fights the DMV over having his driver license revoked, even though he has never been in or caused an accident.
Conan: The Early Years – We find a short, over-weight, curly-haired, ten year-old Conan, along with his massive sword, defending himself from imaginary creatures, his mother’s cooking and the local barbarian bullies.
Apple Pie Betty – Betty “Apple Pie” Thurston, an ex-porn queen from the seventies, decides that it is the time to get back in the industry where only the young and naive survive, to only prove that she still has what it takes.
Apple Pie Betty- Tired of being in her husband’s shadow, Betty Reynolds starts her own cooking show which turns her into a national sensation, much to the chagrin of her husband, The President of the United States.
Paper or Plastic- When a giant SuperStore threatens to put the local family owned grocery store out of business, bagboy Wally Collins decides to raise the country’s awareness by breaking the world record for fastest grocery bagger.
Whoops- Fired for accidently cursing on the air, a children’s television host from the golden age of television becomes a lengendary foul mouthed stand up comic.
Knuckleheads
The hapless son of a Hollywood action star bribes legendary street-fighter Kimbo Slice to take a knockout to gain street cred. When Slice falls into a coma after being hit, the son becomes ‘THE TOUGHEST DUDE EVER’ and must live up to his new reputation, both on-screen and ‘in the streets’.
DESIGNATED DRIVER Carrying a phone book to see over the dashboard and platform shoes to reach the pedals, homeless but not helpless height-challenged orphan 12-year-old Henry makes his own way in the world after the death of his parents by driving home drunks,’There’s a cop around the corner and I bet this wouldn’t be your first DWI’. For a warm bed, a place to play his Wii and $100 Henry can get anyone home safe until he drives Sammi, a down-on-her-luck dumped and drunk social-worker who’s hell-bent on finding Henry a home.
LAMP UNTO MY FEET Discouraged and nearly defeated, Pastor Jack Jones has remained in his run-down church in the toughest neighborhood in town to fulfill his deceased wife’s desire–that the church remain as a beacon of hope for the young people who must live there. Jones lights up again and sparks fly when childhood friend and entrepreneur Zorina opens a lighting store across the street giving him a reason to hope and a reason to stay.
PAPER OR PLASTIC: the wolves are at the door when pretty but penniless Patti Pines gets proposed to, twice in one day. Paper mill millionaire (and environmental nightmare) Woody Maiche wants Patti as a trophy wife. Her money problems would be over but her heart belongs to Harry, a hapless but enthusiastic environmentalist who has dedicated his life to getting every citizen in the small timber town of Mountainside to recycle. He’s nearly met his goal–the world record for number of plastic bottles returned—when he realizes that both Patti and the town’s recycling-resolve are slipping through his fingers.
THE LAND OF NOD When a group of employees attends the annual training weekend they will do anything to stay awake, look like their paying attention and keep their sanity. The question is what would will they do to make the time pass? The answer is what won’t they do. (Think Dilbert, Office Space meets Supertroopers)
BEVERLY HILLS When Gary Bererly returns to his rural roots in the hills of Kentucky to close his family’s affairs after the death of his parents he’ll find that going from small town to Tinsel Town and back again has brought a lot of changes. But what he’ll soon discover is that it holds a mountain of promise.
INDIANA JONES 5: NIGHT WITH ELVIS (Buddy Comedy)
Set in the early 1970s, Jones is a fat, washed up swashbuckler living in Las Vegas. Hobbled by a limp and wearing eye patch, he’s out of money and about to kill himself when he runs into fat Elvis in a casino bar. They spend the next 12 hours together causing mayhem up and down the Las Vegas Strip as they drunkenly search for a mythic solid gold poker chip that will allow Jones to pay rent for the next few years…
THE LAND OF NOD
A family of milquetoasts moves to the suburbs and discovers that the overly friendly, all-American, night owl residents of Edenview Estates are a coven of blood-thirsty vampires.
ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL
After an outcast caveman accidentally invents the wheel, he decides to regain acceptance by introducing the marvel to his clan. But with mastodons, marauders, and the untamed wilderness in his path, nothing could be harder than moving a wheel.
BLUEBEARD
A luckless woman brings her boyfriend to the annual reunion of her severely dysfunctional family only to discover that he’s a serial killer… which might not be such a bad thing.
DESIGNATED DRIVER
When two desperate friends join their college’s designated driver program to hook-up with unsuspecting drunk women, they get in over their heads when the women that they’re driving turn out to be their old high school flames.
ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL
When four college friends party nonstop over the weekend before finals, they find themselves mysteriously in their car in a ditch eleven hours away from campus and twelve hours before their finals.
WITHOUT A NET
When two college freshman find themselves in the middle of a police raid on the biggest fraternity party on campus, they must find their way out or risk losing their scholarships.
Beverly Hills
When trailer dwelling Willadean Hills births her daughter on the porch sofa, she names her Beverly in hopes of inspiring her to achieve great things. As Beverly turns into a beautiful young woman she competes in and wins the Miss Ozark- Livestock Ain’t Just For Eating Contest with the top prize being a trip to Hollywood. Using her name as inspiration, Beverly turns Beverly Hills upside down making white trash, white hot. She’s on her way to super stardom until her family shows up.
Alphabet Soup
When habitual 12 year old shoplifter Ella Spicker is finally caught she is sent to live with her Grandparents, Max and Maggie in a sedate suburb of Chicago. Unknown to Ella’s parents is that Max and Maggie are career criminals who enthusiastically team up with their grand-daughter for the biggest heist of their lives.
Indiana Jones 5-This Time its Personal
Battling severe pain and itching from hemorrhoids, Indy sets out to find a cure where clues lead him to the tomb of Ramses and the ultimate hemorrhoid paste created by the Gods for royal butts. Replacing his whip for a rubber donut ring, Indy is joined on his quest by other hemorrhoid sufferers, Queen Latifa,the Hobbits from Lord of the Rings and a Tapeworm named Larry.
INDIANA JONES 5 – Indiana Jones and the lost story.
Indiana spends 15 years and millions of dollars tracking down the mythical script that should have been.
DESIGNATED DRIVER
Super nerd Napoleon Dynamite returns to battle the evil Wild Bill Gates for computer software supremacy
ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL
The real story behind the Titanic and the iceberg…
BEVERLY HILLS
When America’s “first family of celebrity,” the Hills, look to ditch their vapid, tabloid-chronicled existence, they flee Southern California for the backwoods Texas town of Beverly.
ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL
After a hard-living truck driver dozes off and dies in a horrible crash, her tormentors on the big rig circuit are terrorized by… her ghost.
UNDERTOW
A hotshot surfer must return to his hometown and take over the family towing business.
I know I’m passed the deadline but I thought I’d give it a try. Fun stuff.
ALPHABET SOUP
Three of the top restaurants in Boston have three of the most egotistical and pompous restaurant owners, who all claim they have the best soup in the city. Each restaurant has won “Boston’s Best Soup” five times since their opening. To settle the score once an for all as to who can truly claim to have the best soup in Boston, the owners agree on a bet that will give this years winner the title and force the other two to close their business. Attempting to see who truly is the alpha male in this restaurant battle brings lies, deceit, world travel, and a mess.
ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL
Sarah Hanson wakes up on the side of the road in the driver’s seat of her car on January 1, 2010. The last thing she remembers is driving home from her New Years party January 1, 2008 on the same road that she’s on. A police officer pulls up next to her just 5 minutes later. She attempts to prepare her license and registration but finds she has another woman’s license in her wallet and no registration to be found. She rolls down the window for the officer who immediately asks her what the blood tracks from her wheels are from. The backtracking begins.
