FADE IN: THE WORST 250 WORDS
Competitors are invited to submit the first 250 words of a fictional bad screenplay. It is an intro so dense, a set-up so ripe with purple prose, a start so teetering under the weight of over thinking — and CAMERA ANGLES — that it guarantees the poor studio reader will throw it across the room before the end of the page.
From Title, to Fade In, to description of mood, overly-indicative dialogue — and MUSIC CUES — contestants will, we hope, offer the rest of us some insight into “what NOT to do” in this most important part of any screenplay-reading experience. 250 word limit strictly enforced!!
EXAMPLE:
RHINOCEROS MAN
FADE IN:
INT. THATCH HUT – MOZAMBIQUE – NIGHT
The sound of a birth in progress promulgates the night. Worried SERVANTS huddle outside the delivery room. And as we PUSH IN AND TILT DOWN we see a white haired man, DOCTOR HERMAN MUNCHHAUSEN, 53, sweaty.
DOCTOR
Push, Fraulein Johnson! He’s almost here!
The sound of a baby’s first cries are heard. The mother, FRAULEIN JOHNSON, 34, sweaty, searches for the doctor’s reaction.
MOTHER
Is it a boy?
DOCTOR
Yes. And he’s all boy, Fraulein Johnson….
(looking closer)
Wait a minute….
The mother’s expectant face turns to terror at the sight. But moments later, a look of clam crosses her face. She turns to a SERVANT, 22, sweaty.
MOTHER
Get me carrots!
(proudly, with trepidation)
My son vill have carrots!
Then all freeze as somewhere in the night, a rhinoceros HOWLS.
CONTEST RULES AND PRIZES: Enter as often as you like. BUT! Entries exceeding the 250 word limit disqualified. Deadline for entry: July 1, 2009. Winners announced Thursday, July 9 , 2009. Prizes: First Prize: Tuition to a Save the Cat! Beats Workshop; Second Prize: A complete set of Save the Cat! books and software; Third Prize: A $50 Save the Cat! gift certificate.
Good luck to all!
Blake Snyder
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COPS TO BAD GUYS: YOUR FINISHED
FADE IN:
INT. CRIME SCENE – 10 P.M.
A super cool cop, like Dirty Harry but younger, BOB DAVIS kills a bad guy name PETER. Blood everywhere.
A door opens. A MAN is there. It’s his garage there in.
BOB
Maybe that was an accident?
MAN
How’d you get in my garage?
BOB
Get lost. You’ve got insurance.
The man runs off, totally afraid of Bob.
Bob looks for the bad guy, MARCO. He looks where he thought he was by this old TRANS AM.
BOB
Man, this is a really nice car.
WRITE ON SCREEN (over Trans Am): BOB HAS A SWEET RIDE JUST LIKE THIS
Bob admires the car. Marco tries to shoot him with a gun, but Bob ducks for cover.
BOB
You surprised me, Marco. I thought
you left! Now you’ll die.
MARCO
Don’t kill me, Bob. I know you’re too
strong and tough for me.
BOB
I have to. You killed my sister’s husband.
And you tried to kill my brother.
MARCO
You can’t prove anything!
BOB
Oh, yeah. I know you should die like they
did in that burned down house.
INSERT SCENE OF BURNING HOUSE
MARCO
How do you know I set the fire.
BOB
I was there. Remember? Now die!
Bob blindly fires a lot of bullets at Marco. He shoots him with all of them. Bob is a great shot. Marco DIES (it would be really great if it was gory – lots of blood).
Oh! This is something I can totally win!!!
Yes!
SPREAD-EAGLED: FOR LOVE OR MONEY II
By Scott Michael
SMASH CUT:
A FACE
Clenched-up in… pain? Happiness? We don’t know yet. And we’re SO close, we don’t even know if it’s a man or a woman. Yet.
INT. MOVIE THEATER – DAY
As we SLOWLY BACK THE TIFFEN STEADICAM AWAY, we see the squinched-up face belongs to MARY BALDEAUX-WANAMAKER, 30s-ish, a drop-dead gorgeous young woman who prefers beer to hard liquor: micro-brewed, if you please. She also enjoys long walks on studio back lots and men who make seven figures.
But on this day, she thinks of none of these things as she stares at the BLANK MOVIE SCREEN alone, her feet resting on the chair in front of her.
A GANGLY USHER ambles by with an endearing klutziness that grows on you like a growth. This is CHET, 30, a lovable lummox who’s been hurt before. Bad.
CHET
(directed to her)
You come from around here?
MARY BALDEAUX-WANAMAKER
(strained voice, a TRICKLE of blood
FLOWING from her mouth, thoughts of
Rancid Dog Micro-Brewed Beer strangely
going through her mind)
The balcony, to be exact…
He rushes to cradle her head in a loving way.
CHET
(anguished)
Why?! I would have even accepted your
internal injuries, I wouldn’t have judged!
MARY
My heart…
CHET
Shhh, I know, mine too.
MARY
Please…
CHET
Anything. Unless it involves travel.
MARY
Fix the balcony railing.
FADE TO BLACK.
With little experience, knowledge and ability I just might win! LOL
Studio logo with 1980 Firebird driving across – SOUND of Burt Reynolds LAUGHING.
FADE OUT:
The screen stays black. For fifteen minutes.
EXTREME CLOSE UP –
HITLER
(In Korean) I am born!
PULL OUT to see adult Hitler naked. Behind him:
A CAT
Comes in to frame. Falls into bathtub.
HITLER
A cat? Should I save it?
Hitler lets the cat drown. It meows like crazy.
CUT TO:
NEWSMAN BEHIND DESK
NEWSMAN
(loudly) In the movie you are seeing an event was shown that was not approved by anyone having anything to do with this movie or screenplay, or the news as this goes out live on all TV and cable networks. We do not endorse any sort of hate against Adolph Hitler. We’re sure he would have saved the cat. Well, at least he will — in the director’s cut.
WIPE TO:
Hitler, putting on a shirt. Still no pants.
HITLER
There are many things people don’t know about me. Well, this is a seventeen hour movie, so relax. Where to begin?
FLASH BACK
Hitler comes in to the world, naked. Find a naked NURSE, think Shelly Winters, the late years:
NURSE
No! This is MY story. (happy) I am born. (to US) Wait. Stop filming! I –I have a screenplay. I call it…Memento.
FADE TO BLACK.
For twelve hours.
And then…
GOD’S PEN by A. Spiring
FADE TO BLACK, BUT THEN FADE IN TO:
INT/EXT – UNIVERSE – DAY/NIGHT – THE RECENT PAST
We open inside the universe, but outside our galaxy (should have existential aesthetics – see the attached essay from my senior film seminar). The camera tilts and pans (NO CUTS!!) across planets, stars, and dark matter (which can’t be seen, but is very important for later).
NARRATOR (V.O.)
(Deep voice, like Morgan Freeman) Of all the inventions in all of time, only one was truly divinely inspired…
GOD enters.
CHYRON: “GOD”
With his omnipotent powers (see “List of Powers” on p. 245), God moves stars into a constellation shaped like a pen – this is “Penisus” (remember for the climactic battle at the end – you’ll see, but only if you read that far!).
God grabs the constellation, which becomes a pen in his hand.
GOD
Now where’s my son…
JESUS appears in all his Divine, Blessed, Holy Glory.
CHYRON: “JESUS”
JESUS
Hey, Pop.
GOD
Hi, Son.
They hug. Close up on Jesus smiling.
GOD
How are you?
The camera zooms out so we can see them both.
JESUS
I’m well. How are you?
GOD
I just created something. What have you been doing?
JESUS
Not much.
GOD
Since you’re not doing anything, would you please take this (meaning the pen) to earth for me?
JESUS
Anything for you, God!
GOD
I love you, Son.
JESUS
I love you, too, Dad.
OPENING CREDITS (First card: “A Film by A. Spiring”)
JUMP CUT TO:
This is cool! Can’t wait to read these! -glen
WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON: 31 DAYS OF GLORY
FADE IN:
A blank parchment. A hand begins to write with a quill pen. The writing is effeminate and masculine – IN 1732, WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON WAS ELECTED THE NINTH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES . . . 31 DAYS LATER HE WAS DEAD . . . THIS IS HIS STORY . . .
EXT. 1732 – DAY
Everything looks really old, nothing like today. There are buggies and three-cornered hats all over the place. There are pretty much no women, but if there are any, they’re hot.
INT. 1732 – DAY
Carrot Top IS William Henry Harrison. He lies on a silk bed, muscles rippling supplely, red mane strewn across a blue, satin pillow like blood on water.
We hear a thumping/gurgling sound.
WILLIAM
Who is that?
JOHN TYLER
It’s me, your vice president, John Tyler.
WILLIAM
Oh.
JOHN TYLER
I just came by to congratulate you on being elected
the ninth president of the United States.
WILLIAM
I’m sure we’ll have four years of great success. Four
long, great years.
A slow, ominous version of ITSY BITSY TEENY WEENIE YELLOW POLKA DOT BIKINI starts to play – mostly violins, with just a slight, sad tuba. William Henry Harrison (i.e. Carrot Top) looks out the window, contemplating the meaning of life.
Gulp. I don’t think Rhinoceros Man is THAT bad. I’ve read worse…by my own hand!
UNTITLED ADAM BALSAM PROJECT
A screenplay written for the screen by Adam Balsam
FADE IN:
EXT. OUTER SPACE – NIGHTTIME
The screen is black. Then words start to “scroll” up the screen from the bottom of the screen. The words say:
WORDS (ON SCREEN)
Space. Blackness. In the not so far off future two countries who use to not like each other must work together to battle a common enemy…
A few beats of blackness. What’s going on? Then a planet appears. Its Earth! Next, a wierd-looking spaceship flies around. On it’s side we can see printed the letters “CCCP.”
Music: “Back in The USSR” blares from speakers somewhere.
LENNON/MCCARTNEY (O.S.)
(singing)
You don’t know how lucky you are, boy! Back in the U.S.! Back in the U.S.! Back in the U.S.S.R.!
Then another ship flies in the other direction. It has the letters “U.S.A.” printed on it’s side.
Music: “Born in the U.S.A.” comes on louder:
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN (O.S.)
(also singing)
Born in the U.S.A, I was… Born in the U.S.A…..
INT. U.S. SPACESHIP – SPACE – CONTINUOUS ACTION – NIGHTTIME
The camera moves in slowly on CHIP MAXWELL, 35 and a half, divorced, hemophiliac, he’s the captain.
CHIP
(angry, out the window)
Rooskies.
INT. RUSSIAN SPACE SHIP – SPACE – SIMULTANEOUS ACTION – EVENING
Shaky dolly on VLADIMIR KREPINSKY, 40-60, the grey hairs on his head recently appeared, making him look more and more like his father.
VLADIMIR
(after a few beats)
Shto eta takoye? Amerikanskaya korabil? Poyehali!
UNTITLED PREQUEL to BILL AND TED’S BOGUS JOURNEY
By Alan Smithee
FADE INTO:
INT./EXT. – PORCH – NIGHT – HUMID
BILL
Hey, Bill.
TED
What, Ted?
BILL
(To Ted.)
Remember high school when we went back in time and saved the world with all the famous dudes, like So-crates, and then won the battle of the bands and gave that history speech?
TED
(To Bill.)
That was sweet.
(plays AIR GUITAR.)
BILL
(foreshadowing)
I hope we get to do that again someday.
THEY are sitting on the COUCH given to them by Ted’s MOM. Bill and Ted are both 41. Even though this takes place after the FIRST MOVIE and before the SECOND MOVIE, it also takes place 20 years in the future because time traveling created an alternate reality. (If you don’t understand, please email [email protected])
TED
Remember that Greek hero, Test-a-clees? They called him that because the gods tested him.
SMASHCUT TO:
INT./EXT. – ACROPOLIS – ANCIENT GREECE – DAY/NIGHT
Collage of guy who looks EXACTLY like MARK HAMILL fighting against lots of MONSTERS, one of each kind.
SMASH-DISSOLVE BACK TO PORCH SCENE
TED
What’s that?
TRUCK BACK AND PAN TO REVEAL:
The CIRCLE K parking lot across the street: LIGHTNING!
–Bill wonders if he should stay outside or go indoors.–
Suddenly! a PHONE BOOTH lands.
BILL
I didn’t know they still made those.
Out steps…
RUFUS
(still played by GEORGE CARLIN. Use CGI.)
Party on, Bill. Party on, Ted.
END SCENE
FADE IN:
INT./EXT JERRY’S HOUSE – MID DUSK, ABOUT 3:32 P.M.
ANGLE ON: A FACE
Belonging to one of three SIBLINGS. A RADIO is playing a SONG. Probably ‘1999’ by PRINCE. Not the album version. The remix single, played at Staples Center for the 2nd period break during the Kings/Avalanche game last year. JERRY (27. Short. Wearing a HANES T-shirt under a dress shirt, vest and suitcoat. ) CLOSE IN ON the VEST. REVERSE ANGLE, PAN OUT to TABLE.
ANOTHER ANGLE
JERRY
Bob called.
A PLATE is on the table. On the PLATE is a PORK CHOP. Marinated in LEHMAN’S BLOODY MARY MIX overnight, then grilled over charcoal. 5 minutes each side. It smells wonderful.
JESSE
It wasn’t Todd?
JESSE has been waiting for Todd, the man who once dated his wife when they were 17. His wife, not Jesse. Or Todd.
TERRY, 39 and happily married thinks this isn’t good. But Terry can’t speak ever since his MOTHER (Was 84, now dead) read a book about goat herding.
TERRY
mmmGGGGGMMM (I can’t comment. You know this)
Jerry feels COLD.
JERRY
I feel cold.
The ROOM is cold. No one speaks. Silence. A cold silence.
(Note to reader: My uncle was a P.A. for your company in 1967. Can I get you to just give me a recommend? Thanks)
JESSE
Are you going to eat that pork chop?
(Note to reader: If no recommend, can you refer me to an agent?)
CRASH FADE TO BLACK
ROLL CREDITS
RIGHT TO BE LEFT
FADE IN:
I/E. – CAPITOL BUILDING – EARLY MORNING – 8:25
SUPER – CAPITOL BUILDING, 8:25
PAN of well-dressed, white-haired, pompous, gregarious SENATORS with a deep sense of self-importance.
SHOT FROM SENATE FLOOR, LOOKING WEST, we see –
ANGLE ON – LINSEED GREGG, mid 50’s, flamboyant, charming, smells like eggs. He’s a Senator from Georgia. Perhaps Tennessee. We don’t know yet. All we can tell is that he’s SHAKING out his hands, obviously trying to work out the pain caused by the onset of hot dog fingers as a child.
O.C. – A GUY in a white suit COUGHS from the balcony.
MUSIC UP – JEFFREY WILSON’S “DUDE, STOP COUGHING” (FIND CD ATTACHED)
SMASH CUT TO –
Walking gingerly, with his mind fixed only on his son Scott’s upcoming Perverse Public Acts trial, PITTIBEAU SEBASTIAN CALHOUN, another Senator from a Southern state, elected to office in 1986, remarkably dressed and wearing FLORSHEIM (Florsheim Catalog CARLETON style, model 18249’s – brown) moves toward a harp in the corner of the room. No one knows his middle name, nor will they ever. Nor does anyone understand why the harp is there.
“I THINK I LOVE YOU” SPED UP, CHIPMUNKS STYLE
SUPER – CAPITOL BUILDING – EARLY MORNING – 2 MINUTES LATER.
LINSEED
So…
(hesitant)
The um…
(thinking)
The harp…
(beat)
What’s with the harp?
Linseed remembers seeing a harp at a Tex-Mex Restaurant in Galveston
LINSEED (CONT’D)
It looks like one at a Tex-Mex restaurant
I once saw in Galveston.
SCREEN GOES BLACK
CALHOUN
Don’t know.
(Oh, he knew)
Seriously. I don’t know.
(He knew)
CALM RADS
FADE IN:
INT. NUCLEAR REACTOR – KAZAHSTAN – NIGHT
RED LIGHTS flash in concert with a grating WARNING ALARM that sounds like the AFLAC DUCK. Panicked CONTAINMENT WORKERS run past a the door of a rusted door of a UTILITY CLOSET.
INT. UTILITY CLOSET – CONTINUOUS
The CAMERA SLOWLY PANS UP from the floor, over the sinewy rubber boots of BORIS IMHUMPIN, 62 as he embraces ILLEANA BONANA, 47 a vaccum tube technician from reactor 3.
BORIS
I can not control myself anymore Illeana.
Boris tears her BABUSHKA passionately
NATASHA
Is that a giant beet in your utility belt or are
you just happy to see me?
BORIS
It is both
(beat)
Have you ever seen anything so BIG?
(beat)
The beet I mean.
The carmera zooms in on the GIANT BEET.
NATASHA
My heart,
(beat)
…it’s beating so fast
BORIS
When you bite into this beet,
(beat)
I want you to think of that time in Minsk
when we shared a Red Bull while watching
”Snakes on a Plane” at the outdoor cinema
NATASHA
(pasionately angry)
I had no idea there were going
to be SO many snakes in that film.
BORIS
Who could have anticipated such a thing?
(beat)
I must go now. I’m afraid the radiation is
making me hot.
NATASHA
Is it JUST the radiation?
BORIS
It could also be my cardiac arrhythmia.
(beat)
It’s heriditary.
CALM RADS
FADE IN:
INT. NUCLEAR REACTOR – KAZAHSTAN – NIGHT
RED LIGHTS flash in concert with a grating WARNING ALARM that sounds like the AFLAC DUCK. Panicked CONTAINMENT WORKERS run past a the door of a rusted UTILITY CLOSET.
INT. UTILITY CLOSET – CONTINUOUS
The CAMERA SLOWLY PANS UP from the floor, over the sinewy rubber boots of BORIS IMHUMPIN, 62 as he embraces ILLEANA BONANA, 47 a vaccum tube technician from reactor 3.
BORIS
I can not control myself anymore Illeana.
Boris tears her BABUSHKA passionately
NATASHA
Is that a giant beet in your utility belt or are
you just happy to see me?
BORIS
It is both
(beat)
Have you ever seen anything so BIG?
(beat)
The beet I mean.
The carmera zooms in on the GIANT BEET.
NATASHA
My heart,
(beat)
…it’s beating so fast
BORIS
When you bite into this beet,
(beat)
I want you to think of that time in Minsk
when we shared a Red Bull while watching
”Snakes on a Plane” at the outdoor cinema
NATASHA
(pasionately angry)
I had no idea there were going
to be SO many snakes in that film.
BORIS
Who could have anticipated such a thing?
(beat)
I must go now. I’m afraid the radiation is
making me hot.
NATASHA
Is it JUST the radiation?
BORIS
It could also be my cardiac arrhythmia.
(beat)
It’s heriditary.
Love and Money in the 90210
FADING IN:
Ext./Morning
We open with a shot of a Stately Mansion in Beverly Hills. It’s beautiful ! ( even nicer than the one Shane Black bought after selling Lethal Weapon) .
PAN LEFT TO:
SUE , 25 walking toward BMW in the driveway. She’s attractive and looks similar to my sister Sue ( an aspiring actress ;-) )
Sue is a recovering crack -whore (the character, NOT my sister)
SUE
(Frustrated)
God dammit where are my keys ?!
MIKE
Looking for these ?
Mike waves the keys in the air. MIKE ,35, African American is Sue’s old drug dealer.
SUE
(Angry)
Mike, what the Hell are you doing here ? I told you before, I’m clean now ! I don’t want your filthy drugs !!!
MIKE
Hey puddin’ ain’t you happy to see me ?
SUE
No.
MIKE
You’re lookin fine baby. How you been ?
SUE
Fine
MIKE
So fine baby is fine.
SUE
Yea. Fine. (Beat)
What do you want ?
MIKE
The Garcia brothers need someone to move a shipment. There’s big money in it for us and I could use your help, puddin’.
SUE
I don’t need your money. I got Daddy’s.
MIKE
What ‘bout me puddin’ ? You need me ?
SUE
(Unrestrained)
Oh yes, Mike ! Yes !
They embrace. The camera moves slowly around them while The Teal’s “Beautiful You” plays (myspace/The teals) We sense right away that this strange pair really do belong together.
SUE
Mike, how’d you get my keys ?
Please note that the following got caught in our spam filter and was resubmitted to me by email:
THE EXACERBATION OF THE GOTHIC RESISTANCE
By Tony Gangemi
FADE IN:
INT. CHARLOTTE MCGILL’S BEDROOM – 1989 – ALMOST JULY – MID-MORNING
The mood is overwhelming. Somewhere tucked between idyllic melancholy and utter despair.
CHARLOTTE, 17 ½ (next Tuesday), lies on her hardwood floor. She looks bleak,
pale, sickly perfect. Jet-black hair, jet-black clothes, metallic-blue
lipstick. PAN RIGHT, Charlotte reaches out for a jar of white cream foundation.
TILT UP. We see that Charlotte’s mirror is attached to her ceiling. PAN LEFT.
Beside the mirror, The Cure’s ‘Boys Don’t Cry’ poster (oversized).
Charlotte begins applying foundation with a brush. There’s a few nicks on the brush – she must’ve dropped it a few times. The sound of THUNDER. But where is it coming from? It’s actually coming from her Lasonic L-30K boombox. The Cure’s ‘Same Deep Water As You’ starts to play. Charlotte hums along with profound empathy.
She walks to one side of the room. Then she walks to the other side of the
room. Then back again. Only this time, she mopes. But it’s a very specific
kind of moping. Imagine this: All of her “friends” are more popular than her
and she has no plans for college. Plus, she skipped breakfast.
Charlotte sways to the amazing song, the mystical rain… She comes to a grinding halt. ZOOM IN ON BLUE LIPS. She smiles a stilted grin Robert Smith’s way. Blows him a sweltering kiss.
CHARLOTTE (V.O.)
(in unison with the song)
We shall be together…
FADE TO JET-BLACK
THE END
PAUL MCCARTNEY: FROM BIRTH TO THE BEATLES IN BRITAIN
INTERIOR — PAUL MCCARTNEY’S BEDROOM DURING THE DAY
A small, kind British boy, PAUL MCCARTNEY, 12, sleeps in tiny room in the corner of a quaint home in Britain.
A ‘knock-knock’ comes at his door. It’s his mother, MRS. MCCARTNEY, older than Paul, who’s wearing her cooking apron.
MRS. MCCARTNEY
Paul! Oh, Paul young chap! Wake up!
PAUL
I’m only sleeping like dreamers do.
EXTERIOR — MARKET LATER IN THE DAY
PAUL and his MOTHER are walking toward the edge of the street. A DOUBLE DECKER BUS drives by a RED PHONE BOOTH.
MRS. MCCARTNEY
Hold my hand while we cross the street. Don’t want the bobby’s to arrest us.
Paul grabs his mothers hand and they cross the street. Paul begins to hum a song to himself (it sounds very similar to the real Beatles song ‘I want to hold your hand’.)
PAUL
I want to hold your hand…I want to hold your hand…
MRS. MCCARTNEY
That’s a lovely song, Paul McCartney.
Across from them is a GUITAR SHOP. Paul’s eyes light up when he sees a shiny new RED GUITAR through the glass.
PAUL
Oy! Mommy dearest, can I get a guitar so I can work on my song?
MRS. MCCARTNEY
(giving in, knowing her son is destined for greatness)
You’re a lefty, Paul. You’re going to have to re-string the right-handed guitars so that you can play.
PAUL
(so excited, knowing he’s destined for greatness)
I will! Promise!
TOE SCREWS
OVER BLACK:
EXCRUCIATING FEMALE SCREAMS
LIGHTNING offers a glimpse of:
EXT. MEDIEVAL CASTLE. SOMEWHERE IN FRANCE – MID-NIGHT
THUNDER
The screams SUDDENLY STOP mid-scream as if in disbelief that what is about to come could possibly be worse than what has come before.
BLACK EERIE SILENCE, broken only by HEAVY FEMALE BREATHING
THEN:
MALE VOICE
(cruely)
You WILL confess!!!!!
FEMALE VOICE
(defiant, but weak)
never.
The female voice begins to softly WEEP.
MUSIC BEGINS: A bladder pipe accompanies the mournful crying.
After 5 lonely seconds, it is joined in it’s sorrow by a cornermuse, a rauschpfeife, and, finally, a dulcimer.
FADE IN:
INT. MEDIEVAL CASTLE STAIRS – MID-NIGHT
SUPER: MEDIEVAL CASTLE. SOMEWHERE IN FRANCE. CAPETIAN DYNASTY. 1023 CE.
JERK THE HAND HELD DOWN EACH STEP
We sense a feeling of ominous dread as we laboriously descend down dimly lit, narrow, curving, worn flagstone steps.
TO REVEAL:
INT. MEDIEVAL CASTLE DUNGEON – CONTINUOUS
Large burning ivory tallow candles in heavy black iron sconces, drip down the grey cinder block walls stained with the rusty reddish remnants of past unspeakable tortures. The scent of terror is palpable. The collection of medieval torture devices overwhelming.
SLOWLY PAN towards-
FAINT FEMALE BREATHING and the SQUEAK of a screw torture device tightening ever so slowly as it unmistakably breaks bones.
FEMALE VOICE
(weak)
Do what you must.
FAINTER FEMALE BREATHING and SQUEAK
FEMALE VOICE (CONT’D)
(weaker)
I will never…
SQUEAK
FEMALE VOICE (CONT’D)
(she expires)
…tell.
SUPER: THREE MONTHS EARLIER
THE SOUND OF LIGHT
FADE INTO THE DARK BLACKNESS OF SPACE:
EXT. -DARK BLACKNESS OF SPACE -DAY
Stars shimmer where no man can see. The mists of time can be seen in a comet’s tail. A falling star can be seen in the distance. A LIVELY SPACESHIP cruises past the CAMERA’S LENS. TWO ASTRONAUTS can be seen in their SHINY SPACESUITS through the window of the spaceship’s SOUL. (Which is actually the window, because this is a metaphysical spaceship, and the astronauts are twirling through their FATES, and the spaceship represents their VOYAGE).
CUE THE SOUND OF LIGHT
INT. -LIVELY SPACESHIP- DAY
The MUSIC of GOD can be heard in the far off galaxy, as FINKELTOE, 33, and MIRKLOID, 28, play chess at their STAINLESS STEEL breakfast table in their lively spaceship.
FINKELTOE
In two moves, my dear Mirkloid, I will be able to checkmate you. You will
lose, and I will win, as I always do. You are no match for me. I’m smarter, more experienced pilot; and I always get the ladies to come back home
with me after a night of heavy drinking.
MIRKLOID
Checkmate, you old fool!
Finkeltoe sighs heavy relief, as he lays his bare king down on the chessboard that rests on the stainless steel table.
FINKLETOE
Foiled again! By my very own protege, no less!
EXT. -SILENT DARK SPACE- CONTINUOUS
The space ship bears its heavy burden of searching for the road less traveled in a darkened room that is space. Alas!
FADE OUT
DESERT FLOWER
FADE IN:
INT. -SALOON- NIGHT
COYOTES HOWLING just outside by the side of the road, as THREE PROSTITUTES PRANCE along the FIVE MEN DRINKING at the bar.
MUSIC from a PLAYER PIANO churns out the old western ditties. At the far end of the bar, the BARTENDER WIPES glasses with a DIRTY TOWEL as he SPIT SHINES them with his TUBERCULAR SPUTUM.
A DOG and his MASTER walk into the bar. They grab a seat at a table next to the piano. TRIXIE, 22, one of the three prancing prostitutes, walks over to the dog.
TRIXIE
What a nice doggie? Is he yours?
MASTER
Yes.
TRIXIE
Does he have a name?
MASTER
Doggo
TRIXIE
Nice name. Would you like to leave your dog here while you and I mozzey on up to my bedroom?
MASTER
How much will that cost me?
TRIXIE
Just give me this here little doggie. I’m lonely and I need a pet. This is a rough business I’m in and I sure would love the love of loyal loving dog.
At that very moment…GUN SHOTS BLAST SMOKE near their heads. It’s the bartender. Shot dead. BULLET HOLE right in the middle of his forehead. His lifeless bloodied body droops over the bar, arms outstretched over the bar in some kind of pathetic plea of forgiveness. Looks like someone didn’t appreciate the tubercular sputum spit shined in their glass.
A BEAT…
TRIXIE
As I was saying please give me your dog.
MASTER
Ok. Here.
THE STANDARDIZED TEST
INT. HIGH SCHOOL – HALLWAY – MORNING
The camera creeps along the ground of a long hallway – passing blue and gold lockers all equal in size. One locker happens to be opened – the result of some students’ absentmindedness.
We approach a door. On the door is an 8×5 piece of paper that reads ‘Testing. Quiet’. A fair request.
The camera creeps under the door and into the classroom.
INT. CLASSROOM – A CONTINUOUS SHOT
A TEACHER sits at a desk at the front of the room. His feet are up as he watches the STUDENTS, who are taking the STANDARDIZED TEST.
We travel down the middle row. In the front sits A PRETTY GIRL, 17, who sits in front of ANOTHER PRETTY GIRL. They’re both assiduously taking the test…assiduously.
We finally reach STEVE REED, 17, sitting three seats down the middle row. He’s a dark-haired boy with a fair complexion. He too is taking the standardized test…assiduously.
But suddenly, his NUMBER TWO PENCIL breaks.
REED
Rats (the expression, not the vermin)
Luckily he’s packed another in his backpack. He takes it out. It’s sharpened.
REED
(in a quiet, standardized test taking voice)
Thank goodness.
He puts his two eyes back to the question he was working on.
He reads the question to himself. He then reads the answer choices to himself.
REED
(a quiet voice)
A…B…C…or D. Which one should I chose?
(thinking)
I’ll chose B.
REED takes a moment, but then circles B. He moves to the next question.
THE BEAST FROM PLANET 7734
FADE IN:
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Welcome, my friends. How often have we looked into the infinite velvety blackness of the night sky? How often have we wondered if we, the minute denizens of this tiny blue marble in the vast ether of space, are alone? Would we be ready to find out if we were not? Would we be ready to face the cold reality that there exists other, more intelligent, and yet possibly even more fearsome races amongst the millions of planets out there? Well, my friends, I am here to tell you that I believe. I believe that we are not alone. I say this not from my own personal feelings, but from the knowledge I have gained based on the testimony of the few witnesses who barely escaped with their lives from . . .The Beast from Planet seven seven three four!
EXT. BACK PATIO OF A SMALL RANCH HOUSE – NIGHT
JACK BENDER and MARY BENDER stand by a grill with hamburgers cooking, each tending to different tasks.
JACK
It sure is a beautiful night, huh Mary.
MARY
It sure is, Jack. I’m so proud of you for getting that new job with the government. I can’t wait for you to start tomorrow. I just wish you could tell me what it was about.
JACK
(Giving her a playful
squeeze)
Aw Mary, I told you I was sworn to secrecy about my new job.
MARY
But surely a wife doesn’t count . .
.
A MOVIE I WROTE
By Makya McBee
This is a movie about a family, it’s really good and interesting. The dad’s name is Jack and the mom’s name is Jackie and the kid’s name is Jack, and there are some other people in it too. I think it would be good if there were good actors in it. The movie starts on a road, and there is a broken down car.
JACK
Looks like we got a flat tire, Jack.
JACK
I’ll get the jack, Jack.
Jack goes to get the jack but it’s not there.
JACK
Oh no, looks like someone jacked your jack, Jack.
Jack kicks the flat tire. He smells something but doesn’t want to talk about it.
JACK
I knew I shouldn’t buy used tires from uncle Jack the lumberjack, he jacked up the prices. Here, help me pick up the car, Jack.
Jack picks up the car while Jack works on it. Jackie looks worried (because of the whole car thing – it’s dangerous).
JACK
Jackpot! Almost got it.
JACK
Oh no, I’m losing my grip, Jack!
Jack drops the car on Jack. Jack is dead.
Jackie grabs her cell phone.
JACKIE
Uncle Jack! It’s terrible. Jack’s dead.
JACK
Which one?
Even though it’s really bloody and disgusting. Jackie, Jack and Jack laugh. Jackie puts on her jacket. In the background, a jackal chases a jackrabbit.
Dis movie called epic actionpacked blockbuster will make you’re career
you
pathethetic peice shit reader producer whatever stuckup cocksucker
you’re. You suck!!!
Play song “Metalica – So What!!!!”
adeOut with disolved smashcut to dramatic tiltCrane………
Angle on extreme close up
zooming out to an extreme
long shot
of (HAPPY GUY siTing AT CAfay TAYBLE)
voyce oVer says <<>
turns to wait-tress asks, ‘hello sir.’
She starts thinking ’bout ThE tHe fakebomb she was planted down streat,
decided wants have orgasm when supposed to blow up, so says
[Izybela, I’m lean intoo kiss you, issaBella]
And suddenly he finishes
haing
epilepticFit as she suddenly leaned in they have
sex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111
11111111111
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Suddenly sudden suddenness of epic actionpacked thoughts of
snail, jaCK,
(178456893287.734)
protagonist who saved world from butterfly=effect butterfly across
?VOPOINTOFVIEWCUTTO) other side of world who wheres pink slippers,
but we wont see that for rest of screenyweenieplay, oops I is sorry, meant
movie. Glad I fixewd that mistake lest I look like a ripe fool.
Anyway, where was I? Oh that’s
right. they races cross screen to fast too read,
we in audience is on edge of seet. “<— cool line ay? I
so gooooood. I love you (MISSES READER|. Now give me your home address
and then access code to your securitySystem so I will rape your kids.” thinks bUm, at end of cownter as dey will have
sex in front of him. CUNT! faDEiN=
Dis movie called epic actionpacked blockbuster will make you’re career
you
pathethetic peice shit reader producer whatever stuckup cocksucker
you’re. You suck!!!
Play song “Metalica – So What!!!!”
adeOut with disolved smashcut to dramatic tiltCrane………
[Angle on extreme close up
zooming out to an extreme
long shot
of (HAPPY GUY siTing AT CAfay TAYBLE)]
voyce oVer says {{{I’ve just been attacked by mugger}}
turns to wait-tress asks, ‘hello sir.’
She starts thinking ’bout ThE tHe fakebomb she was planted down streat,
decided wants have orgasm when supposed to blow up, so says
[Izybela, I’m lean intoo kiss you, issaBella]
And suddenly he finishes
haing
epilepticFit as she suddenly leaned in they have
sex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111
11111111111
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Suddenly sudden suddenness of epic actionpacked thoughts of
snail, jaCK,
(178456893287.734)
protagonist who saved world from butterfly=effect butterfly across
?VOPOINTOFVIEWCUTTO) other side of world who wheres pink slippers,
but we wont see that for rest of screenyweenieplay, oops I is sorry, meant
movie. Glad I fixewd that mistake lest I look like a ripe fool.
Anyway, where was I? Oh that’s
right. they races cross screen to fast too read,
we in audience is on edge of seet. “<— cool line ay? I
so gooooood. I love you (MISSES READER|. Now give me your home address
and then access code to your securitySystem so I will rape your kids.” thinks bUm, at end of cownter as dey will have
sex in front of him. CUNT! faDEiN=
That’s better. The first one post deleted my awesome voice over.
POINTLESS CUTTING OF AN ONION
FADE IN:
ANGLE ON: HE’s OCULUS. Blink. A tear slowly appears from the edge of his eye.
CUT TO:
HE, twenty five, short hair, blue eyes, 6’2” of height, 160 pounds of weight, white tee-shirt with a smile print on it, blue clasic jeans, white sneakers, peels an onion in —
INT. KITCHEN – 15 MINUTES PAST THE TENNIS MATCH (ON TV)
He stands in a kitchen at a kitchen table,
ZOOM ON: BIG KNIFE in his hand,
PAN OUT: Every finger on his hand has a ring… BTW, he’s got a decent manicure, which he does at Mandy’s manicure salon on a weekly basis. But who cares, we don’t. Right?
ANGLE ON: ONION, cut, cut, cut.
SHE (O.S.)
SHALL YOU STOP CUTTING THAT ONION?!
ZOOM IN: He’s face strains.
FADE TO BLACK:
CUT TO:
HE
(scared, meek, sheepish)
I just started, honey.
SHE (O.C.)
Yes, dear. And I want you to stop cutting
that onion.
HE
But, I’m hungry –
ON TV: A BOMB falls on a house.
SHE lies on the couch watching TV in -–
INT. BEDROOM – 5 MINS LATER
SHE
We have no food, except onion!
Even if you cut it and eat
it, you’ll still
be hungry!
HE (O.C.)
You think?
SHE
Yeah.
HE
I’ll try anyway.
SMASH CUT TO:
WIDE SHOT: He and She’s house in the middle of nowhere, A BOMB falls on the house and blows it to pieces.
VOICE (V.O.)
Oh, what a pointless cutting of an onion!
FADE INTO THE DRAMEDY
INT. DE GAULE AIRPORT – DAY
JOSHUA Johnson (40) heads to the train and grabs his orange suitcase.
He looks just like Brad Pitt: Handsome and gorgeous, blue eyes. He will make the female audience smile. Especially when he reaches the goal.
Joshua stands in the long line in Customs.
INT. DE GAULE – CUSTOMS – SAME only 2 seconds later
Joshua is # 89. OOPS, now he’s #90 because some guy cut into the line a few yards from him. Joshua gets all riled up:
JOSHUA
Hey!
Nobody pays attention, it’s like NOBODY cut in line. Camera angles on nobody.
An OFFICER and a gentleman walk towards him. Joshua GRABS the coat of the officer:
JOSHUA
Did you just see what that dodo did?
OFFICER
Monsieur, je ne parle pas anglais.
JOSHUA
Well, take a phrase book out. Anyway. This man just popped outta nowhere and cut in line. So now I have to talk to you.
OFFICER
Vous vous paraissez beaucoup à Brad Pitt.
JOSHUA
Comment?
OFFICER
(to the gentleman)
Il est exactement le même.
GENTLEMAN
Oui, oui.
JOSHUA
Well, do something about the line!
The officer and the gentleman will now speak in unison:
OFFICER
-Brad Pitt.
GENTLEMAN
– Oui, oui.
JOSHUA
Hand me that!
He grabs a soccer ball from the gentleman’s hands and runs with it through the big hallway, then kicks it, and kicks it very hard, towards the man who cut in line.
GOAL!
The female audience smile.
FADE OUT
Blake, please ignore the first entry because it had 251 words. I was having too much fun and miscounted. Here’s the edited version. Being awful is too much fun!
THE SOUND OF LIGHT
FADE INTO THE DARK BLACKNESS OF SPACE:
EXT. -DARK BLACKNESS OF SPACE -DAY
Stars shimmer where no man can see. The mists of time can be seen in a comet’s tail. A falling star can be seen in the distance. A LIVELY SPACESHIP cruises past the CAMERA’S LENS. TWO ASTRONAUTS can be seen in their SHINY SPACESUITS through the window of the spaceship’s SOUL. (Which is actually the window, because this is a metaphysical spaceship, and the astronauts are twirling through their FATES, and the spaceship represents their VOYAGE).
CUE THE SOUND OF LIGHT
INT. -LIVELY SPACESHIP- DAY
The MUSIC of GOD can be heard in the far off galaxy, as FINKELTOE, 33, and MIRKLOID, 28, play chess at their STAINLESS STEEL breakfast table in their lively spaceship.
FINKELTOE
In two moves, my dear Mirkloid, I will be able to checkmate you. You will
lose, and I will win, as I always do. You are no match for me. I’m smarter, more experienced pilot; and I always get the ladies to come back home
with me after a night of heavy drinking.
MIRKLOID
Checkmate, you old fool!
Finkeltoe sighs heavy relief, as he lays his bare king down on the chessboard that rests on the stainless steel table.
FINKLETOE
Foiled again! By my very own protege, no less!
EXT. -SILENT DARK SPACE- CONTINUOUS
The lively space ship bears its heavy burden of searching for the road less traveled in a darkened room that is space. Alas!
Captain Perry said this contest is “the equivalent of me asking one of my little league players to hold the bat backwards.” I strongly disagree.
1st, most of us are adults trying out for the Big Leagues. 2nd, many batters swing two bats (or a weighted bat) before their turn at the plate to give them a helpful perspective. 3rd, I saw an acting teacher successfully suggest to a struggling student to OVER-ACT the scene, then UNDER-ACT the same scene, which enabled him to then find the perfect middle to finally nail it. 4th, it’s just a game. Playing Pictionary probably won’t give me seizures. 5th, I bet there’s a Zen batting teacher somewhere producing better hitters by turning the bat around once in a while. His name could even be… Mr. Miyagi.
Wax on, wax off. And smile. ;)
DUODENUM ALLEY??
FADE IN:
??EXT. –PARK AVENUE GASTROENTEROLOGY & ASSOCS –DAY
?World weary private detective, RILEY DEVLIN, 41, tall, rugged, handsome, and lethal, walks up to the front door of PARK AVENUE GASTROENTEROLOGY. He stops and muses how all of his life has prepared him for this one case that he’s about to embark on, before he opens the door and walks in.
??CUT TO:
??INT. –PARK AVENUE GASTROENTEROLOGY & ASSOCS –DAY ??
At the front desk is a BLONDE NURSE, GRETA, 26, a mixture of lithe beauty and acerbic intelligence, looks up and smiles at Riley Devlin, world weary private detective.??
NURSE GRETA?May I help you???
RILEY DEVLIN?I’m here to see Dr. Malfourmalouvian.??
NURSE GRETA?Do you have an appointment???
RILEY DEVLIN?He’s expecting me.??
NURSE GRETA?You need an appointment.??
RILEY DEVLIN?Listen toots, tell him Riley Devlin is here.??
NURSE GRETA?Sit down, relax, and read one of our myriad of magazines on the coffee table. I’ll see what I can do.??
She eyes him a cold icy stare, as he sits down and picks up REDBOOK to read. It figures, she thought. This guy is an asshole AND SENSITIVE. She wondered what it would be like to make love to him while she dialed Dr. Malfourmalouvian’s extension.
Her thoughts wandered to the business at hand: how does she get this dreamy guy to notice her. But the malfeasance in her breath withstood the temptation to rip him a new asshole. She laughed at her witticism.
JUMP CUT…
STEVE CARELL IS – DIRTY HARRY
OVER BLACK – We hear a beautiful woman driven to sexual climax, then,
BLAM, BLAM, BLAM, BLAM, the unmistakable discharge of the weapon that
haunts every criminal’s nightmares.
FADE IN:
AN EXTREME CLOSE-UP PAN ACROSS the smoldering body of a .44 Magnum
lying on silk sheets. (Credits roll) WE SLOWLY PULL BACK and reveal the
sleek, sexy figure of the WOMAN in question, dripping in diamonds and
passion. Words cannot describe how fully satisfied she is:
SEXY WOMAN #1
Oh, Harry.