TIME, FORTUNE, PEOPLE AND ROLLING STONE
Recent college graduate Bill Anthony is a timid 22 year old who is looking for work as an editor at a magazine. Unable to decide which magazine to apply to, he applies to his top four: TIME, FORTUNE, PEOPLE, AND ROLLING STONE. Believing he won’t get hired at every magazine, he waits for any fish to catch. Unfortunately, they all want him on board and is unable to say no to all of them. Trying to pull off being at four places at once poses a problem and at times he becomes so confused that he edits ROLLING STONE, as if he’s working for FORTUNE.
ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL
A game show host’s nighttime visions are the only clue to his co-host’s mysterious disappearance. Can he solve the puzzle before she’s turned into parting gifts?
ANACHRONISM
In this adaptation of “A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court,” Rob Schneider stars as a jet-setting playboy that suffers a head injury and wakes up in the times of King Arthur. Originally titled DEUCE BIGALOW: MEDIEVAL GIGALO but we couldn’t secure the franchise rights.
DESIGNATED DRIVER- After drawing the shortest straw, LVU’s campus party animal has the wildest night of his life- sober.
ALPHABET SOUP- One of the world’s greatest poets is at a loss for words when tries to persue the love of his life.
LAWYERS, GUNS AND MONEY- Two money laundering Lawyers who represent some of the largest crime families in NY make a pack to steal every cent they can from their clients and disappear with money.
Aw! I came across your little contest after the deadline! Boooo!
On the other hand, these are funny (Okay, the Designated Driver who’s a vampire was a real winner for me — I’d love to see that movie).
And the challenge provoked some interesting ideas for me, that I may trot off and do anyway. ALPAHBET SOUP took me someplace quite different than the entries here. :)
Keep stirring the pot, Blake!
Here’s one from save the cat. Blake asks you to take this sentence and turn it into a logline. “A boy gets a talking car”
Here’s what I came up with so far.
A young genius rewires his beat up Buick Century so that it not only talks to him but also teaches him how to score with the ladies.
A teenage boy must fight for his life when he inadvertently steals the car of a drug lord that not only talks but tells secrets.
“A boy gets a talking car”
Animated flick about a high school junior varsity football player who gets a 2nd-hand pick-up truck for his 16th birthday. After a few days, the truck begins communicating and turns out to be really lonley and feels abandoned by his old owner. The football players then must keep the truck happy or he’ll break down and not run.
Blake,
I know these are late, but what the heck. This was fun, anyway.
CONAN: THE EARLY YEARS – Conan is a whip-smart teen confronting the unplanned pregnancy of his girlfriend, Juno, who is lead singer for an alternative garage band called “The Lamentations”. When she is slain by marauders, Conan retreats into the world of books, and becomes Conan the Librarian.
CHILI TODAY, HOT TAMALE – Juno is a whip-smart young waitress confronting an unplanned pregnancy within her unhappy marriage to a controlling jerk. She works through her issues by making one-of-a-kind batches of chili (“I Shouldn’t Eat This Because I’m Pregnant Chili”, “If You Eat This, You’re Braver Than I Am Chili”, and “It’s All The Same Recipe, I Just Name It Different Things Every Day, Except Sometimes I Add Chocolate Chili”), and half-hearted attempts to leave her husband. She falls in love with her doctor, and gives him heartburn.
UNDERTOW – Young Ned Land must enlist the aid of the notorious Captain Nemo in order to win back the coveted Camp North Star Water Skiing Trophy. Along the way, Ned captures the heart of Nemo’s whip-smart teenage daughter, Juno.
Without a net.
The worlds greatest internet hacker loses his internet access after being grounded by his mom.
His subversiveness finds a new outlet in manipulating this year’s class presidency.
CHILI TODAY, HOT TAMALE – Juno is a whip-smart young waitress confronting an unplanned pregnancy within her unhappy marriage to a controlling jerk. She works through her issues by making one-of-a-kind batches of chili
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jockben
California Dui