She has no idea there’s a DEAD HITMAN on the floor by the veranda of
her high-rise penthouse apartment overlooking the sun-washed San Francisco
bay.
Earth, Wind and Fire’s – MORNING GLORY, begins to play as the powerful, visceral figure of INSP. HARRY CALLAHAN, moves naked through the night
shadows from which he was born to the window. He doesn’t check the
Hitman’s body for a pulse. Instead, he steps out onto the veranda, looks
out across the flickering lights of his mother city with the grim
responsibility of a gargoyle but the love of a man.
SEXY WOMAN #1
Come back to bed, baby.
INSP. HARRY CALLAHAN
(with a smirk)
I know what you’re thinking, “Did he fire six
shots or only five?” And to tell you the truth,
I’ve forgotten myself in all this excitement.
You’ve got to ask yourself one question:
“Do I feel lucky?” Well, do ya?
Blake, this contest is a snickering guilty pleasure. Every entry is just BRILLIANT! Who’d have guessed we’d all have so much fun being excruciatingly bad. FADE OUT!
I’M PRETTY SURE I HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER
EXT. SCARY DARK ALLEYWAY – NIGHTTIME
JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT (or a girl that looks strikingly similar to her if you’re unable to sign Jennifer) walks down a dark alleyway. We’re following her from a distance then move in closer.
She bumps into an OLD MAN wearing a raggedy, scary, dark, terrible-looking FISHERMAN COAT and HAT.
OLD MAN
Oh, I’m sorry.
JENNIFER
My fault.
Jennifer walks away.
The Old Man grabs her shoulder from behind. He spins her around. We spin around with her.
OLD MAN
I apologize, but do I know you from somewhere?
JENNIFER
I don’t think so.
OLD MAN
You look unbelievably familiar. Like I’ve known you for years.
JENNIFER
I’m sorry.
OLD MAN
You didn’t happen to hit someone while you were drink driving did you? And throw them over a nearby cliff to rid of the body?
JENNIFER
(thinking hard)
Um…wait…
(maybe?)
No. Must be someone else.
Jennifer walks away.
The Old Man watches her for a moment and then takes out his CELL PHONE.
OLD MAN
Hey, Ben. Do you remember a while back when we were chasing those teenage kids?…right…there was an attractive brunette…what did she look like?…really?…CRAP ….I think I just saw her…How sure?…I don’t know. 65% or 75%….yea…just come get me…I’m in the alley next to Park Street…ok…Wait! Bring my hook?…ok
The Old Man hands up his cell phone and squints down toward the end of the alleyway. So it begins.
SIMULTANEOUS
EXT. Outside the Town – Day?
A man named JOHN, THIRTY, vaguely annoyed, came out of the west and walks into a bar.
INT. Bar
When John enters inside, there is a collective intake of breath, as if everyone is having an asthma attack and there aren’t any inhalers.
JOHN
(squints hard)
I’m looking for someone who looks like this.
He points at his own face.
ZOOM IN ON FINGER, lit from above.
No one speaks, so he keep pointing at his face. He even makes different expressions to help them along.
Sound OF A chair scraping BACK. A MAN IN BLACK stands: a dead ringer for John.
MAN IN BLACK
Got a name?
JOHN
John.
MAN IN BLACK
That it?
JOHN
(squints so hard his eyes meet)
I think you know the rest.
MAN IN BLACK
Say it anyway!
JOHN
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt!
MAN IN BLACK
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
JOHN
What’s so funny?
MAN IN BLACK
That’s my name too.
JOHN
I know. I’m your clone, remember? Listen, Judy’s about to divorce you, your kid’s on the pipe AND the pole, and your 401k’s tanked.
MAN IN BLACK
What the hell am I supposed to live on?
JOHN
You could harvest my organs and sell them.
MAN IN BLACK
(smiles)
You are sweet, but I need you to get back in there. Cause whenever you go out, people should always shout, there goes, you know, YOU. Not me. I got more drinkin’ to do.
@Captain Perry: it’s more like holding a bat backwards to understand why you can’t hit a ball that way – sometimes doing something the wrong way shows why the right way is better.
Legend of the last and final sequel
Ext. Huge completely covered veranda – 3pm
We see the VERANDA which we know is a VERANDA, not out
in the RAIN, with no visuals or tone to set the scene,
and no CLOCK. We see a MAN, thirty three years, and six
days old, who’s the protagonist with no name, facial
expression, personality description, visual impression,
or action that would deliver his core character in a
unique way.
NARRATOR (O.S.)
Narrators do voice overs, but I’m
telling you I’m in the same room
but not seen onscreen.
We saw the MAN, past tense, who thought about the
NARRATOR talking, which was impossible to show
onscreen.
CUE MUSIC: Most expensive SONG to add to the BUDGET
even though the DIRECTOR won’t use it anyway.
SMASH CUT TO:
MAN’S FINGER pushing the KEY of a COMPUTER that
should’ve been mentioned in the FIRST PARAGRAPH.
The MONITOR reads: “don’t tell the director what to
do!” which should be all caps.
man
For my first line of dialogue, I
think I won’t intrigue with core
character. Instead, I will tell
what I’m thinking and use on the
nose dialogue to deliver
exposition and explain. Narrator,
I’m typing at a computer.
ANGLE ON NARRATOR
NARRATOR
(DON’T CAPITALIZE
DIRECTING THE ACTOR TO DO
SOMETHING HE WILL DO
ANYWAY. CONFUSED)
Why are you telling me something I
already know?
MAN
I’m trying to teach instead of
entertain.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
ZOOM OUT, CRANE UP,
CRAB LEFT, DISSOLVE
TO, FADE OUT:
TERMINATOR 33: WIZARD FODDER
Jacqueline Lichtenberg
EXT. FLAT DESERT SANDS – NIGHT
AERIAL VIEW TILTING AS A BIRD’S EYE WOULD SEE IT:
By the effulgent glow of a 3/4 Moon, three encampments
form a tight triangle against the dark pink desert, and
they’re all enclosed by three concentric circles. The
outermost circle consists of three dozen men in combat
gear. The middle circle is cameras and motion detectors
linked to machine guns through the computers in one camp.
The inner circle is a groove in the sand filled with rock
salt with big, fat RED CANDLES at the cardinal points.
Three men face off between encampments: ROSARIO (50’s)
resplendent in a glowing, bejeweled wizard’s outfit
complete with conical hat, newly promoted COLONEL
WORTHINGTON (40’s) full battle rattle, and his newly
divorced son, PHIL WORTHINGTON (20’s) spindly geek
festooned with tech gear which he bought with money
borrowed from his father to start a Security firm.
THREE-SHOT CLOSEUP
ROSARIO
What do you mean, it’s JUST salt!
My perimeters ALWAYS hold! You
two can take your mind-blind men
and useless gadgets and go
someplace safe!!!
A cell phone RING TONE JAMIE FOX BLAME IT! SHATTERS THE
NIGHT. Phil grabs at his devices. All the electronics
BLEEP, then flicker and go dark. A FLYING DRAGON
spouting gouts of FIRE swoops toward the perimeters.
Soldiers fire, LIGHTING the sky, missing. The Dragon
blasts the soldiers to cinders, HITS the SALT RING and
crashes as if against a glass barrier and flops dead.
@Captain Perry — I learned from Alma Hill that “writing is a performing art” and the comment likening this exercise to an acting exercise seems to me closer than the sports analogy.
As you can see from my entry, I found out how hard this exercise is.
This is a beautiful writing lesson complete with professional level incentive.
Thinking some more and wondering if I should try another entry, I decided this is such a good lesson, I’m going to tweet it. Blake, are you on twitter? Follow me at http://twitter.com/JLichtenberg where I’m collecting writers, musicians, editors, publishers, actors etc.
I just Retweeted a quote this morning which is where I got the idea for this entry, but didn’t get the quote into the entry.
RT @skydiver QUOTE!!! EVERYONE should memorize: “Never anger the dragon, for you are little and go well with ketchup.”
“skydiver” is Social Media CEO Adventurist, founder of Help A Reporter Out (HARO) – http://tinyurl.com/6odo4k
And if you don’t subscribe to the HARO NL, you are missing out on a great chance to generate publicity. Subscribers to skydiver’s NL are considered news sources, and reporters post calls for information. It’s the obverse of a PRESS RELEASE. You don’t send OUT your info, you wait for a real reporter to come ask you for it! Skydiver was on TV recently. His concept is growing.
BECOMING ARTHUR
FADE IN:
Open on CLOSE UP (not too close, about 3 feet away) of a DIGITAL ALARM CLOCK. It’s exactly 5:59 A.M.. CLICK. 6:00 A.M.
The clock screams like a chicken in Alaska seeing the sun for the first time in six months. Except this bird can sing and it’s belting out show tunes – “The hills are alive with the sound ..”
A MAN’S HAND, 45ish, reaches over and hits the snooze button.
We’ll soon learn the hand belongs to ARTHUR EL JARDIN a once wealthy exporter who’s hit a stretch of bad luck a country mile long.
Camera PANS DOWN to floor strewn with high priced bottles of Cabernet.
CLOSE UP of ALARM CLOCK (now about two feet away !) 6:14 CLICK 6:15
“Oklahoma ! Where the wind ..”
A woman’s hand- chipped scarlet nail polish- hits the snooze.
Camera moves LEFT where a large antique mirror hangs. In the reflection we see the spacious room. (Hang in there gentle reader this is a metaphor that’s fully revealed in Act 3). The once elegant furniture is now worn and shabby.
Camera QUICKLY MOVES back to the clock (one foot away !) 6:25
“Somewhere over the ..”
Arthur bolts upright in bed. Half of his faced is dolled up with mascara, eye shadow -the works. The other half sports a full days unshaven stubble. He looks down at his hands. His left hand has chipped scarlet nail polish, and the other nothing.
ARTHUR
Holy #@&* ! I’ve done it again !
Interier, The Black Lair of the Worm – inside
Billy Smalls is a thirty-three year old secret scientist. He wears blue jeans and a ripped tee-shirt showing sweating muscles, and white Keds. His socks have holes in them.
The camera follows Billy Smalls walking into the room with a table and a chair. He walks to the chair. He sits down in the chair across from Billy Emmerson and Billy Emmerson’s wife, Emily Emmerson, who are sitting at the table. Billy Emmerson is forty-four years old and has red hair which is just as red as his normal temper. Emily Emmerson has a black eye and she is Twenty-one years old and really has nothing in common with Billy.
Billy Smalls: You again, Billy!
Billy Emmerson: I did not know you were so smart as to track me to my secret hideout.
Billy Smalls: (proudly!) I am smart. I am a secret scientist!
Emily Emmerson stares at Billy with sad eyes as she thinks deep down how she really wishes he would take her away from her life to somewhere romantic.
Billy Emmerson: If only I had not make you drink that formula when we were in college. (And he pounds his fist on the table!!!!!)
Emily Stands up and says: Stop it now! I don’t like you! I don’t know that I can take this any more! I know now I was right!”
The bomb explodes blowing everyting up. (It was hidden under the table.)
The camera blows backwards.
THE KILLER SPIRIT
Ext. Western Bar
It was a dark and stormy night as rain fell upon the landscape being swept by the howling wind across the boots of the Man with the reputation of: Killer!!!
Killer steps in: Do you see this gun! This gun is a colt peace maker. It will shoot you into pieces. Oh, I will see to that. You shot my son!
Evil Man: I did not shoot your son. I know who….
Killer: Silence! Liar! I have walked many streets to find you and now I have found you and I can see that you are guilty. I can feel that inside looking in your eyes.
We FLASH BACK to time that was happy as the Killer plays with his new born son, tossing him into the air. Suddenly a THUNDEROUS GUN SOUND echoes out and the baby would cry except that the baby’s head blows up from the bullet.
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Red droplets fall down on the killer’s face in slow motion like the rain earlier.
End Flashback on Killer saying: That’s why I want to do to you everything you have done to me and I will take your life away from you – do you understand!!!??
Then the sheriff runs in and kills the killer. He falls and thinks of his sad life.
Killer: I will come back as a ghost and kill you all!
The camera lifts and cranes up to the sky past the rain drops that fall to earth.
17 Bottles of Beer
INT. The back room of the bar where normal people aren’t allowed inside – Night
Steadycam inside past drunks and flies and morph thru the door to:
John Waters Booth has tears running down his cheeks so clearly showing he is thinking of the girl who left him.
John’s best friend, Cakes McQueen, is a rag-tag, kinda spur of the moment bar tender who was once goth but now just comes off like someone who has forgotten her dreams. The camera pans over as Cakes uncaps the bottles of beer in front of John.
Cakes: (Emotional) I don’t know why you take it so hard and why you can’t see things right in front of you. She didn’t want you.
John: No, Cakes, you’re wrong. I’m going to sit here and drink this beer remember all the things I did wrong to all them seventeen women whose life I done messed up something terrible. I think I should drink 17 full beers.
Cakes: You don’t need them 17 beers John. Can’t you see my heart beating right here in front of you? I wanted you before that freak accident and I do now.
Cakes touches the scar on John’s cheek.
John: I ain’t got no worth.
Suddenly Raspy Jackson runs in and we Dolly up to his face!
Raspy: John, Aliens are landing and killing everything in sight! What are we gonna do! What’s gonna stop them, John!!??
John raises a BEER to his lips: Oh hell.
FADE IN:
ROLL CREDITS with OMINOUS TONES
The CLICK, CLICK, CLICK of a STOVE
INT. KITCHEN — MORNING
PAM, 40, hot but unruly hair is dressed like she went out last night with her girlfriends and hasn’t changed.
The flame on the stove catches!
CLOSE UP of the BLUE FLAME like a cold ring of fire in hell.
She puts BACON in the pan as:
STUART, 37ish, out of shape sits at the table trying to figure out his CELL PHONE. He’s wearing no shirt and we can’t see if he has underwear on.
STUART
Where were you at?
She turns.
PAM
(angrily)
Don’t use a preposition at the end of a sentence. You know I hate that! What the colonel taught me.
Using silver TONGS she starts to turn the burning bacon.
PAM
(with frustrated sarcasm)
Well, aren’t you going to say anything else?!
Satisfied he’ll never be able to use this confusing gadget, he sets it on the table amongst the plates and silverware. He sips his orange juice down.
A very slow ZOOM on him as:
STUART
(we can see he’s thinking that his whore of a wife was at it again last night, lying, saying she’ was going out with friends, “girls night out” b.s. He could smell she was sucking that big black guy off!)
Ummm…
He looks at the knife, should he stab her?
We see him looking at the splattering bacon grease, should he splash her with it?
STUART
(with resignation)
No.
THE BIRDFEEDER
FADE IN:
We open on BRIGHT BLUE that screams: Tranquility! We can start to hear the sound of COUGHING.
MUSIC CUE: SATURN BY GUSTAV HOLST
CUT TO:
CU: A LEAF
PULL BACK TO REVEAL leaf IN SLOW MOTION floating ON AIR.
BEGIN CREDITS
CAMERA PANS TO LEFT as wind SLAPS the leaf.
TRACKING SHOT – LEAF BLOWING OUT OF FRAME.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. BENCH – NIGHT
ZOOM IN ON bench where they’re many LEAVES. Sometimes KIDS frolic in them. Not today. CAMERA FOLLOWS A MAN as he walks to bench. We see the man sit on it, stand up, go to his car, drive to Denny’s. CAMERA VEERS AROUND and STOPS at his FACE. This is our hero, The Birdfeeder. He’s Walter Matthau in “Grumpy Old Men,” but with A BAG. Suddenly, we hear COUGHS rise from HADES’ nether depths and come out his MOUTH.
MAN (V.O.)
Cherish life!
Holy hell he’s so right.
FADE TO WHITE:
OVER WHITE:
(NOTE: It’s that white we see when we die). COUGHING can be heard.
INSERT: X-RAY OF DISEASED LUNG
EXT. BENCH – DAY
He spent all night here.
PULL BACK to WIDE SHOT of him THINKING deeply. THEN:
ECU: BAG
PULL BACK to WAIST SHOT of him EATING… BIRD SEED!
MAN
(angrily, to US)
When did I get CANCER?!
DISSOLVE TO:
FLASHBACK – EXT. BENCH – DAY
SUPER: YESTERDAY
There’s COUGHING.
HIS POV – HIS BLOODY HAND
END FLASHBACK
OVER BLACK:
MAN (V.O.)
KILL EVERY TERRORIST!
YEAR 3589
FADE IN:
INT. – MILKY WAY – MARS – 9:30a.m.
EXTREME CLOSE-UP on a DIVORCE
NASH JACOBS
(furrowing his brow)
Are you in love with my dad?
MRS. JACOBS
(foreboding)
This is the 36th century.
NASH JACOBS
(furrowing his brow)
Now wait a hot second! You are my wife. You can’t hurt me again like you did before when you loved my brother!
THEY get a DIVORCE because it adds to the quality of the moral premise of the film. The DAD ENTERS to add conflict and irony.
DAD JACOBS
(furrowing his brow)
Hey Mrs. Jacobs, there is something I have to tell you.
(looks at Nash with a fatherly tenderness only understood by those who have fathered sons)
Nash! I did not see you there.
(notices that they are getting a divorce)
Don’t get a divorce guys. You two are so right for each other. You met on the plane ride out of earth when it got destroyed in year 3000 You guys have 10 children. They will become axe-murderers if you guys get a divorce.
NASH JACOBS
(furrowing his brow)
Looks like it’s time to settle the score
(14 beats)
And save some lives once and for all.
NASH PUNCHES both of them and they die of brain trauma. He takes off their masks to reveal cyborgs that are taking over Mars. Because they live on Mars now.
NASH JACOBS
(furrowing his brow)
I knew they were cyborgs because I have 9 children.
THE MEANING OF LIFE IN TWO PAGES
A short film by the Dali Lama
High atop a mountainous mountain, a wise man sits.
WISE MAN
Must have been the chicken . . . so it could lay the egg . . . no,
must have been the egg . . . so it could hatch the chicken . . .
damn it, this is tougher than I’d thought . . .
A truth seeker (think Brad Pitt, but less handsome, or Steve McQueen, but more living) struggles up the mountain. In the distance, a tree falls, but we don’t hear it . . . or do we?
The wise man (think Russel Crowe, only older and much, much wiser or possibly Pauly Shore with more depth and less nepotism) uncrosses and recrosses his legs.
WISE MAN
We park . . . in the drive way . . . but drive . . . in the . . .
parkway? Confounding!
The truth seeker finally reaches the summit and approaches the wise man.
TRUTH SEEKER
I have traveled for thirty days and eighteen nights –
WISE MAN
Stop. I don’t like your math.
TRUTH SEEKER
I may have miscounted. Regardless, I came to ask
you the meaning of life.
WISE MAN
What I say next will forever change the way you see
the world. With this knowledge, you will finally
understand everything that is, was, and ever will be.
The truth you seek, the secret, the meaning of life is
(CONT)
TURNIP FLAMBE’
FADE IN:
INT. SOUTHERN OKLAHOMA – NIGHT
We DOLLY past guns! And more guns! OHH!! The number of guns just gets you all tingly inside! Once brave men looking at the guns seem more worried than the last as each thinks about the danger they face! We PUSH IN AND TILT DOWN to see a four-foot, GENERAL HUEY LONGMAN, 54 years old, dripping sweat like a greasy taco.
GENERAL
Don’t think twice boys! The Turnip-Headed Monster
is dangerous! Even those from the North who casually
take employment from we hard-working Americans –
even they run in fear at the mention of its very name!
The evil shriek of something evil is heard. The men recoil in horror as STU THOWP, 22, shoots over the hill and hits the ground spewing innards like a greasy taco exploding in your hand after a good bite!
DOCTOR
(Analytical but obtuse)
I am a doctor! I cannot fix that!
PITCH FORK MAN
What is going on here!
(Leaning in, petrified)
He ain’t got no eyes!
The General runs up and grabs Pitch Fork Man, 42, Redhead, with a profile of the US Nickel.
GENERAL
You scared now! No, this ain’t no monster potato,
this is a turnip out for blood! Any questions!
MARLIN THUNDER
I do. What’ll you give me if I bake that
turnip in a flame from hell??
The men all turn to see MARLIN THUNDER, US HERO! Proud, Young, a man who can eat a taco in one bite!
OBAMA PLAYS MAMA
INT. OVAL OFFICE – MORNING
President Barack Obama sits in his swivel chair in the oval office signing documents and executing the morning tasks.
Two SECURITY AGENTS stand on both sides of the door across the room.
SECURITY AGENT #1 touches his ear to better hear his EAR PIECE.
AGENT #1
What? Send them in.
Someone KNOCKS at the door.
SECURITY AGENT #2 opens the door. A SMALL WOMAN walks into the room carrying a PINK BACKPACK. The door closes behind her.
OBAMA
Can I help you?
The Small Woman walks toward Obama’s desk. She takes the backpack from off her shoulder and places it on the desk. She unzips the backpack.
The Security Agents immediately take out their GUNS and rush towards the Small Woman. They each aggressively place their guns on her head and SLAM her onto the desk.
AGENT
No sudden moves! What’s it the backpack?
OBAMA
Gentlemen, it’s fine.
The Security Agents look at each other and then back away.
The Small Woman unzips the backpack. She pours the contents onto the desk. Barbies, dolls and makup spill out.
OBAMA
What’s this?
SMALL WOMAN
(can’t understand)
I am a nanny for Samantha.
OBAMA
Samantha? My niece?
The Small Woman nods.
SMALL WOMAN
Your wife is out of the country for the next month.
OBAMA
And…
SMALL WOMAN
I am on vacation.
Suddenly, SAMANTHA OBAMA, 8, runs into the oval office. She jumps onto the desk and lunges onto Obama’s lap.
SAMANTHA
Pedicure time!
THE WORLD IS GOING TO END
OUTSIDE – DOWNTOWN NEW YORK – DAY
The screen is black.
We hear a slow, steady, pumping HEARTBEAT.
Now, no more black on the screen. The movie begins.
The streets are crowded with PEOPLE from all walks of life. I mean, it’s New York. They’re all going about their morning routines.
The heartbeat continues…
We close in on a COUPLE walking side by side. They’re both unloading on their cell-phone, talking very important business. They’re a typical couple from New York.
BOYFRIEND
(aggressively talking on the phone)
I want you to put it on my secretary’s desk!
GIRLFRIEND
(also aggressively talking on the phone)
Why? Because if you don’t I’ll fire you!
They both simultaneously hang up the phone and look at each other with stone cold faces.
BOYFRIEND
Morning.
GIRLFRIEND
Morning.
The heartbeat is still beating…beating…beating…
Suddenly, the sky turns BLOOD RED. What? Crazy!
The Girlfriend looks up toward the sky.
GIRLFRIEND
Rain?
BOYFRIEND
Whatever.
The Girlfriend stops and grabs the Boyfriend to stop as well.
GIRLFRIEND
(pointing toward the scary sky)
No, look.
The camera pans out epicly and we see that everyone in downtown has stopped. Everyone stands still, looking up at the sky.
The heartbeat begins to beat more rapidly…Is it the heartbeat of the city?
GIRLFRIEND
Do you feel that?
BOYFRIEND
My skin…it’s…burning?
A bright light SHINES across the city, blinding everyone.
GIRLFRIEND
The world!
BOYFRIEND
It’s ending!
The screen turns black again.
The heart beat slows…slowing…slowing…stops.
THE FROSTY BEVERAGE
FADE IN:
INT. MIDDLE CLASS LIVING ROOM – GILBERT, AZ – SUMMER – NIGHT
FUZZY CAMERA brings a large translucent plastic cup filled with ice and dark soda into focus. A 30-something white male hand comes into frame and plalyfully picks it up.
ANGLE ON THE CUP
as its lifted to the mans face.
CUT TO:
WIFE
(creasing her brow as she stares into her computer)
That’s mine. The drink. It’s mine.
The SOUND of SLURPING off-screen.
HUSBAND
(ahhhhhhh)
I know. That’s what makes it so good. If it were mine, I wouldn’t want it.
He drinks. Fully. Shee takes a SIP. She BELCHES. He FARTS. She RUNS. They had settled into their familiar routines, and were relatively content.
Or were they?
OMINOUS ORGAN MUSIC begins.
CUT TO:
ANGLE ON LIVING ROOM WINDOW
as 3 masked Englishmen break the front door down.
SMALLISH BANDIT
(brashly)
You have 2 minutes to decide which ONE item to take with you. GO!!!!!
WIFE
(distraughtly)
What?! Why are you doing this?
OTHER BANDIT
(shrugging)
There wasn’t nothing good on the tele.
HUSBAND, WIFE are clubbed unconscious.
SMASH-CUT TO:
BLACK.
FADE IN:
EXT. DESSERTED ISLAND – MIDDLE OF NOWHERE – LOW TIDE
HUSBAND and WIFE, still groggy, wake to find themselves with each other and their one item (TBD).
WIFE
I thought that game we played as children on road trips was only to pass the time.
HUSBAND
(confused)
What?
WIFE
(triumphantly)
At least I have my frosty beverage.
HUSBAND
I’m thirsty.
WIFE
(into camera)
It’s mine.
@ Captain Perry — EXCELLENT entry. Violates THE cardinal rule hammered into all beginners then procedes to get even worse. Now take your tongue out of your cheek and dump the hostile attitude, and give us an earnest attempt you would actually see from a beginner (yeah, that’s not exactly what the contest is about, but the exercise here is valuable if you approach it seriously.) We’ve got one that uses the typo in the opening line — I think I should have included more there/their etc typos. Blake didn’t mention it, but the TYPO is a biggie. How about someone do one that opens in a writing class, say with a big banner saying SAVE THE CAT! over the whiteboard?
SAVE THE CAT
EXTERIOR — WAREHOUSE — AT NIGHT, DARK
It is 1930’s America.
JAMES BURNEY, older, and BLAKE ‘THE SNYDER’ SNYDER, younger, slowly walk along the side of a warehouse while soft, suspenseful music is playing for the audience for suspense reasons.
LOUD VOICES from inside.
Burney and Snyder reach a very tall WINDOW. They stop. The music stops.
SNYDER
This is the place right
BURNEY
I would bet money on
Burney looks through the window.
POV – Burney
THREE GANGSTERS stand next to a BAG OF MONEY and a CAT tied up in a brown, wooden, whethered CHAIR. Their all holding MACHINE GUINS at the Cat.
The cat is beaten and bruised and bleeding.
GANGSTER #1
Speak cat! Tell us where the rest of the money is!
CAT
(depleted)
Meow…
GANGSTER #2
(to the other gangsters)
He’s not gonna talk.
BACK TO SCENE
BURNEY
Theres the money right there. Lets get it.
Burney makes a move to go inside. He cocks his gun.
Snyder grabs his shoulder and pulls him back.
SNYDER
9 slightly concerned)
Wait…
NURNEY
What snyder?
SNYDER
Him…
BURNEY
Who?
SNYDER
The cat
BURNEY
were getting the money and leaving just like the boss said. It’s the cats own fault he got himself into this.
ON SNYDER – sad eyes
SNYDER
We’ve got to do something.
Burney takes one look inside, then back at Snyder.
BURNEY
Fine. Save the cat, but if I get shot because of you I’ll never forgive you.
Alex S. OH THAT’S HYSTERICAL! I love it! SAVE THE CAT IF YOU DARE!
THE MAN WITH A PLAN
ACT I
OVER STYGEAN BLACKNESS:
KLACK! KLICKITTY-KLACK! KA-BOOM!
GUNSHOTS rips the air. Bullets are SPIT haphazurdly from SHOTGUNS, UZZIES, 44 MAGNUMS, and ROCKET LUNCHERS like deadly wads of Bubalicious Bubble Gum. HEADS, BUTS and LIMBS hit us in 3-D as OUR MAN, a pastry chef, serves up a Grade-A Fancy Can of Whomp-Ass to BADDIES. It’s a delicious BLOODBATH of righteous indignation-fueled mayhem. Nodody’s coming out alive…NOBODY!
OUR MAN
(cooly)
That’s right, PEABRAIN. (beat) I’m the man with a GODDAM PLAN!!!
FOOL gets PIMPSLAPPED.
FOOL
Oowie!
OUR MAN
Damn Skippy Peanut Butter!
WIPE TO:
DEEP SUICIDE-WRIST RED
…as that oozes OFF SCREEN like a hemophiliac’s noseblood, we:
SMASH CUT TO:
THE DEEP DARK BLACKNESS OF THE UNKNOWN UNIVERSE
FADE OUT. UTTER DARKNESS. Long Pause.
Longer…
Wait for it…
FADE IN:
WETNESS FILLS THE SCREEN. It’s like a preschooler pissed his bed down to the boxsprings.
EDGY ROCK MUSIC obliterates our ears as we:
PULL BACK TO REVEAL
EXT. UNDERWATER – NIGHT
Water.
MONTAGE:
…OUR MAN wrestles a GREAT WHITE SHARK…you know the shark has the same chance of winning as an ant does of screwing an elephant…
…like the GOD he is…OUR MAN’S HAND BURSTS out the water towing:
…A SEVERED SHARK’S HEAD…
OUR MAN (V.O.)
A man once said I was dangerous. (beat)
I killed that man with his own eyes then said: (beat) YOUR GODDAMN RIGHT!
The Juice is Loose – The OJ Simpson Story
FADE IN:
INT. WHITE BRONCO
What do you do when the whole world thinks you are guilty? RUN. And that is what our protagonist, OJ SIMPSON, is doing. Though showing no outward signs of it, OJ is conflicted at this moment. His friend, AL COWLINGS, is driving. Al is normally a good driver, but on this day he is driving a little erratically. Perhaps he is distracted or something.
OJ
(forthright, but detached)
Al…my friend…I don’t know if this is the right thing to do.
AL
(friendly, but suspicious)
What are you talking about OJ? I need you to tell me your thoughts…all of them. Don’t leave anything out.
OJ
(now sweating)
What if someone planted evidence that could get me convicted?
AL
(smooth as always)
Where would they plant evidence? I mean I can’t think of any place, especially not in a car, where evidence could be planted. I’m totally serious. Nowhere in this car.
EXTREME CLOSE-UP of OJ’s hands, rubbing together kind of like two sticks when you’re trying to start a fire.
OJ (O.S.)
Yeah, Al, as always, I guess you are right.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL just a small portion of black glove sticking out of a closed glove compartment.
This won’t end good. It can’t end good.
THE YELLOW POMIGRANIT
EXT – TOXIC WASTE DUMP FULL OF TOXIC WASTE – NIGHT – GLOWING
No stars dare shine over this opening scene of a toxic waste dump. There is glowing. Amidst the glowy blackness of it all is a single ray of hope. But we get to that later.
COCKROACH1
Well now the humans have finally done it. They have finally done it, Johnny (aka cockroach 2).
Cockroach2 shrugs, slow melancholy but in an upbeat way viola music punctuated by the sitar strums along on the background. The scene is ripe with anticipation. You can feel it. You could hear a fly land if there were flies in this movie, which there aren’t.
DOWN ANGLE ON CAMERA TO SHOW BOTH ROACHES
COCKRACH 2
YES, Norman, they have finally done it. I never thought I’d see the day. But it has come. The day, that is. And boy has it come.
The viola-sitarry music takes an ominous turn towards the more ominous. A glow is seen on the horizon. It is yellow.
COCKROACH 1
What in the name of my cerci appendages is that?
It‘s yellow. The yellow when a large bug hits your windshield,
COCKROACH 2
My God. They’ve actually done it. I never thought I’d see the day.
Music creshendos of crashing tambourines and cymbals, and the type of music you would hear if you saw a yellow pomagranit. Or a ray of hope in a toxic waste dump full of cockroaches.
FOR LOVE OR MONEY
FADE IN:
INT. DINGY BAR – NIGHT
VITO SANTINO struts up to the bar, a dingy place where they haven’t dusted forever, the smell of rancid beer hangs in the air. He’s dark, brooding. You’d never guess he got his master’s in English lit at Oxford.
CLOSE ON VITO’S EYES
Deep pools of suppressed, conflicted emotion, behind a glaze of hubristic indifference.
BARKEEP
What’ll it be boss?
VITO
Gimme da’ usual.
BARKEEP shrugs, does his thing. VITO contemplates the trap of his own making, this life of crime, wonders about the right moment to tell RITA how he really feels about her.
Ah, RITA. His number one. If only she knew. Then-
It Must Have Been Love by Roxette plays. From the Pretty Woman soundtrack. VITO’S shoulders sag.
BARKEEP
(genuinely concerned)
You okay boss?
VITO
(straightening up)
Fuhgeddaboud’ it.
The door BURSTS OPEN. And there she is. Big-boned, easily 6 feet tall in her heels, halter and hot-pants.
VITO
(nervously)
Hello Rita.
RITA
(recalcitrantly)
Hello yourself.
VITO swallows. Now? Do I dare? What if she-
RITA
(brashly)
Gimme da’ usual.
BARKEEP shrugs, does his thing.
VITO
(sweating)
You’re lookin’ good tonight.
She’s annoyed by his presence. Will he ever stop hovering?
RITA
(dismissively)
Buy me a drink. I’m late for work.
He flicks a ten onto the bar, doing his best to keep the veneer of pretense from cracking under the pressure of raw emotion welling up inside.
THE TWILIGHT ZONE – VICTIMS AND SAVIORS
A feature-length sequel by a multi-competition semi-finalist.
INT. HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM – NIGHT
NARRATOR’S VOICE
(Anthony Hopkins, but younger)
I offer you a literal traffic jam of naked misery.
A blood-sprayed collision of the best and worst
humanity has to offer. A train station, if you will,
where hopes and dreams slip away into, The Twilight Zone.
INT. EXAMINATION STALL – NIGHT
NURSE MARY, a hardened pro, jerks open the curtain for ALDUS ALLEN, 22,
a bicycle messenger cradling a broken arm. Aldus sits on the gurney:
NURSE
(fills out chart)
Insurance?
ALDUS
It’s a sucker’s scam.
NURSE
That’s a no. Emergency contact?
ALDUS
Lady, I ride solo.
NURSE
Sign here, and here.
Nurse Mary leaves. Aldus stuffs sterile-wipes, into his shirt as
DOCTOR VITT, 40, enters, vibrates with traumatic stress.
Nurse Mary eases Aldus back onto the gurney:
DOCTOR VITT
(re: chart)
Organ donor. Good for you.
ALDUS
Yeah, sounded cool.
DOCTOR VITT
Let’s look at that arm.
Nurse Mary restrains Aldus’ legs. Vitt grips Aldus’ broken arm:
ALDUS
Straps necessary? Ouch! Jeeze, doc.
DOCTOR VITT
Cracked that Radius good. Nurse, this one’s
swirling the drain.
Nurse Mary restrains Aldus’ uninjured arm:
ALDUS
Hello. Broken arm. Slap a cast on it.
DOCTOR VITT
I’m calling it. 7:56 PM.
ALDUS
Dude, joke’s over. Get off me.
DOCTOR VITT
Wake-up the harvesting team.
ALDUS
Listen…
KUNG, Nurse Mary splits Aldus’ skull with a frying pan:
DOCTOR VITT
Pow, we’re going to Disney Land.
THE SNARKEY SALESMAN
INT – LOBBY OF A SWANKY UPSCALE NY APARMENT BUILDING
Camera, inside lobby, focuses on a tall Ryan Reynolds-type (but cuter) man, obviously a salesman, veer from the sidewalk and enter the building. A single panning shot not unlike the classic one-shot scene from Snake-eyes will capture him walking up 10 flights of stair to the 10th floor, where he exits the stairwell into an equally swanky hallway.
INT – EQUALLY SWAKY HALLWAY
Salesman knocks on door 10-B, where music from the WIGGLES Television show is wafting from. An woman who must have been featured in People’s 100 Most Beautiful Issue answers the door, children running amok in the background. She has an apron smudged with play-dough flour on over her grey leggings and dolce and gabana sweater. CAMERA FOCUS IN ON HER BEAUTIFUL SPARKLING MISCHEIVIOUS EYES.
SALESMAN
(In his best Marlon Brando impersonation) Well hello there gorgeous. Ya gotta minute?
PLAY DOUGH LADY
Does it look like I have a minute?
SALESMAN
Well actually it does.
PDL
OK then, you have one minute.
SALESMAN
(Sighs the sigh of a man in love) Do you yearn for a simpler life? More time? The attentions of an adoring husband? A new piece of sparkling Tiffany jewelry every time he’s late for dinner?
Cue the romantic music.
PDL
Who doesn’t?
SALESMAN
Well I’m not selling any of that stuff. But I have some nice Tupperware to show you….
PDL
Shut up Harry, I made your favorite tonight.
FADE IN: (slowly)
EXT. TERRA COTTA VILLA – MRS. SANTERELLI DE BRUSH – MAGIC HOUR SHOT – DAY
John Williams like MUSIC starts when a HIGH ANGLE CRANE SHOT (at least 25ft.) establishes a row of willow trees. Some tall, some short, line up a walkway to a tiny VILLA in the b.g. (background). The SUNSET illuminates the villa into a bright bluish kind of red.
CREDITS START.
Foreign student JIMMY SLAMPZEK walks angrliy up to the gate. (Jimmy speaks with a Romanian accent, so we know he is foreign. (not too foreign, not like a terrorist)). Jimmy (anywhere between 19 – 29 years) is an extremely good looking kid. (like Brad Pit of the sort).
SERGIO LEONE CAMERA CLOSE UP on JIMMYS face. Jimmy puts a cigarette between his lips. (important for Character). Jimmy turns his head SLOWLY, (Slow-Motion & best to ad a high powered ventilator). His shoulder long black curley hair flows gently in the mild, warm wind).
SLOW MOTION STOPS.
Jimmy into camera.
JIMMY
(Always with European accent or subtitles – best to be decided by the director)
You vant me to do sis? Reely?
OFF SCREEN see a WOMAN crying.
JIMMY (CONT’D)
(angry face, thin lipped)
Vhere I come from, we don’t like woman crying. I ask you last time, you vant me to burn se house?
ANGLE ON JENNIFER FACE.
POSSIBLE LOW KEY LIGHTING, when we JUMP CUT INTO A FLASHBACK
JENNIFER
(seductive with a southern accent, maybe South Carolina)
Jep!
WEDDING DREAMS
FADE IN:
AT A CAFÉ IN A SMALL VILLAGE IN UTAH
Outside two elephants walk by as our main character Tonja Safari Svensson drinks her coffee with two lumps of sugar that she first tosses in the air before catching them in her cup. Opposite her sits her former boyfriend and also ex-coach Rick “Phone” Davis who desperately tries to figure out a way to leave this conversation.
TONJA
I’m not interested in becoming maid for your girlfriend at your wedding.
ZOOM IN ON RICK’S HANDS (that moves very nervously on the table).
PHONE
I understand if you have problem with that but I ask you to do it for me.
ZOOM OUT INCLUDING THEM BOTH
TONJA
I don’t want to do it for you. You can’t force me. And if you do, I’ll come in jeans.
PHONE
What do you want me to do then? She does not have any friends. She needs a maid of honor at least.
The waitress at the café comes up to the table. She is a tall woman in her twenties with glasses on her nose.
WAITRESS
You seem to have love problems. How about some more coffee?
MOVE CAMERA QUICKLY TO TONJA’S FACE.
TONJA
He is having problems. He is getting married to my cousin whom I known all my life and not to me as I thought he would a year ago.
Tonja suddenly realizes what a bastard Rick is and rises suddenly and leaves without a word.
Hm, why bother with a first page, when a bad title page can put the reader OFF.
Title Page:
The Incredible Adventues of a Foreign Student living the
American Dream in one single Summer (night)
by
STEVEN SANTERELLI SLOMZEK DE BRUSH
Based on a Romanian novel
by
his late father
GENERAL IVAN S.S. SLOMZEK
GENRE: TRAGIC COMEDY with a DRAMA twist
FORMAT: CINEMASCOPE
Revisions I, II, & III
(note: not IV-VIII)
by
Stanislav Topezek, Vasili Muskzek, Sergej Zumzek,
&
Olga Taranssenkov
Founded by the Romanian Film Fond for International Realtions in accordance with the European MEDIA PLUS rules and regulations Act.
Current Revision # IX
by
US WRITER
Rock Hunter
(Not in the writers guild)
Covering American Artists
Mr. Willie Gingrich
Writers & Artists Building
9501 Santa Monica Blvd.
L.A. CA, 90039
SAVED BY THE BELLHOP
INSIDE THE BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL – FRONT LOBBY
We enter through the sliding door of the Beverly Hills Hotel. It’s a normal day at the Hotel. Everyone is going about they’re normal business. Unsuspecting customers walk past the camera. Little do they know….
SUDDENLY! A group of TERRORISTS burst through the sliding door holding MACHINE GUNS!
TERRORIST #1
Get on ground!
A Terrorist SMACKS a MAN wearing a Hawaiian t-shirt across the face. They mean business. Everyone is filed into the corner of the lobby. Petrified.
A Terrorist walks over to an elevator. He looks up and notices one is coming down.
TERRORIST #2
Look! More people!
TERRORIST #7
Take care of it!
Terrorist #2 cocks his machine gun and BLASTS the elevator controls.
CAMERA SWITCHES TO INSIDE OF ELEVATOR – The elevator BUMPS and SHAKES. The people inside SCREAM!
CUT BACK TO LOBBY
TERRORISTS LAUGHING
TERRORIST #10
They screwed!
(mahniacle laughter)
Muahahah!
Out of the kitchen pops HENRY BOONE, one of the hotel Bellhops.
The CHIEF pulls him back into the kitchen.
INSIDE THE KITCHEN
CHIEF
No! You get us all killed!
BOONE
It is my job to make the hotel customers comfortable and safe. To make sure there stay is peaceful. Simply because some terrorists take over the hotel means I have to lay down? Stop doing my job? Close your eyes if you’re too afraid.
Boone takes out a small GUN from his shoe. He cocks it.
BOONE
It’s check out time for these terrorists.
ALONE MAN
EXT – VERY EARLY FOGGY MORNING – PARKING LOT – PALO ALT
FADE IN, CENTER ON MAN
VOICE OVER (A James-Earlly Jones sort of voice)
“Amidst the intruigue of bubbline expectations rife with perpendicular dreams, one man stood apart. He stood alone. In the swirling afterthoughts of a regret-filled life. He stood apart, and above, and so very….ALONE”
The man stands in a trenchcoat in the morning darkness, fog swirling by. He waits. He’s waiting for the signal. He waits some more. THERE! The Krispy Kreme HOT DONUTS sign has just been illuminated. He scurries in.
MAN
(In a husky, undercover double-agent spy-type voice)
I’d like 2 dozen raised glazed and a cup of coffee. Dimitri sent me.
KID BEHIND THE COUNTER
(hesitantly) I’ll get the manager.
Camera at skewed angle in back room as kid enters a smoke-filled room
KID
Uh, Johnny?
JOHNNY
Yeah, what kid?
KID
Somebody is here for donuts and coffee and said some dimwit sent him.
JOHNNY (Panic strikes his face)
No! He’s early! It’s not here! I’ll handle it.
Johnny walks out of the back room and approaches the Man.
Camera at skewed angle the other way, follows him out, shaking like in those indie low-budget films
MAN
Do you have the package?
JOHNNY
It was coming today. I swear. I have the tracking number and everything. It was scanned at 4:00 am in Sacramento. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
Johnny falls at the feet of the man. Sobbing
FADE TO BLACK
PRESIDENT DANGER
DISSOLVE IN
EXTERIOR, THE CITY, THE DAY
We CABLECAM bodies of dead people who were killed and left for dead OVER THE SOUND OF A DEAD PHONE LINE.
NARRATOR
The bodies of the dead were left behind
after the war.
The bodies smell like rotten eggs in the stomach of a dead goat bloating in the sun, drawing flies.
NARRATOR(CONT)
The air was filled with flies so
some days you saw only flies.
TILT OVER TO THE White House and dolly in on a body. The theme from Rocky plays and gets everyone excited.
NARRATOR(CONT)
The President was not going to die because
of his special powers given to him by the aliens!
THE PRESEDENT, 23 and sexy, pushes up erect thru flies. He spits out a fly and looks at the dead. He thinks he is going to be sick but then remembers he is the presedent and presedents don’t get sick smelling the dead.
PRESEDENT
Oh No! I am the only one left alive.
I have failed at my job because look
at the bodies of the dead around me.
He looks down at his arm and sees metal under his rotting skin. We zoom in on the metal and pan up and see shock shoot through his face.
PRESEDENT(CONT)
No! I am living because I am a robot!
I told them no I did not want to be a robot!
He falls on his knees with a KLANG and raises his hands to heaven: WHY!
EXT – SUPER HOT BEACH – SUMMER
SUZZIE SWEETUMS
I love you Stone Austin.
STONE AUSTIN
I love you Suzzie Sweetums.
The two characters have intense love for each other. They think they can never live without each other and they hug each other to show it. FAIRY POTTER who is 18 and has brown hair and no pierced ears but speaks with a little bit of a SOUTHERN ACCENT reaches up with his right hand and puts it on HEIR MONEY’s (who is 17 and really attractive and has hot cat eyes that just make you want to look at her in that really sexy way) left shoulder and pulls her in close AS THE CAMERA DOLLYS around putting the SETTING SUN just in the right spot to that the whole scene is the most romantic thing you’ve ever seen. By this time, FAIRY POTTER has reached up with his left hand and wrapped it around HEIR MONEY’s waist and now they are in a full embrace as the music builds and it is so beautiful that we almost want to cry – so we are feeling what they are feeling. As this is happening, the camera, with a 17mm lens, begins to CRANE UP and we see an ocean behind them and the waves are crashing in around their feet symbolizing the love flowing between them.
SUZZIE SWEETUMS
Promise me you will love me forever.
STONE AUSTIN
I will promise you that I will my, Suzzie Sweetums.
SUDDENLY: AN EXPLOSION!
Textin’ It In
EXT – 20:NY- N
FI on FLEA, 23
FLEA
OMG!
STU, 12, cell in hand.
STU
BFF!
Flea thumbs it, hard!
FLEA
WU
Stu brows the screen.
STU
WRK, U?
FLEA
NIFOC, JK
STU
YWHOL!
FLEA
Yo, P911
Both chill for a moment, then…
FLEA(CONT)
PIR
STU
OMGYG2BK! PITA!
Seconds feel like minutes.
STU
BBL
FLEA
BFN!
STU
L8TR
FLEA
L8TR
GOODBYE SUZIE
FADE IN:
INT. MANHATTAN APARTMENT – NIGHT
JOE lies prone on his bed exhausted from just having sex with his wife SUZIE. They lie on each other’s side of the bed. They both LIGHT CIGARS in UNISON and BLOW SMOKE in UNISON.
JOE:
I want a divorce.
SUZIE:
Me too.
JOE:
But I thought you loved me.
SUZIE:
I thought you loved me?
JOE:
I did.
SUZIE:
So did I.
JOE:
What happened?
SUZIE:
You tell me.
JOE:
No, you tell me.
SUZIE:
Well, first of all you snore in bed. You annoy me. You don’t make more money than me. You don’t pamper me anymore. You don’t cater to my every whim. You don’t say: “Yes Dear” when we argue. You don’t make love to me like you used to. You think I’m fat. You think my kids are obnoxious. You think I’m too demanding. You don’t let me boss you around anymore…
CAMERA PANS TO JOE
Joe takes a revolver from under the bed, sticks the muzzle of the barrel into his ear, and pulls the trigger. CLICK! Nothing. Gun’s empty. Joe CURSES under his breath.
SUZIE CONTINUES TO SPEAK
SUZIE:
…You complain I take too long to cum. You cum too quick! That’s the problem.
JOE:
I didn’t hear you complain about it a moment ago.
SUZIE:
That’s just it! You don’t let me complain anymore. You just want me to keep quiet and smile and not speak.
JOE:
Suzie, can I tell you a secret?
THE FUTURE IS US
FADE IN:
This is a story about change. It happens all around us. Will we understand it’s true purpose?
BEGIN FILM:
INT. THE FUTURE
BEGIN MUSIC that will fill the audience with a sense of purpose. Because, the future really is what we make of it. Fill this scene with present day things you think are worth keeping in the future. But, I see the camera zooming in on A WHITE ROOM and PEOPLE DRESSED IN WHITE. Their sitting down in WHITE CHAIRS. They don’t talk because everyone shares one mind. Its’ THE WHITE HIVE, but everyone is different colors, not just white people. They all SING songs to match the soundtrack. The words don’t matter, the feeling does. WHITE DOVES fly to show peace. And, that’s what this scene is ulitmately about.
NARRATOR
(religious)
There comes a time in your life when something has to change because you can’t continue life the way it is right now in your life. That’s what happened to people after WWIII. They built a place that was no longer violent. This story is about how one man changed the world with his dream of peace that showed us how to truly BE.
BEGIN THE DREAM:
INT. DREAM
If you can envision the “ultimate peace” this dream’s that.
TIME FUGITIVE – An Action Comedy.
FADE IN:
EXT. WASHINGTON, DC – CONSTITUTION AVE. – NIGHT
WEAPONS FIRE trails a Hummer as it shreds away from the capital.
Out-maneuvers three Federal SUVs, causes them to slam together, BOOM-VOOSH!
Accelerates suicidally toward Memorial Bridge:
INT. HUMMER – NIGHT
AGENT, ECHO SEVEN, 26, (Ben Stiller), drives. He must not fail the
extraordinary woman next to him, ANNA WELLS, 24.
WHOOSH, a helicopter spotlight catches them:
FLASH FORWARD – TO 2060 A.D.
BACKSTORY MONTAGE –
SCIENTIST’S VOICE
(corrupted, Lawrence Fishburn)
Echo Project: A classified military initiative to create
disposable human clones, for use in extreme-risk operations,
produces a prototype generation of enhanced beings labeled:
Echo-Agents. Each trained in combat and covert intelligence.
A simultaneous breakthrough in temporal physics, privately
funded by dying billionaire, Clive Wells, leads to the conception
of an experimental time travel program code-named, Pathfinder.
Echo Agents are utilized as Pathfinder test subjects. Six die.
This is Echo Seven’s story. Sent back in time to obtain evidence
which will solve the unsolved murder of, Anna Wells, Clive’s brilliant
adult daughter who never had the chance to fulfill her dreams.
FLASH BACK TO – THE PRESENT –
EXT. MEMORIAL BRIDGE – NIGHT
The Hummer is seconds from a deadly barricade.
INT. HUMMER – NIGHT
ANNA WELLS
Seven. Thanks. Wish I could’ve said goodbye to my father.
Seven hits the brakes, SCREEEEEECH:
SEVEN
Clive Wells! Of course! He’s our only hope.
I can’t do it! I can’t make it!
Through all the entries, that is. I’m laughing so hard (and sweaty) from the first few that I seriously can’t go on. Yet. ;)
Great idea, Blake!
THE INTRODUCTION
EXT. BOSTON COMMON – MASSACHUSETTES – PRETTY- DAY – OUTSIDE
We’re gently gliding through the boston common park in massachusetts. It’s a beautiful, gorgeous day. If any eyes were to meet the view of the day they would be floored. It’s absolutely stunning.
A man, TODD ANTHONY, walks alone along the pathway sipping a coffee he just purchased for STARBUCKS. It’s delicious and his expression conveys that. To Todd, there’s nothing more delicious than enjoying a STARBUCKS COFFEE while walking through the BOSTON COMMON. Seeing this view and drinking such a coffee, anyone would agree.
He’s still walking, passing people playing catch with a BLUE FRISBEE and another couple KISSING ON THE GRASS. Peaceful, isn’t it?
What could make the day even better? Ah yes, the woman who TODD ANTHONY is meeting today at the park. He’s picturing her beautiful face in his mind. Isn’t she?
Ah, there she appears from across the way. She’s even more beautiful than in his mind where he was just thinking about her in the last paragraph. Smiles.
She gets closer. She had just been at yoga, so she’s carrying her YOGA MAT with her and drinking a WATER. Fun.
They’re closer.
They’re even closer. Face to face. Both smilies. Both carrying evidence of what they were previously doing – TODD was at STARBUCKS and the woman, SARAH, was at YOGA.
Todd decides to break the silence of them both standing there with the passing people passing.
TODD
(contently)
Hi.
SARAH
Hi.
OUT HER SPACE
EXTERIOR – OUTTER SPACE – DAY
A gigantic, silver and slick SPACESHIP (big budget, sorry) glides through space among the stars and planets.
INTERIOR – KITCHEN – OUTTER SPACE – TWO DAYS LATER
CAPTAIN BURKE, a grey-bearded muscular man, is sitting in the kitchen with another crew member, JOHN JOHN, squeezing space-chicken into their mouths from a tube.
BURKE
“Don’t you just want to at least try what it’s like going into space without a helmet? Just to see what it’s like?”
JOHN JOHN
“No”
BRIGHAMS, another crew member, runs into the kitchen.
BRIGHAMS
“Captain, John John, come with me”
They get up from their seats and follow Brighams.
CAMERA SWITCHES TO BEDROOM
MONICA and BRIDGET are yelling in each others face. Everyone else is trying to break up the argument.
MONICA
“Your bed is too close to mine. Move it! Youre all up in my space!”
BRIDGET
“I need the space opposite my bed for my birdcage!”
MONICA
“Forget your bird! Get up out my space!”
BURKE
“Bridget, get out her space’
MONICA
“Get out my space”
BRIGHAM
“Bridget, get out her space”
BRIDGET
“Its my space!”
Captain Burke puts his head down, disappointed. He reaches behind him in his pants and pulls out a LAZER. He points his gun at Bridget.
BRIDGET
(sacred)
“Wait! I’m sorry. I’ll move my bed!”
BLAST! Captain Burke shoots Bridget dead. The steam from the lazer rises from her chest.
BURKE
“I hate birds”
THINGS TO DO WHEN YOU’RE SWEETLY DEAD
VOICE (O.S.)
(auctioneer-style)
This is the part where you pay the fucking utmost attention to what I say like your life depended on dotting all the I’s and crossing all the T’s of every paper ever written using a single ballpoint pen–and still having enough ink left over to re-write The Constitution in Modern Standard Arabic. Bee, bee, BOO! Stay focused. Because I won’t repeat myself. That means ONCE for all your glue-eaters stuck on the short bus. You gonna charge down the bus aisle like a coked-up Spanish bull? Is that why you need the jockey-strap seat belts and the fat guy seats on your banana bus? Pull the toliet paper rolls off your pricks and listen up: YOU.SUCK.AT.MATH!
The voice belongs to KANE (30s).
PHONE RINGS
ON THE TOLIET
Kane picks up the receiver.
GANGSTER
(filtered)
Gots that sugar you owe me, sugarKANE?
KANE (V.O.)
Think I’m remedial English for owing him four pounds of C&H Pure Cane Sugar when he KILLS over sugar? Go sip Kool-Aid without sugar. See if your prick don’t skyrocket out your mouth then Nascar up your butt. I’m not afraid to die for sugar, unlike you sugary bedpissers.
KANE
Please don’t–
GANGSTER
–Too much sugar, end up with holes in your mouth.
CUT TO:
Gangster SHOOTS Kane in the mouth.
KANE’S GHOST
I’mma get my sugary revenge!
Captain Perry: Interesting story! Wish I could read your screenplay. The value of this exercise lies in the way Writing is a Performing Art. As a singer who wants acting jobs must be able to sing anything (including off key with awkward movements (see DIRTY DANCING)), so too a writer who wants to get hired to write must be able to write anything, including snippets of badly-written text.
Suppose your script called for a screenshot of a Word Document with some BAD WRITING on it to prove the owner of the computer was only posturing as a screenwriter to get near his next murder victim?
You’d have to WRITE SOMETHING to go on that screenshot. Just the 250 word snatch Blake has set us to try, nothing more. OK, so what would you put?
Jacqueline Lichtenberg
http://twitter.com/JLichtenberg
48 SHOWERS
CUE MUSIC – AN IRON & WINE SONG (of your choosing)
Credit montage of homeless man, BOOBY JENSON, walking through the streets doing what homeless people do.
MUSIC STOPS
STILL SHOT
Booby is now sitting against a stone wall looking up at the sky.
ON SKY – BLUE WITH CLOUDS
BACK TO SCENE
A friend of Boobys, FROSTY JACK, sits down next to Booby.
FROSTY
“Think you’ll ever get a job, Booby?”
BOOBY
“In this economy, who can? I’ll be homeless forever.”
FROSTY
“It ain’t that bad bein homless. You focus on the negative too much. Be positive”
BOBBY
“positive? I haven’t eaten a full meal in years and people gag when they smell me.”
FROSTY
“God made us all unique snowflakes, Booby”
CAMERA FOLLOWING:
AN MAN IN A BUSINESS SUIT walks up to Frosty and Booby.
FROSTY
“Got change?”
He kneels down to them, puts his briefcase (prop) down next to him. He opens it and pulls out two applications (prop).
BUSINESSMAN
“I do have some change. Bet you haven’t seen one of these before in a while have you?”
BOOBY
“What is it?”
BUSINESSMAN
“A Job offer”
FROSTY
“What kind of job”
BUSINESSMAN
“Beggar’s can’t be choosers. It’s a job. And the interview is in two days. I expect to see you both there.”
The BUSINESSMAN hands them the applications and walks away.
FROSTY
“You hear that, Booby! Jobs!”
BOOBY
“But, look at us. How are we ever going to get clean for the interview?”
A MAN & A WOMAN: PORTRAIT OF LOVE
BLACK FRAME
QUOTE APPEARS:
Love [luhv] n.
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
6. sexual intercourse; copulation.
http://www.dictionary.com
QUOTE FADES OUT:
FADE IN:
ECU – A MAN’S EYES
HIS POV – A WOMAN’S EYES
ECU – A WOMAN’S EYES
HER POV – A MAN’S EYES
ECU – BOTH THEIR EYES
THEIR EYES’ POV – THE OTHER PERSON’S EYES
The SCREEN GOES BLACK on the top and bottom margins to highlight THEIR EYES lost in reciprical love. THEN FREEZES.
A WOMAN (V.O)
I love you.
Like he’s Tom Cruise on Oprah:
A MAN (V.O)
I love you! I love you! I LOVE YOU!
A WOMAN (V.O)
(playfully)
For how long?
A MAN (V.O)
Forever.
DISSOLVE TO:
HANDHELD SHOT
CU – A MAN’S EYES
HIS POV – A WOMAN’S LIPS
CU – A WOMAN’S EYES
HER POV – A MAN’S LIPS
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM – BED – MOMENTS LATER
THE MAN and THE WOMAN are having COSMOS-SHATTERING SEX on a BED.
TITLES OVER THEIR NAKED BODIES IN THE THROES OF FIERY PASSION
A WOMAN (V.O)
(lovingly)
I love you.
A MAN (V.O)
(deadpan)
We need to talk.
SPEED STICK
FADE IN:
TO A JUMP CUT FROM ACROSS THE STREET
EXT. ACROSS THE STREET -TWILIGHT
Two SMELLY guys in a WHITE beat-up SOUPED-UP 1970 CHEVY CHEVELLE drive down the boulevard cruising for CHICKS. The engine ROARS as one of the smelly guys, DAVE, 21, drops it into second as the car passes TWO CUTIES in a 1969 PINK FORD MUSTANG. The other smelly guy, BILL, 45, is all dirty and greasy, because he’s a GREASE MONKEY, and he needs to take a shower bad.
DAVE
Dude, you’re filthy. You’re gonna ruin my rap.
BILL
You stink! Who you shittin’?
ON THE PINK MUSTANG
ON THE WHITE CHEVELLE
ON THE STREET WITH THE PINK MUSTANG and WHITE CHEVELLE
The cars ROAR at each other like lions in an African night on the cold savannah. The STREETLIGHT turns GREEN!
The PINK MUSTANG SCREECHES its tires, burning RUBBER on the PAVEMENT. The WHITE CHEVELLE STALLS! It sounds more like the TRANNY BLEW! Smoke BILLOWS it’s black sooty fog up from the hood. F$%&!
BILL
Did you just blow the tranny?
DAVE
I popped the clutch just like you taught me!
BILL
Now we’re never going to get laid!
DAVE
Sorry Dude.
BILL
Stop calling me DUDE! I’m still your father. If your mother were alive she’d never allow you to call me dude.
DAVE
Yeah, too bad the cancer of the throat got her in the end. She was a really great mom.
Bill opens the car door.
THE WATERMELON
FADE IN:
P.O.V. BLACK SCREEN
QUE VIOLIN SUSPENSE MUSIC FOR THIRTY SECONDS OVER TITLES
INSERT TITLE CARD: THE WATERMELON
FADE IN:
EXT. GARDEN PARK WITH REALLY BIG FOUNTAINS OF WATER – 7:03 A.M.
A MAN IN HIS 50’s, ROBERT DANIELS III, 52, could be 35, depends on makeup. Cast JIM CARREY for this part.
PAN DOWN AND ZOOM INTO ROBERT’S HAND…
WHERE WE SEE a KIMBER (a gun manufacturer that makes really good pistols) FULL FRAME MATCH GRADE .45 specifically made for target shooting.
JIM CARREY
I was holding my Kimber full frame match grade forty five specifically made for target shooting.
WIDE OVERHEAD SHOT
ROBERT DANIELS III with the KIMBER MATCH GRADE .45 stands in the GARDEN PARK WITH REALLY BIG FOUNTAINS OF WATER. He points the KIMBER MATCH GRADE .45 at a…
SMASH CUT:
To a CLOSE UP OF A…
…WATERMELON on the OTHER SIDE of the GARDEN PARK WITH REALLY BIG FOUNTAINS OF WATER. This watermelon is from TANAKA WATERMELON FARMS and was delivered by ABDUL, who lives in IRVINE, CALIFORNIA.
OUR WATERMELON sits on a 3-LEGGED PHILLIPINE MAHOGANY STOOL carved by an 11-YEAR-OLD PHILLIPINE CHILD tied to GIANT PHILLIPINE CREOSOTE POLE so it won’t get away (the child, not the pole).
BAM!
SFX TRACKING WITH A BULLET as it ZOOMS across the GARDEN PARK WITH REALLY BIG FOUNTAINS OF WATER and…
DISSOLVE TO:
THE WATERMELON, HOLD FOR 5 SECONDS.
CLOSE UP of ROBERT DANIELS III’s GREEN EYES, because he missed.
FADE OUT:
THE END
WEDGEWORTH
FADED-IN
The octane beauty of the sky remains unbroken.
(VO)
Our hero, who is secretly a pilot, whose name will remain a secret until introduced later.
CAPT. WEDGEWORTH
Ouch I half a wedge of enormous and epic proportions.
COPILOT (OC)
(on the money)
Under your pants, sir.
JET PLANE
Veers off course toward a tri-colored turret (beat) propeller (beat).
CAPT. WEDGE
This thing is really stuck up there Beauregard.
JET
The camera man falls with the plane. The camera POV crashes into the brown dirt. The plane never touches down. It keeps going as the 23 year old captain flies on alone. They dropped a dirty bomb.
CAPT. WEDGE
Don’t use your fingers! It’s dirty.
SERMON BY COPILOT
(sits on the plane)
And we sit on our posteriors of preposterous proportions. And we admit quite pompously yet purposely. To save this world from the monstrous invasion force led by our secret pilot, whose name is secret until later.
JET PLANE (OS)
The plane plunges into the wedge like a rubber band. The plane is hedging wedge ward until completely absorbed by the moon.
(MUSIC DOWN)
The octane beauty of the sky remains unbroken.
FADE IN:
P.O.V. BLACK MOVIE SCREEN
COOL VIOLIN SUSPENSE MUSIC PLAYS FOR THIRTY SECONDS OVER TITLES
INSERT TITLE CARD: THE WATERMELON
FADE IN:
EXT. GARDEN PARK WITH REALLY BIG FOUNTAINS OF WATER – 7:03 A.M.
A MAN IN HIS 50’s, ROBERT DANIELS III, 52, could be 35, depends on makeup. Cast JIM CARREY for this part.
PAN DOWN AND ZOOM INTO ROBERT’S HAND…
WHERE WE SEE a KIMBER (a gun manufacturer that makes really good pistols) FULL FRAME MATCH GRADE .45 specifically made for target shooting.
JIM CARREY
I was holding my Kimber full frame match grade forty five specifically made for target shooting.
WIDE OVERHEAD SHOT
ROBERT DANIELS III with the KIMBER MATCH GRADE .45 stands in the GARDEN PARK WITH REALLY BIG FOUNTAINS OF WATER. He points the KIMBER MATCH GRADE .45 at a…
SMASH CUT:
To a CLOSE UP OF A…
…WATERMELON on the OTHER SIDE of the GARDEN PARK WITH REALLY BIG FOUNTAINS OF WATER. This watermelon is from TANAKA WATERMELON FARMS and was delivered by BOB, who lives in IRVINE, CALIFORNIA.
OUR WATERMELON sits on a 3-LEGGED PHILLIPINE MAHOGANY STOOL carved by an 11-YEAR-OLD PHILLIPINE CHILD tied to GIANT PHILLIPINE CREOSOTE POLE so it won’t get away (the child, not the pole).
BAM!
SFX TRACKING A BULLET as it ZOOMS across the GARDEN PARK WITH REALLY BIG FOUNTAINS OF WATER and…
DISSOLVE TO:
THE WATERMELON, HOLD FOR 5 SECONDS.
ECU ROBERT DANIELS III’s GREEN EYES, because he missed so now the audience knows he’s a loser.
THE TEACHER
FLARE UP ON:
STICKER THAT READS: “HI, I’M ______” with “YOUR TEACHER” scribbled in the blank.
DISSOLVE TO:
A BLANK CHALKBOARD
SLOWLY DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LONG SHOT – SCHOOL – DAY
TRACKING SHOT – PRINCIPLE AND TEACHER WALKING IN SCHOOL
INSERT LEGEND – “THE TEACHER”
CAMERA STOPS AT PRINCIPAL
Teacher’s nice. Principal’s typical.
PRINCIPLE
These are the dumbest, most dangerous students. I don’t like them or you. I’m retiring now.
CAMERA PULLS BACK AND STOPS AT:
CU – TEACHER’S FACE
TEACHER
I didn’t choose Walker High, it chose me. This is NOT about money. I’m here TO TEACH.
SLOWLY DISSOLVE TO:
INT. SCHOOL – DAY
FIND TWO STUDENTS
THEIR POV – TRACKING SHOT – TEACHER WALKING IN SCHOOL
STUDENT #1 (OS)
We hefta kill her.
STUDENT #2 (OS)
Yep.
INT. CLASSROOM – ESTABLISHING SHOT – DAY
PAN ALL AROUND TO FIND STUDENT #3 IN CLASSROOM
STUDENT #3
You don’t belong here, teacha.
CAMERA VIEW SWITCHES TO TEACHER
TEACHER
Yes, I do. You MEAN something. I’m here to teach THAT!
CAMERA VIEW SWITCHES TO STUDENT #4
STUDENT #4
(crying)
Nobody’s cared before.
CUE MUSIC: “WE ARE FAMILY”
EXT. MEDIUM SHOT – HALLWAY – LATER
ECU – REPORT CARDS ON HALLWAY WALL
ZOOM OUT TO REVEAL TEACHER LOOKING AT REPORT CARDS
Teacher
YES!
Suddenly, GUNSHOTS.
TRACKING SHOT – STUDENT #5 RUNNING DOWN HALLWAY
STUDENT #5
JANITOR’S DEAD!
WEEKEND AT THIRD DEGREE BURNIE’S
by # (the writer formerly known as Joe Whyte)
white frame
then
in reverse, the film un-burns and un-melts to reveal:
GUS and STAN, in that order, standing over a hole they’ve just finished filling in with sand. They are on a beach. (GPS coordinates: 118W degrees Longitude by 57.5 degrees N Latitude.)
STAN
(to cameraman)
Hey! Watch it! Can’t you see we just buried a body? A burned body? A body that burned up in a fire because of our crazy antics that caused his house to catch on fire and burn?
CAMERAMAN
(o.s.)
Sorry.
SUDDENLY, the film reverses in high-speed (black and white until I say so) all the way back to the beginning of the story which takes place on a subway train in Manhattan in 1965.
VOICE OVER (James Earl Jones as a young man)
It all started so suddenly.
FLASH FORWARD (turn off projector and hand out 3-D glasses and Braille postcards of Marilyn Monroe to audience)
THE FIRE
GUS and stan clowning around with a Coleman lantern in Bernie’s living room – INT. – NIGHT.
GUS
Be careful! You might start a fire!
ORGAN STING (actors do “take” to camera)
SLAM CUT TO:
INT. CourtROOM – DAY
JAMES EARL JONES (as a young man)
…and that’s the way it happened your honor, as God is my witness.
FADE TO BLACK, slowly, over 17 minutes of the sound of a skipping 45 record of “Stand by your Man”.
THE END?
This is a great contest, Blake! Freekin’ Hysterical!!!
I don’t need 250 words for this, just two.
The #1 Thing Not To Do When Writing a Screenplay that will cause the script to be flung across the room at first glance:
ISHTAR II
Captain Perry:
I crammed two separate subjects into my previous comment — 1) the screenplay you’re having edited now that you constructed to Blake Snyder’s beat sheet (I really do want to read that!)
and 2) reasons this exercise are not only beneficial to learning the trade, but also may just come in handy to impress someone who will pay you to write for the screen.
1) YES! I would like to read a screenplay that has been deliberately constructed to Blake’s beat sheet because I’ve been hanging out on triggerstreet.com where nobody seems to know how to construct a screenplay nevermind an actual story to tell in a screenplay. To get my ADVANCED rating at triggerstreet, I’ve had to read screenplays to the end that I would have tossed well before this exercise’s 250 initial words. A lot of them have real promise, some were actually FUN, some were really good!, but if I were reading for a producer, there isn’t one that I’d have bothered to finish reading or fill out a coverage sheet for.
See my blog post that goes up Tues. June 16, 2009 at http://www.aliendjinnromances.blogspot.com (a co-blog where I post on Tuesdays).
This time, I’m discussing MR. AND MRS. SMITH (2005 version) and why it succeeds so brilliantly. I don’t reference Blake’s beat sheet — it hits the beats and stays in genre which I think is BUDDY LOVE/ EPIC LOVE — but that isn’t why it succeeds the way it does. The structure only gives it the potential for success.
So, I have this big problem – I’m drowning myself in student misfires and I’m tickled pink by the potent blockbusters Blake has analyzed. I need to read something in-between or I may develop nothing but scorn for these struggling students, which isn’t healthy for them and isn’t healthy for me.
2)So it seems you have a good grasp of why we’re doing this exercise — other than that it’s fun with potential profit. Since we are purveyors of fun, we have to have fun in order to have something to sell.
DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION: THE MOVIE
INT. DOJO – CHINA – MORNING – OUTISDE – DAY
CAMERA –DARK BECAUSE OF DARK ROOM
CLOSE ON – OLD FACE
The face is of MASTER PO, the master of the dojo. He sits on his mat, donning his robe and long, grey beard.
PO
Ready revolutionists?
(pause, playing with his beard)
Dace! Dace!
Neon colors flash across the screen. Two DARK FIGURES move their meet quickly up down and around on the DACE DANCE REVOLUTION PAD as their watching the instructions on the video screen.
Sweat explodes off their faces. The actors faces convey effort, struggle and excitement!
MUSIC BLASTING.
PO
Daaaannnnccceeeee! Daaaaannnccceeeee!
They’re dancing PO! Oh, they’re dancing alright!
Suddenly, one of the DARK FIGURES screams with fatigue and falls off of the dance pad. It’s KELVIN CHIANG, about 22.
The game stops. The lights turn on.
TWO BURLY MEN walk over to Kelvin, about 22, grab him and stand him up. He’s exhausted and out of breath.
Master Po stands up and walks over to him. He puts his face in Kelvins.
MASTER PO
You’re Johnny Chiang’s boy aren’t you?
Kelvin nods.
MASTER PO
You disgrace your family name. Get out of my sight.
OUTSIDE OF THE DOJO
Kelvin is thrown onto the ground by the Burly Men.
A friend of Kelvin’s, CHET, rushes over to help him up.
CHET
Kelvin!
KELVIN
I’m going to spend this entire journey perfecting my dance, dance revolution skills and come back to this dojo and restore my family name.
Teeth of Fury
Int. Dental Office – Day
Smash Cut – Inflamed Mouth (very important to Smash Cut before seeing anything else).
MOLLY, a pretty petite, not pretty and petite, but just rather small, dressed in a stylish dental smoch, stares intensely at the inflamed mouth that we now see is on a person. JIMMY BOY, a once handsome hulk of a man, that now is define by his gingivitis and severe halitosis more than his once handsome hulking matniee idolish good looks.
JIMMY
(Muffled because he has one of those sucky things in his mouth)
Ouch!!!
MOLLY
(Also a bit MUFFLED becauses she’s mumbling)
Be brave Jimmy, be brave. I’ll have this Halitosis removed before
you can say ouch again.
JIMMY
(Muffled again because see the previous parenthetical)
I thought this was supposed to be one of those painless procedures
for people who don’t like dental procedures so that they sleep through the whole thing and then wake up and then all of their dental procedures have been taken care of with out any pain, at least that they know of because they were asleep?
MOLLY
(Wispily) (note: we may have to get Kate Hudson’s
permission to use this wispy look because it has to exactly like Kate Hudson would do it)
Jimmy, God help me for being the one to tell you, but you’re halitosis is malignant.
Over credits we see Jimmy’s face – a look of SHOCK
Note to Captain Perry. I’m sure you realize that readers are just that. They have a different agenda than you and I. They get paid to read and put a lot of marks on your script. Your coverage was just one persons biased opinion.
TWITTER ME NOT
INT. HIGH SCHOOL – NIGHT – HALLWAY – NIGHT
A well-endowed, PETRIFIED GIRL runs down a hallway carrying her I-PHONE.
She burst THROUGH two doors as the camera zips in front of HER to see her petrified face.
She stops against a wall, out of breath. She looks down at her i-Phone. Her TWITTER PAGE is open. The most recent post reads ‘SARAH JENKINS – GYMNASIUM’.
She screams and drops the i-Phone. It breaks on the ground.
INT. GYMNASIUM – LATER ON
Sarah is crying now, backing into the center of the Gymnasium.
SARAH
(desperationly)
Who are you? What do you want?
As she’s walking backwards, she bumps into a tall, dark FIGURE. Her tears fall harder as she slowly turns around.
SARAH
(scared-like)
No!
INT. HIGH SCHOOL – CAFETERIA
JOHNNY, BILLY and MEGAN are all sitting at a table as Johnny finishes the spooky story.
JOHNNY
And they found her body in the center of the basketball court – guts spilled everywhere.
BILLY
The killer twitter-ed her?
MEGAN
(correctingly)
Ugh, it’s Tweeted.
BILLY
Whatever.
JOHNNY
The murder site posted on her wall.
MEGAN
…I have twitter.
JOHNNY
Check your wall. Maybe yore next.
BILLY
They can track things like that. They mustve found the guy who did it.
JOHNNY
What makes you think it’s a guy?
MEGAN
Because girls don’t like guts or misusing twitter.
BILLY
But you love those silly hospital shows Hollywood spits out.
MEGAN
Don’t talk about Grey’s like that!
JOHNNY
Whatever. Just be careful, or you’ll be dead tweet.
Don’t Go There!
(2nd draft)
Fade In. The camera opens on Woods. Something’s in it. We reallize this because Scary Footprints have littered the woods. There are Branches that were crumpled. In addition to this, there are drops of Blood splashed everywhere. The sound of Dead Souls moan as the camera settled on a Sinister Tree. At this tree, several people disappeared without so much as a trace. That was ten years ago on This Day. The tree lifts it’s branches out to the camera as if its attempting to grab people.
Scene Two. Teens driving in a fast car are about three feet from the wood’s entrence. While they were speaking about old times at school they didn’t see a Deer. We see the kids hit the deer. The deer is killed, and the kids fall out of the car. There are two guys and two girls (names are Kal, Mikey, Kallie, Mykie). We see this conversation as it happens in Split Screen:
Kal
Mikey, my friend, are you okay?
Mikey
Kal, that my dad’s car. You been my friend four years and know my dad will kill me due to this.
Kal
Sorry, Mikey.
Mikey
Didja here that?
Kal
Yes. It’s that monster. Let’s stop it before it eats Kallie and Mykie.
Screen returns to normal. Fog has covered the whole area as if to swallow it. They start to run towards the Evil Tree to kill it.
It seemed to me that in order to get the full effect of something like this that the script should be formatted. Therefore, here is a link to the PDF file which is viewable via a Flash “window”. Don’t worry, it’s safe to click on and view.
http://www2.embedit.in/fXARBNBnq4
@Christina P… lmao at “Scene Two.” Wish I would have thought of that. hahahaha.
Touch
Zoom OUT, then in
On;
DJ Record Playa (as EVERYONE knows him by) as he RUBS cds and makes those “woidja-woidja” sounds.
Zoom in AND out on him, crazy-like so it will be like we’re feeling the wild beats he’s playin’ and possibly alter the viewer’s perception of things.
Then we QUICKLY move outside (because the scene does not take place here, it only sets the MOOD) to the
STREET, and then the ally bedhind IT.
Seriously WETTED down to give it that sheen. Only the BEST movies do this.
PERRIS FOURSEASONS, in her slutty 20’s, walks in high heels so high… And her overall look is EXAGGERATED.
She SECRETLY meets a PAPARRAZI.
PERRIS:
U got it?
He holds a trembling picture in his hand: Perris ON HER KNEES… in a church phew. She’s a secret PRAYER. And that, my friends, canNOT get out!
HIM: U first.
She ROLLS her eyes around and with her bulbous lips says “psht!” She TOUCHES his chubby forearm. He shivers all over like he’s doing that wiggly breakdance from the 80’s. That one touch will last him a lifetime.
She takes the picture from him. He knows one day she could want him. Under his shirt and his fat he knew he had ABS under there, somewhere, that could come out one day and GRAB HER LUSTFUL eyes like they can for women like that.
end of Page ONE.
“HE’S DA MAN” (5th Draft)
Fade up the movie in a playful way.
Cue Music: Debbie Gibson’s Shake Your Love.
INT – YOUR NORMAL, TYPICAL BEDROOM LIKE AT HOME – NIGHT
The SUN POPS UP with a cartoon BLOOP sound! (It’s now INT – SAME BEDROOM – DAY) in two or three seconds so quickly that the pull down shade pops up on its own and flips around: WAP WAP WAP!
Get in really close on an alarm clock where we can see the ticking clock hands turning. CHUNG! CHUNG! CHUNG! The second hand: closer and closer to 8:00 am. CHUNG! CHUNG!
THEN: THE ALARM SOUNDS. THEN: This is when we see the camera flip over to the side and we get the first glimpse of WOODIE JOHNSTON, 73 years old. He slowwwwllly sets up and reaches out for the alarm clock and plops it on its alarm clock head and finally, the alarm is silent – but the music keeps playing.
TITLE FLASH: Put on your 3D Glasses now!!!
WOODIE JOHNSTON raises his leg and passes gas for 20 seconds.
CUE: LAUGH TRACK
DOLLY AROUND to the CLOCK. THE CLOCK now has an animated face.
THE CLOCK
(In a slightly sarcastic, rural manor)
You better be gettin’ yo’ self up old man!
It’s the last day of the rest of yo’ life!
WOODIE
You done hush!
WOODIE knocks the clock off the desk.
WOODIE
I ain’t got to be up for 45 minutes now.
THE CLOCK
Well, excuseEEE MEEEE!
“WOAH, MAN”
FADE UP
INT – NIGHT – THE WASH HOUSE
The lights flicker on and off as we pull back past old washing machines at just the right angle about an inch over them, so that we know they’re running.
An OLD LADY who looks like that old lady on the Beverly Hillbillies sits there on a bench wearing a Viking Helmet.
An OLD MAN who sorta looks like the cross between KOJAK and COLUMBO except he’s Spanish, stares out across the room. His jaw hangs open and he hits his tongue up and down on his upper and lower teeth.
MAN
(Concerned suddenly)
You know they say 2012 is gonna blow up stuff.
WOMAN
(Nodding up and down three times)
Yep.
The camera WOOSHES around about three inches from the man’s lips as he says:
MAN
That’s pretty weird.
WOMAN
Yep.
MAN
The washer spins round.
Just like the time we are born.
Then the dryer burns.
The old woman nods.
MAN (CONT)
That was a haiku.
The dryer in the back of the room CLUNKS to a stop and the buzzer sounds out across the room: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRR.
MAN (CONT)
That reminds me of the littleness of man
sittin’ here listening to that buzzer here now.
Sort of like the way an old cow chews the cud.
The two of them sit and stare at the dryer that just stopped.
The old woman starts singing: Stay by Frankie Valli remembering this is her favorite song.
“KABOOM!”
FADE UP
EXT. THE BIG NEWS STAND ON 3rd STREET – DAY
MAN
(With a twinkle in his eye and a rather
intense twang to his voice.)
I’m always lookin’ for new. To push
the envelope! You know what I mean?
It makes me feel good inside like when
I was 12 and ate that cookie.
We’ve just heard the voice of SHARKY McGILL, a 40 year old man who you would think would be wearing a business suit, but isn’t. But, he does have an opinion of everything and will usually share them with you and think that you’re crazy for listening to him because he knows he’s testing you.
WOMAN
(JUMPING UP AND DOWN)
I DO! I WIN! I WIN! I WIN!
MAN
You win what?
WOMAN
A trip to the glen of new hope! Everything
good comes from there! I WIN I WIN!
MAN
I like space mountain.
Smoke rises up into the air from the SUGAR FACTORY. The smoke smells like burning cinnamon toast crunch and bubbles begin to float through the air.
MAN
Aww, man. Them alien creatures are
acting up again like that time the Sugar
Factory blew up the last time.
(Quick like a tiger)
NO! DON’T TOUCH THEM!
A DOG stands off to the side of the newsstand and a bubble floats past. The dog doesn’t heed the warning. The bubble touches the dog’s nose. The dog promptly explodes sending chunks flying.
MAN
Do you see what I mean!
CHANGING A TIRE IN NOIR
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT – FOGGY
JIMMY ROONEY, a middle-aged guy, stands next to his AUTOMOBILE (whatever).
It’s 1930’s America and the night is foggy, moist and damp. Perfect film noir atmosphere perfected.
Rooney LIGHTS and cigarette. It hangs out of his mouth. He pops his jacket collar. Cool.
ROONEY (VOICE OVER)
It’s almost midnight and IT keeps getting colder. I inhale the smoke hoping I can get light-head enough to not care that I’m off to the side of the road waiting to get my tire fixed. Popped it backing over a guy I just whacked to make sure he was a corpse. Little did I know the knife he cut me with was still in his hand. My mistake.
A TOW TRUCK pulls up next to Rooney’s car. A MECHANIC hops out and walks toward Rooney.
MECHANIC (V.O.)
It’s 30 minutes after my shift is over but the boss said I’ve gotta help this putz with his problem before I go home. Normally I’d tell him to shove it but the economy is in the toilet and I need the overtime.
MECHANIC
What seems to be the problem, sir?
ROONEY
Tire. Don’t know how to replace one.
MECHANIC (V.O.)
Idiots like this make my job tougher than it needs to be.
MECHANIC (NOT V.O.)
It’s tough. I’ll go back to the shop and see what I’ve got.
ROONEY
Thanks.
The Mechanic hops back in his truck drives away.
ROONEY (V.O.)
Long night just got longer.
THE PERFECT FAMILY
INT. QUAINT HOME – DINING ROOM – NIGHT
It’s dinner time at the FLINT home and MR. and MRS. FLINT are enjoying dinner with their son ANDREW and daughter ANDREA. The ambiance is breathtaking and the dinner radiates all the delicacies of American cuisine. Each dish is exactly a foot from the outside of the table, all centered as perfectly as Mrs. Flint had planned it. Her measurements are so precise that every utensil next to each plate is an inch and ½ from the utensil next to it. The SALAD FORK was chilled an extra 5 minutes to Mr. Flint’s desire. Prior to a previous dinner, Mrs. Flint only chilled the salad fork for and extra 2 minutes. Mr. Flint noticed and wouldn’t speak to her for a month. It’s still a sensitive subject. Everything is in place.
Andrew reaches for a piece of the MEATLOAF to place on his plate. Accidentally, he drops the end of the LARGE FORK into the meatloaf, making the handle sloppy from the meatloaf sauce.
ANDREW
I’m…I’m sorry.
MR. FLINT
Why did you do that?
ANDREA
Father, it was a mistake.
Mr. Flint shoots up from his chair.
MR. FLINT
The heck were you thinking, Andrew!
ANDREW
It slipped.
MRS. FLINT
You know better than that, Andrew.
MR. FLINT
Now we can’t touch the fork! Go to your room!
ANDREW
For how long?
MR. FLINT
Two years.
ANDREW
Again?
MR. FLINT
I’d hope you’ll have learned some manners by then young man!
ZOMBIE AND MARIE
EXT. GRAVEYARD – NIGHT
ANGLE ON:
MARIE, 18, is sitting in the graveyard reading a Nicholas Sparks book. She’s leaning up against a gravestone when suddenly an ARM rips out from under the earth and grabs hold of Marie’s dress. She jumps up and SCREAMS.
Marie tries to run away but struggles as the hand grips tighter on her dress. Finally, she breaks free when the arm detaches itself from the body.
She begins to run away but stops when she hears someone crying. She stops and turns to find a ZOMBIE sitting up against the gravestone, holding his stump and crying.
She decides to console the crying Zombie.
MARIE
(cautious because it’s a Zombie)
Are you alright?
ZOMBIE
My…my arm.
Marie looks down at the arm still attached to her dress. She reaches down and pulls the arm off and hands it to the Zombie.
MARIE
Here. All better?
ZOMBIE
(with teary eyes)
I love you.
Marie’s eyes begin to water as well.
INT. MARIE’S HOUSE –KITCHEN – LATER
Marie is arguing with her MOTHER and FATHER while the Zombie sits at the kitchen table.
MARIE
I love him!
FATHER
But honey, he’s a Zombie for Christ’s sake!
MOTHER
Don’t throw your future away for some summer fling.
FATHER
Does he have a career plan? Or is he just going to roam the earth eating human brains?
MARIE
You always do this! You don’t even care about what I want! I don’t care if he’s different!
THE AFTERMATH OF LIES
Animated film for kids and their parents very much in the Pixar style, which is to say everything looks really wondrous, jokes sail over kids’ heads, and it’s made with the use of at least one computer.
INT. PSYCHOLOGIST’S OFFICE – DAY
CLOCK, a psychologist, is counseling CIGAR. Bored, CLOCK checks her hands.
CIGAR
I’m sorry. Am I boring you with my painful story?
CLOCK
Didn’t we go over this last week? Did you read the book I gave you?
CIGAR
Yes, it was by Freud. I remember. In reading it I learned that despite my phallic presentation, sometimes I am just a cigar.
This joke will not register with younger viewers, especially those unfamiliar with Freud and his famous quote and what a phallus is.
CLOCK
I had hoped it would fire you up.
CIGAR
Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you? That way I’d burn to ash and you wouldn’t have to see me again.
CLOCK SIGHS in a sexy way that suggests CIGAR is right. Voiced by Annabella Sciorra and bearing her likeness, CLOCK is strangely alluring, but only for adults.
COCAINE walks in, leaving SPOON and FLAME in the waiting room.
COCAINE
Am I early?
CIGAR
Don’t worry, I was just leaving.
CIGAR bobs out coldly. COCAINE sits down.
COUCH comes to life, annoyed.
COUCH
Why do I always have to cushion the blow?
Again, a pun missed by all but the most drug-addled of children.
CLOCK
Relax, Cocaine. He’s just needling you…
INTERIOR… OF A HEART
EXTERIOR OF A CAR, night, in a dark park parking lot
WE SEE 2 PEOPLE in the interior of the car, together in the front seat, WRITHING (still clothed!). Hugging and kissing probably. WINDOWS ARE STEAMY (if you know what I mean!!!)
NOW WE’RE INSIDE THE CAR WITH THEM (in the back seat, where there’s room). We will call them CARL and LUCY (because they are).
CARL
(interrupting an impassionated kiss)
You feel so sweet. You taste so cozy. You smell so tasty.
LUCY
(continuing the interruption of said kiss)
That doesn’t make sense.
CARL
Oh! Silly me!
He slaps his forehead, but accidentally slaps hers instead.
LUCY
WTF?!
CARL
Sorry, I meant to slap my own forehead in mock amazement at my silliness. Let me explain: I was so undulated and asphyxiated by the feelings I am feeling under the surface and elsewhere that I mixed up my words! Crazy, huh?!
LUCY
(smiling a big, big smile)
Crazy like lox! Ha! Guess I’m getting profused too!
And the previously interrupted kiss continues, or you could say that this is a brand new kiss, which I would, because he is using different technique for this one (I’ll leave it to the actors to choose from the index of different kisses I’ve detailed at the back of this script, pages 131-159 – with diagrams, natch!)
!!
Let me try this one last time.
SLUMDOG HUNDREDAIRE
(JAMAL AND LATIKA, AFTER WINNING WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE MOVE TO NEW YORK CITY WITH THEIR WINNINGS. SINCE THEN, JAMAL HAS LOST IT ALL AND NOW MUST START OVER)
FADE IN:
MUSIC UP: SOME BOLLYWOOD SONG PLAYS, PROBABLY BY A. R. RAHMAN
INT. NY FLAT – DAY (2 YEARS LATER)
LATIKA THROWS clothes & pictures and stuff into a suitcase.
JAMAL PLEADS with her from a side as the NY TIMES sits next to her.
ANGLE ON NY TIMES:
(HEADLINE ON NY TIMES REGARDING MADOFF SCANDAL).
JAMAL
Latika, it’s not my fault. I didn’t know Bernard Madoff was a crrok. He took many peoples money…even movie stars.
LATIKA
(rolls eyes and sighs)
You are hardly a movie star, Jamal. Your brother died so we could be together and you threww it all away. YOU said it was our destiny!
JAMAL
(tears in eyes)
It is. I love you Latika.
Latika snaps her suitcase shut, yanks it off the bed and opens the door. Jamal grabs the suitcase and tries to keep her inside the flat but it’s to late.
LATIKA
I love you to, but let me go! I can’t do this anymore.
(turns, beat, pause)
Where are my shoes?
JAMAL
What?
LATIKA
I said WHERE ARE MY SHOES?!?!?! I’m LEAVING YOU!!!! Oh forget it.
Latika SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT WITH a FIERCENESS Jamal has never seen before in his life. He cries.
OFF JAMAL WE
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. AIRPLANE (FLASHBACK) – NIGHT (2 YEARS AGO)
I’m lovin’ it!
“PORKBARREL The Musical”
EXT. THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE.
PIGS OINK and trot out across the maze leading into a big metal looking building. As the pigs walk, they begin to tap out a little beat: Pa – Pa –Squish, Pa – Pa – Squish.
The smoke stacks begin to puff up smoke in a funky base beat.
Then, we hear one little pig proudly:
PINK PIG
(Singing Proudly)
I am a pig. A life beyond compare,
It’s the happiest of times, I totally swear!
But it’s all been for naught, I say…
Because I’m going to be bacon, today!
Then all the pigs kick in as a chorus….
CHORUS PIGS
Thick cut to lean,
The grinding machine,
We’re going to be bacon, today!
INT. THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE.
DOLLY: the stainless steel whirls and the air jets wiz to create a kind of German melody – much like the music you’d hear waiting to get on the Matterhorn bobsleds. And Surprise – just as the pigs faces enter the light of the inside, they all gasp in Awe! A Matterhorn like bobsled pulls up.
The pigs jig up to the end of the line, each passing a “You have to be this thick to ride this ride.” One pig is too thin. The man dressed in white smiles and in a 1950’s manor, thumbs the pig off to the side.
THIN PIG
Aww, man!
Man in While
Maybe next month if you eat your vitamins!
The pigs “WWWeeeee” as they ride the bobsled towards the blades!
NUCLEUS ACCUMBENS
A Indie Comedy By
S. Clark
Sixth Draft
August 11, 2006
ii.
Nucleus Accumbens – You should Google it.
1.
OVER BLACK:
SUPER quiet and dark. NOTHING sounds like it should and the colors are wrong (NOTE: MAYBE CEPIA).
FADE IN:
INT. DESTINY’S BRAIN – TUESDAY
WE ARE IN DESTINY’S BRAIN as if passengers on a spaceship. ZOOMING around, synapses fire and misfire all around. Like tiny explosions. WOOSHING at frantic velocity through this CG Brain, WE pop out from Destiny’s skull through her eye…
Like she just gave birth to us.
“DEAD” by MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE begins.
Destiny, motionless in a pool of blood next to the bathtub. There’s a lot of blood, but it’s deceiving, she’s not dead. Yet. Her Dad’s a COP, but we’ll meet him later.
ANGLE ON her cell phone sitting in her seeping DNA. A TEXT on it says, “I think we shld c other peeps.”
THE CAMERA PANS UP AND OVER to REVEAL a RAZOR BLADE in the hand that wasn’t holding the phone.
Destiny is 15, maybe 18. WE SEE her clearly now. You’d think she’d be crying, but she’s not. She’s not a crier. The running bathwater is a metaphor for her emotional state.
DESTINY (V.O.)
It was the worst day of my life. I didn’t want to live anymore if I couldn’t be with him.
DESTINY (CONT’D)
(somnolently)
Take me God. I want to die.
THE BATHROOM DOOR CRASHES IN with FRANTIC FORCE as WE
SMASH CUT TO BLACK.
BEGIN CREDITS.
INT . BOARDROOM . DAY
BIG-DADDY BUCKS
(Soulful)
I got the interest of the stock holders
to think of, the day to day of this
milti-billion dollar company and the
world is going to crap – and all I can
think of is your golden, blonde hair,
Miss Jurkins. I just want to grab it,
grab you and thank god I’m a man.
MISS JURKINS
Sounds like someone’s gonna need
a rubber, Mr Bucks, sweet talking
a woman like that. Because, you
are clearly every woman’s dream. At
least mine! My loins just
wanta jump outta my body and just
latch on to everything you are!
BIG-DADDY BUCKS
So you will then leave your husband
of 12 years who made you cry and come
with me and change the world!
MISS JURKINS
Oh, I thought you would never ask!
Touch me the way you did on Naboo.
BIG-DADDY BUCKS
What?
MISS JURKINS
Oh, I love the Star Wars.
Don’t you? Oh, it would be
such a pickle!
BIG-DADDY BUCKS
Just call me chewing tobacco.
SUDDENLY: A hellishly loud HANDGUN SHOT rings FROM the rear surround speaker.
FLASH CUT TO: bald man, 40’s, a blue mechanics jump suit with grease stains and tears coming down his eyes.
BLUE MECHANIC
I just stood here and heard
it all!
Kill me and take my wife!
You think you’re some big
shot, rich, powerful tycoon?
BIG-DADDY BUCKS
Why, yes, I do.
BLUE MECHANIC
Not with a 4-10 shell lodged
in that skull of yours!
IN A BLANK ROOM
INT. ALL WHITE ROOM – NOT SURE
ALBERT SIMMONS, older, stands in the corner of an all white room. There are no doors, no windows and no signs of life anywhere.
The room is as white as non-rain clouds or the inside of coconuts. It seems as if the white goes on forever. It wouldn’t matter which direction he walked in because he’d just find more nothing. The white engulfs him. Albert is marinating in white.
ANGLE ON: Albert’s eyes wandering, visually searching through the nothingness for something to focus on.
ALBERT
(as if surrounded by all white)
Where am I?
Albert scratches his arm to relieve himself of a sudden itch. The itch is gone. Out of his mind. Now back to thinking about an escape from this oasis of emptiness.
ALBERT
(as if he’d just asked himself the same question a second ago, but still hasn’t discovered and answer)
Where…am I?
Is he blind and deaf? Is there a world around him that he cannot see?
ALBERT
(answering his internal voice)
It can’t be. I can see my hands and my legs.
Albert continues to walk through the vacant frontier. What awaits Albert? From the looks of things – nothing.
INT. ALL WHITE ROOM – NOT SURE – 15 MINUTES LATER
Still passing everything that surrounds him in the empty abyss.
Did he hear a noise?
ALBERT
(thinking aloud)
Did I hear a noise?
No, Albert did not hear a noise.
ALBERT
Must be in my head.
HAPPY MONKEY TREE RAINBOWS
FADE IN:
INT. MONKEY TREE HOUSE – DAY
Daylight streams into the hut. RUSSELL, hairy, tweaks RUSTY, also hairy. They are both monkeys.
RUSSELL
I feel so angry at you Rusty!
RUSTY
Why is that Russell?
RUSSELL
(so upset he can bust into tears at anymoment)
I’ll tell you why! You kissed my naked bottom last night after we had those bananas on the other tree with the squirrels!!
Rusty flicks Russell in the nose.
RUSSELL
OW! Why’d you doo that?
RUSTY
Well Russ, I just don’t like your hairy face!
Russell bites Rusty on the ankle.
RUSTY
Well that’s just immature!!
Just then a RAINBOW named BLINGO THE MAGIC HELPER RAINBOW OF GOOD WILL AND ANNOYING NAMES burst in.
BLINGO THE MAGIC HELPER RAINBOW OF GOOD WILL AND ANNOYING NAMES
(over the shoulder)
HELLLOOOOOOOO BOOOOOYYYYYYYSSSS!!!!!!
TOGETHER
RUSSELL/RUSTY
(annoyed)
What do you want Blingo?
BLINGO THE MAGIC HELPER RAINBOW OF GOOD WILL AND ANOYING NAMES
I told you my name is:BLINGO THE MAGIC HELPER RAINBOW OF GOOD WILL AND ANNOYING NAMES. You two should stop fighting at once!
Rusty wants to punch Blingo in the face but can’t because he doesn’t like to get cut by knives.
RUSSELL
We hate you Blingo!
BLINGO THE MAGIC HELPER RAINBOW OF GOOD WILL AND ANNOYING NAMES
Oh yeah?
Blingo EXPLODES! Killing everything in a 200 mile radius!
ZOOM OUT:
Everyone in the world is now sad.
I think my vote has to go to Glenn David Miller so far. He has not only been consistently horrible, but also prolifically so. I would be honored to throw any of his entries across the room.
THE DIRTY DEN
INT. WILD WEST – SALOON – BADASS SUNSET
We move into the PARKER’S SALOON as if we’re a customer ourselves. The BARTENDER slides us a SHOT and we take the alcohol and drink.
To our right a DROOPY MAN is sipping on a dark BEER with half of his beard shaved off. He sees us staring; we look away and put our hand over out face. Little does he know we’re peaking through our fingers.
A FANTASTICALLY BURLY MAN walks behind to the DROOPY MAN and spins him around.
BURLY MAN
Give me a reason why I shouldn’t head but you in the groin?
DROOPY MAN
(with convincing confidence)
It’s Tuesday.
BURLY MAN
How about another beer on the house?
BARTENDER
He’ll have to pay.
BURLY MAN
(to Droopy Man)
You’ll have to pay.
DROOPY MAN
(to Bartender)
I’ll have to pay?
BARTENDER
You’ll have to pay.
DROOPY MAN
Fine. Get me another one of these.
The Bartender gives them both a HIGH FIVE and leaves.
BURLY MAN
You got a gun?
DROOPY MAN
Who’s askin’?
BURLY MAN
Me.
DROOPY MAN
Yea, I’ve got a gun.
BURLY MAN
You ever kill anybody?
CLOSE UP: Droopy Man’s mouth.
DROOPY MAN
(Clint Eastwood tone)
Sometimes.
CLOSE ON: Burly Man’s left eye.
BURLY MAN
(squinting)
Forever?
DROOPY MAN
(squinting back)
Just once.
BURLY MAN
Your favorite TV show?
The Droopy Man takes a sip of his new beer.
DROOPY MAN
Ain’t been invented yet.
BURLY MAN
(smirking)
Just testin’.
LOVE ABOVE ROTTEN GLOVE
EXT. 1950’S GRASS – BAKERSVILLE – NORTH CAROLINA
CAMERA: FLOAT IN SOFTLY, PLEASE
HENRY and RACHAEL sit in the park at NIGHT on a blanket gazing into each others eyes. Henry takes a sip of MILK and throws the carton into the lake.
HENRY
(promiscuously telling)
Kiss me.
RACHAEL
(happily disgusted)
But you’re so ugly.
HENRY
I know.
ANGLE ON: BEHIND TODD LANE stomping toward the couple sitting.
TODD
I thought I told you not to sit on that part of the grass, Henry.
HENRY
(to Rachael authoritatively)
Wait here.
Henry stands up and pushes Rachael off of the blanket. He takes the blanket and wraps it around his waste.
HENRY
(to Rachael with conviction)
My erection may hinder my ferociousness. It’s hidden now.
TODD
Answer me, Henry!
Henry reaches into his POCKET and pulls out a KNIFE. He STABS Todd in the neck. Todd falls back, blood gushing everywhere. He’s trying to conceal his wound to stay alive longer. He falls into the lake and dies.
RACHAEL
Isn’t he the landscapers son? It looks like they’re growing new grass where we’re sitting.
HENRY
See that’s the difference between you and me, Rachael. You go by the looks of things and I’m amoral.
A WOMAN walks over with two POLICE OFFICERS pointing at Henry.
WOMAN
That’s him!
The Police Officers rush over to Henry and throw him on the ground to handcuff him.
HENRY
(to Rachael with sad eyes)
Don’t tell the pretty girls I can’t read.
HIGH SPIRITS
EXT. BRITAIN HOME – BACKYARD – DAY
SIMON, 44 year-old British man, is kneeling down doing some gardening.
SIMON (V. OVER)
Two cups of Earl Grey tea later and I’m outside enjoying what the French would call ‘a sunny day’ in their native tongue. I’ve applied the appropriate amount of sunscreen to my pale skin but feel the sun’s rays are penetrating the thick layer. No matter. Any minute wasted inside would be a disservice to myself, for to ignore and not embrace the fresh air would be foolish.
Simon looks up to see MARY FROST walk into her backyard.
SIMON (V. OVER)
How I used to love the taste of the berries Mary used to bring me. The juices were like the sweat of gods and all the flavors joined together reminiscent of the festivals we used to have on cool summer nights. Ah, Mary Frost. Your hair waves in the wind like the oceans in Spain. Your house festooned with artwork that rivals the Great Louve.
Mary goes back inside her home.
SIMON (V. OVER)
Shall I meet her? Certainly.
EXT. MARY’S HOUSE – LATER
Mary answers the door.
SIMON
(exuberant)
Mary!
SIMON (V. OVER CONT’D)
Beyond saying her name I am speechless. I shall say it for eternity and it wouldn’t capture the grandeur of her soul. Her eyes like sapphires laced with happiness.
Mary beckons Simon to enter.
SIMON (V. OVER CONT’D)
Mary, your generosity brings prosperity to even the poorest of men.
HELP!
Fade In…
1 – Upstairs with Gilby – Day.
GILBY, six and looking at the window, has realized that he can’t keep sitting in his room all day, sitting next to his pet goldfish RONALD. He knows he has to get outside at some point, but lately BULLIES have been seeming to want to kick him hardly.
Cut to…
2 – Bathroom with Gilby – Day.
Gilby walks to his bathroom to brush his teeth before his GRANMOTHER will come to collect him for a trip to the zoo that the both of them like attending on Saturdays, usually before she goes to church to drop off cookies, the very same cookies that Gilby had often wished she’d give to him instead of at her church, but she doesn’t realize Gilby loves those cookies, and this has caused them to become very estranged, and they haven’t spoken to each other for two years before this trip, even though they go together every Saturday before she drops cookies to her church–yes, the very cookies that Gilby wants. All of a sudden, Gilby hears a noise. ALIENS have landed more than just here and there and have killed everyone.
Cut to…
3 – Downstairs with Gilby – Day.
Gilby walks downstairs. His sister SISSY gives him a nod of understanding.
Gilby says:
Big sister, Sissy, what happened?
Sissy says:
Aliens have killed every won and made us need to run. ALIENS, GILBY, ALIENS!
Cut to…
Uhm, David (120), uhm… thank you? :D
Seriously, it’s been fun. I only pray I write something for the “other pile” too!! :D
-G
BLACK SCREEN
Hold a beat.
TITLE APPEARS: SUPERTITLES – REVERSE
RETURN TO MARIANBAD 2.0
TITLE FADES:
FADE IN:
EXT. SPACE
Blackness. Stygian, unrelenting darkness. We ZOOM OUT slowly revealing the blackness as the night side of SPACE STATION. It turns slowly, majestically, like a whale moving through the ocean depths. Behind it a binary sun shines merrily, illuminating this little corner of the cosmos. In the black velvet of the universe beyond little pinpricks of light that are not so much stars as dreams glitter silently, softly.
Like a salmon returning to spawn a tiny sliver space shuttle heads towards the space station and docks with precision that is marvelous to behold.
CUT TO:
INT. SPACE STATION – LANDING BAY
The landing bay doors close with a metallic klang.
PUSH IN AND TILT UP TO THE SPACE SHUTTLE
With a sibilant hiss and a cloud of smoke, the shuttle doors open.
X2.0 (Brad Pitt) emerges from the craft. He is dressed in futuristic formal wear. Dark, sombre, brooding.
Music: “Lux Aeterna”
X2.0
I have returned, once again, to this station, this majestic, compelling, awesome structure, its bay with high vaulted ceilings, these corridors, long empty cold stretches of metal and plastic that open into airlocks opening into hubs that connect to corridors stretching into more rooms, more airlocks, cold, silent, sterile, removed from joy, happiness,warmth, humanity…
The door opens revealing A2.0 (Megan Fox)
They look at each other.
X2.0
Hello.
A2.0
Hello.
X2.0
You haven’t changed.
Copyright 2009 Alan Smithee
MAC”GIRL”VER
PINK SCREEN, FADE OUT to an explosion and CGI of a Dinosaur EATING a BUFF MAN. DISSOLVE, TRACK BACK to reveal a Woman SLEEPING (it was her dream).
SHE STIRS like she’s HAVING a BAD DREAM, then SHE LURCHES awake and POINTS HER MAGNUM off-screen. TRACK BACK and ZOOM-PAN to the Right to reveal a BUFF MAN (husband) holding a child.
BUFF HUSBAND
You just had a bad dream sweat pea or my name isn’t Jackson.
MACGIRLVER
(three beats)
It’s time.
JACKSON
(malevolently)
I hate being a stay at home dad though, I hate it so much don’t you see?!
MACGIRLVER
(uncompromising)
Girls gotta do what men can’t do.
SUPER IMPOSE: “MACGIRLVER”
The TITLE ERUPTS BLUE LAVA
TRACK BACK AND AROUND Jackson’s sweaty head as HE BLINKS in SLOW MOTION. HE is thinking about being SEXIST, but HE KNOWS his wife is SO BUFF though.
JACKSON
You are right, wife. You’re always right, like last night when I thought you couldn’t disarm that bomb, but you did disarm it anyway.
DISSOLVE to a FLASHBACK of MACGIRLVER giving birth!
MACGIRLVER isn’t even in pain, SHE is stoic.
MACGIRLVER
(stoic and phlegmatically)
(to BUFF HUSBAND JACKSON)
This isn’t even your child at all. This baby was because I was with another man, but I killed him.
RESOLVE to the PRESENT
(on JACKSON’S forehead glistening with sweat because of the DRAMA of the FLASHBACK)
JACKSON
(lovingly passionate)
I luv you!
MACGIRLVER
I am unaffected.
(leaps out window)
I sure you “other pile” will be filled with great stuff. I’m finding that to write bad you have to be good, or something like that.
I’m having fun reading all the great entries so far! I write novels and have never tried screenwriting before, so I have no idea what to do with camera direction, etc. I’m sure this will be bad without me even trying to make it bad. :) I’d love to attend Blake’s upcoming beats workshop so that I can work on enhancing the plot for my novel. So, here goes:
BLAKE SNYDER, SUPERHERO, SAVES HOLLYWOOD FROM ANOTHER SUCKY SCRIPT
FADE IN:
INT. BEVERLY HILLS COFFEE SHOP – DAY
Superhero BLAKE SNYDER flings open the door dressed in Superman-like costume, cape and hair blowing in the wind, smoke billowing around him. Some loud rock music plays in the background.
Two blonde college sorority girls are seated at a nearby table.
GIRL 1
Oh…my…gosh. Do you know who that is?
GIRL 2
Who, spandex dude? No.
GIRL 1
That’s Blake Snyder, duh. He’s like this screenwriter guy, or something. I heard about him in my film class and he’s, like, a Hollywood superhero. I think he knows Ashton Kutcher. I’m going to ask him if he’ll read my script.
GIRL 1 approaches SNYDER at coffee counter.
GIRL 1
Blake Snyder!?
Blake turns to her.
BLAKE
“Yes?”
GIRL 1
“I was wondering if you can read my script. It’s this totally epic love story about me and Ashton Kutcher. Of course, I’d be the female lead since it’s kind of a bio pic. It’s like Titanic meets Moulin Rouge meets Dukes of Hazard, only way better because I’m so much hotter than Jessica Simpson…and there’s no boat that sinks at the end. I always hated that part. Anyways, will you read it?
Blake’s cell phone rings.
BLAKE
“Sorry, I have to run—-screenwriting emergency at Disney. But, I hope to see you at my beats workshop. There’s no story I can’t save!”
BLAKE exits building. Rock music and smoke resume.
FADE OUT
CUBICLE’D
A True Original Screenplay
by Christina P.
WANNA BE A WINNER? THEN, YOU BETTA FADE IN ON:
A ROOMFUL OF MONKEYS!!!
HELLS RIGHT! Those suckers have opposable thumbs and are hill-larry-us. But, not a roomful of those nasty poop-tossing nutjobs or those uber-horny circus freaks. And, definitely not those Ebola-carrying suckbaggers. These are monkeys that ride tricycles, smoke Cuban cigars, pickpocket, toss Frisbees at your forehead, dress up as reindeer or Beethoven. Christina P. can hear you laughing all the way to your bank because people gobble up wacky monkey antics like they’re free bacon-n-egg breakfasts. And, while you’re loving them dollar signs…
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Man, those monkeys are gonna be funny. Funny, funny, FUN-NAY. Back to my work:
SOME DORKS type on COMPUTERS.
OTHER DORKS file random pointless DOCUMENTS.
MORE DORKS contruct PAPER PLANES that soar into…
GEOFF’S CUBICLE
…where they land in his sexy–I’mma stop lying–his huge jewfro. Geoff is the king of computation dorks and is 30. Anystinkingway, he doesn’t know a penis can do more than drain urine. That’s key, so I’ll repeat: Geoff + Had Vagina = No.
A JERK COWORKER lines his paper plane in ‘direct hit’ range of Geoff’s head. He lets that sucker rip and…
…it guns up Geoff’s left nostril.
Geoff
That didn’t hurt!
It did.
Ha!
Funny like a roomful of Mozart mon-kays!
CUT TO:
David (128), let’s pray you’re right!! :D
I’m also hoping your last name is Geffen or Fincher now that you’ve noticed me! :D LOL!
-Glen
Jeanette, Well done! Love it. Six degrees of Ashton Kutcher.
“No Weight, Jose”
INT – PINKBETTY YOGURT STORE – DAY
FANNY MOO MULLIGAN, who says she’s 39, but we know better, and her best friend, SPLITZ McQUEEN who may be 39 but looks like she’s been put out to pasture just in time, both stand on the consumer side of the PINKBETTY YOGURT counter fuming!
THE CAMERA SWEEPS OVER the counter and we see HI LEE POTURB, 18 and her new assistant manager, JOSE HICKS, 19, straight from southern Virginia and with about as much reason to be manager as I do.
FANNY
I know I could stand here
and ask why there is no
vanilla royal, low-fat yogurt
but what good would that do?
You don’t care that I’m a big,
important figure in this city.
JOSE
Oh, no ma’am, no, you don’t have
to tell us that. It’s pretty clear
from where I’m standing you hunk
of mama!
HI LEE chokes herself. Her eyes open wide from the shock of the moment.
HI LEE
OHH NO! You not able to talk
to fat lady like that. What
wrong with you?
FANNY
I want my yogurt now before I
JOSE
Before you what, fall over and die
of a massive, blood squirting coronary
right here in the store? Wait, I have
an idea! Why don’t you come over here
and just attach those pouty lips directly
to the machine? That’s like THE
most effective solution to get all that
goodness to your butt cheeks faster!
Hi LEE
No way, Jose!
“What?”
EXT . SARA SMITH’S BLUE HOUSE – NIGHT
WE TECHOCRANE in past the OAK TREES up to the window then DOLLY IN closer to the window.
INT . A BEDROOM WITH A LIGHT THRU THE WINDWO – NIGHT
CUT TO: SARA SMITH, A housewife of 34 years with plenty of hidden bruzes to prove it, sleeps in her bed of 28 years next to her husband BILL, who is 40 and snores. SARA jolts up from her sleep!
SARA
(Jolting up, pusillanimous)
OH NO! IT WAS ALL A DREAM!
BILL
(Speaking low but loud)
What, my wife?
SARA
It was all…
(beat)
a dream!
BILL
(Concerned)
What do you mean, Sara?
SARA
Well, Bill, do you remember the day your
mom introduced us to one another at
that dance we were having at the
70’s café back in the little town
where we grew up, Small Falls?
We see the two approach from across a crowed room as a spot light comes on and gives each an angel glow.
BILL
Well, I seem to recall something of
that time. But why is that important?
SARA
Because it is where I met you.
(craven but anxious)
But, now I fear it was all a dream.
BILL
(More thoughtful than usual)
But, here I am. Prick me do I not
bleed?
SARA
What? Are you bleeding?
BILL
No, but I could because I
am real! Why do you hate me?
SARA
There! Just like a man
thinking you know what I feel!
DOUBLE-DOWN AND DIE
FADE IN:
FOCUS on a CHAMELEON’s EYE, scintillating in madness, with streaks of blood like lightning striking a horse.
PULL BACK to reveal a FEMALE ZOMBIE watching the chameleon. She wears a striped shirt bought at a popular discount store. Her hair is fashionably shaggy and highlighted.
Suddenly, she darts forward, her hand grabbing the chameleon around its portly abdomen.
FEMALE ZOMBIE
Arrgh!
She puts the chameleon in her mouth and bites its head off. BLOOD SPURTS all over the camera lens.
The Zombie chews her meal ravenously.
But then DAN CLUM, steps out of a row of bushes nearby. He is a dapper man, too cool for words. He pulls out a pistol and SHOOTS the Zombie in the head. Her brains SPLATTER.
Dan smiles and puts the pistol back.
DAN
Never cheat the dealer, bitch.
Unseen in the background, a UFO lands in the distance.
A METAPHOR FOR CIVIL WAR
INT. UNION DAYCARE – DAY
It’s naptime and all the CHILDREN are sleeping on the floor. Little DANIEL, 5, lifts his head up and taps his friend KENNETH, 6, on the stomach to wake him.
DANIEL
Hey, Kenneth.
KENNETH
What, Daniel?
DANIEL
(pointing across the room)
Look at them.
Kenneth looks over to the opposite side of the room where the TEACHER sits and is surrounded by a select few STUDENTS.
DANIEL
Sitting over there, far away from us.
KENNETH
Don’t even think about going over there. We’ve got our own designated section over here. Remember?
DANIEL
That’s my point.
Daniel begins waking up the other Students in their section.
EXT. LATER – PLAYGROUND – DAY
Daniel stands on top of the JUNGLE JIM looking down at a few DOSEN students.
DANIEL
(like a leader)
We’re told to play the same games as the north side of the room and eat the same snacks as the north side of the room. Why can’t we eat our own snacks? Play our own games? If Mrs. Lincoln is going to divide us, why not let us play the games we want?
The Students slowly begin to agree.
BILLY
That side of the room is babied because they’re so close to the government, er, teacher!
DANIEL
Mrs. Lincoln continuously decides to divide us, but still considers us part of the Union Daycare. What if we want to be our own daycare!
STUDENTS
Let’s succeed from the Union Daycare!
O, HOLY FIGHT
Tagline: He puts the ‘harm’ in ‘harmony’.
OUTSIDE IN THE STEEET
A WITCHDOCTOR is running through alleyways as the DOLLY CAM follows behind him. On a track, the CAMERA SLIDES in front of him as he stops. He’s breathing heavily and looking in all direction, frightened scared stiff.
WITCHDOCTOR
Show yourself!
A BIG DARK SHADOW appears on the wall. The WITCHDOCTOR quickly turns around, we see the shadow approach.
INSIDE OF THE CHURCH AT NIGHT
SMASH! The WITCHDOCTOR SMASHES through the church doors. He trips in the aisle and falls to the ground. The SHADOW is right behind him.
WITCHDOCTOR
You’ll never win.
The SHADOW shows itself. We see it as FATHER JUSTICE, a priest with his priest suit on but his sleeves ripped off showing his muscles.
FATHER JUSTICE
You’ve tormented this city long enough.
WITCHDOCTOR
(reaching for his soul)
Give me your soul!
FATHER JUSTICE
Sorry, all soul-ed out.
FATHER JUSTICE kicks the WITCHDOCTOR in the face.
WITCHDOCTOR
What happened to forgiveness? Do on to others –
FATHER
– before they do onto someone else.
FATHER JUSITCE takes out a cigar and lights it. COSE ON – cigar – burning.
WITCHDOCTOR
Please, don’t.
FATHER JUSTICE takes out his MAGNUM and HOLY WATER. He pours the HOLY WATER on the WITCHDOCTOR.
WITCHDOCTOR
Wait, this is gasoline!
FATHER JUSTICE
In the name of the father…the son…and the holy…FEAR IT.
FATHER JUSTICE takes his cigar and throws it on the WITCHDOCTOR, who goes up in flames. FATHER JUSTICE watches.
A TOUGH DECISION
FADE IN:
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
A SERIES OF CAMERA ANGLES produced the gruesome grimace upon STEWART SCHISSESPRECHEN’S GAZE, 33, with only a face that a momma could love.
CAMERA is now CLOSE on a box of HONEY COMB cereal.
SMASH CUT TO: STEWART SCHISSESPRECHEN’S eyes darting left to right as..CAMERA PAN to a box of TRIX cereal.
(an awkward beat)
STEWART SCHISSESPRECHEN:
I give up! Why? Why! Why?
Thanks, Bradford! Glad you enjoyed it! :)
Christina P, LMMAO! (2nd M is mon-kay). FUN-NAY!
EMBROIDERED REALITY:
A Family Comedy
FADE IN:
INT. GRANDMA MILLIE’S SEWING ROOM- DAWN
It is with great pleasure, care, and patience that GRANDAMA MILLIE, 86, old and wrinkled, and with loving ARTHRITIC HANDS, embroiders a quilt for her grandchildren’s family room. This is a special quilt she’s embroidering because it’s a MAGIC QUILT made out of MAGIC FABRIC. For you see, Grandma Millie is a MAGICAL WITCH.
Her MORTAL HUSBAND, GRANDPA JOE, 89, really old and hunched over with age, SHUFFLES into the sewing room.
GRANDPA JOE
Millie it’s 3 A.M. Why aren’t you in bed?
GRANDMA MILLIE
Hush now Joe. Can’t you see I’m sewing up a beautiful quilt for our family? Just keep walking and take your Pee, if you can, my lovey.
GRANDPA JOE
One of these days woman you’re going to be the death of me!
Grandpa Joe leaves the room and shuffles slowly down the dark hall to the bathroom. He opens the door and TURNS ON THE LIGHT.
INT. BATHROOM- DAWN
Now that the light has been TURNED ON, Grandpa Joe walks over to the toilet and gets ready to PEE. The CAMERA HOVERS OVER Grandpa Joe’s SHOULDER, as it waits to HEAR the SOUND of PEE TRICKLING into the toilet bowl. Nothing.
MOMENTS LATER…
The camera SLOWLY PANS LEFT towards the MIRROR.
WE SEE a DEMON GHOST on the OTHER SIDE of the MIRROR, he’s FALLEN ASLEEP waiting for Grandpa Joe to pee.
OFF CAMERA WE HEAR the SOUND of Grandpa Joe peeing.
Loved Jeannette’s Blake Snyder atrocity! SPANDEX!!! whee!!!
Captain Perry — I contacted you by email. Looking forward to this one.
In all fairness to the triggerstreet.com crowd — I did just get to read another one that actually hits the beats right on and reviewed it with a straight excellent rating.
It’s not that my standards are too high — it’s that they’re Blake Snyder high. I just analyzed Disney’s 2002 flick SNOW DOGS for my aliendjinnromances.blogspot.com entry for Tues June 23rd, and decided it must be a FOOL TRIUMPHANT – fool out of water. The beats, A & B stories, setups, and payoffs are crystal clear to me in SNOW DOGS. If I got the category right, that means I’m learning something here.
Jacqueline Lichtenberg
http://twitter.com/JLichtenberg
Thanks, Jacqueline! Glad you got a kick out of it! ;)
LANGUID FADE IN:
EXT. MILES ABOVE TEMPLE CITY, CALIFORNIA – JUNE 21ST, 1997 – 7:28 PM
SUPER: MILES ABOVE TEMPLE CITY, CALIFORNIA
We open, ENGULFED by CUMULOUS CLOUDS, before SOARING toward EARTH and SMASHING through our TITLE:
THE DEVIL’S HARP OF DARKNESS
CUE: Brahms’ “Symphony No. 2 in D, Op. 73” as we CRANE through a DUSTY WINDOW streaked with SEAGULL DROPPINGS…
INT. DENNY’S DINER – TEMPLE CITY, CALIFORNIA – 7:29 PM – CONTINUOUS
…And FOLLOW, from GROUND-LEVEL, a CHUNKY WAITRESS named DELILAH, 43. She arrives at JOHN and JOAN’S booth with STEAMING COFFEE, where both sit QUIETLY.
JOHN
(desperately, with
desperation)
Hello, Joan. How are you?
JOAN
I’m fine, John. How are you?
We DOLLY into an EXTREME CLOSE-UP as John WHIPS toward the EVENING SUNSET – purplish gold caressing his PUPILS.
JOHN
Well…
(long, PREGNANT beat)
I may have discovered a way to
exterminate the toothless harpies
that keep invading my carrot patch.
JOAN
That’s excellent, John. I’M SO
EXCITED FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!
JOHN
But I can pretty much forget about
it, because it demands the help of
some hard-to-reach visitors–
JOAN
–Visitors. What visitors???
John COCKS an EYEBROW toward a TELEVISION SET dangling in the corner.
ON TELEVISION
News reporter, PAUL MOYER, reports the NEWS.
PAUL MOYER
Meanwhile, in other local news, a
flying saucer has crash landed onto
the Empire States Building…
CUE: Chopin’s “Waltz from ‘Maskarade’.
JOHN (V.O.)
I should’ve listened to mother when
she said, “Once you get harpies,
it’s for life”.
Wow. Started going through the entries and there are some prolific writers here. Look out Frances Marion.
HIDEOUS
START:
INT. TRUNK OF DODGE RANDALLS’ DODGE — DARK
An overweight, aging, African-American, bouncer, DODGE RANDALLS, the second-place finisher in the Dodge Randall East Oakland Celebrity All Star Bouncer Competition three years running, picks his nose and wipes it on the pants of the man snoring next to him, JACKSON JOHNSON JONES III, the winner of last night’s Dodge Randall East Oakland Celebrity All Star Bouncer Competition, and the winner the previous two years that the contest ran.
DODGE
(with trepidation and a shaky quivering voice like a scared little girl afraid of her shadow except that it is dark as Hell in the trunk of the Dodge)
Yo, man, you fart?
Jackson continues snoring ignoring him because he is passed out drunk from the seven forty ounce bottles of Schlitz Malt Liquor that he consumed before banging Dodge’s girlfriend as part of the bet he had with Dodge, and because she’s the only girl East of High Street that will have sex with him and not make him pay double because of his hideous breath.
Dodge maneuvers to try and get the lighter out of his pocket, but he can’t find his pants in the pitch black trunk so he feels around until he latches on to something and grabs it.
JACKSON
(almost a whisper, but not quite a whisper because a whisper would be too hard to hear in the trunk of a rusty beat up Dodge with the motor running)
Oh, ya, baby, do yo thing.
AN EVEN TOUGHER DECISION PT. 2
FADE IN:
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
It’s LUNCHTIME now, after WATCHING an exhausting marathon of THE FRESH PRINCE and CHEERS, STEWART is now faced with an even tougher decision than the one he faced before. He gets up the couch and walks back to the kitchen, hesistantly. Suddenly with Korn’s “MAKE ME BAD” accompanying the scene,
SMASH CUT TO: The WASHING MACHINE that he has overloaded with clothes is making a tremendous racket due to the imbalance of weight in it and is overflowing with water.
BACK TO and CLOSE ON STEWART: He grabs and his pants for his breath….he is TAKING IN the soapy foam that has covered the kitchen.
STEWART
Ahh, It’s Lunch time….Mom isn’t going to be home for hours!!!!
BROKEBACK PIRATES
EXT. LAGOON BEACH — DAY
LAKE PIGONE, mid 20’s, well-built, handsome and tan is shirtless on the beach. He looks like a pirate. He’s rubbing the bare back of another handsome, but older pirate, JEFE ST. BERNARD.
ST. BERNARD
Say it.
(beat)
Say it Scalawag!
Lake rolls his eyes and mechanically responds,
LAKE
Oh by the Queen me lord your back is tender like butterflies breath yet strong enough to father many young lads.
ST. BERNARD
Again. . . oohh.
Some bushes about 20 yards away, move and part allowing the spying APRIL MAY a view. She’s hot! Blonde and beautiful, she looks manufactured as she opens her CELL PHONE lustily.
St. Bernard moans pleasurably.
LAKE
You’ve taught me well oh mighty Captain of all the seas.
ST. BERNARD
I have me boy, but you’ve much more to learn about men’s pleasure. Lower!
Lake complies.
In the bushes, excited April is on the phone whispering,
APRIL
You’ve got to see this. Two guys are going to get it on.
INT. L.A. MANSION — CONTINUOUS
HOLLY HOLY, brunette, 20’s, at her DESK by a window looking out over the ocean. Writing in her JOURNAL she’s on her phone. LA WHISPERS WITH COX LAMAR is airing on her TV.
HOLLY
Daddy needs you to come home.
INTERCUT AS NECESSARY
APRIL
(whispering)
They’re so hot!
HOLLY
April, only guys like watching girls do that.
APRIL
(whispering)
Grow up Holly! So hot. Send you a pic.
INT. GAS STATION — LATER
What happens at the gas station? I’m on pins and needles!
STANK HO: THE MUSICAL
FADE IN:
INT. LUVLUV WHOREHOUSE- BANGKOK-NIGHT
A BEVY of THAI HOOKERS mill about the lounge area of LUVLUV WHOREHOUSE as US SERVICEMEN, INTERNATIONAL MALE TOURISTS, and LOCALS sit and drink and watch 10 THAI STRIPPERS DANCE on the big stage across from the SEMI-CIRCULAR BAR, where these drooling and horny men wait in anticipation, like bulls in pens about to rush their matadors.
The SMOKY LIGHTS flashing their BLUE and PURPLE rays on the dancers appear to be beacons of hope for all of the lonely and horny men who are about to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh at Luvluv Whorehouse tonight.
LOUD HOUSE MUSIC PUMPS it’s rhythm in the lounge, as its energy vibrates through everyone, creating a cacophony of undulating frenzy amongst whore and john alike.
The thai hookers milling about the lounge area work the room like snakes that slither in the grass at night under the full moon, slowly pursuing their helpless prey. FIVE WAITRESSES weave their way through the crowd, taking drink orders, pushing drunks off of them, grabbing crotches, and pouting lips.
One THAI HOOKER sits on a SAILOR’S lap, and grinds out a sexy little dance. The sailor’s THREE FRIENDS WAVE money towards the hooker, as she brushes them off, giving her full attention to their friend.
A short THAI MC with BIG DARK SUNGLASSES, and BIG, GAUDY RINGS on his fingers gets on stage, and is greeted with BOOS from crowd.
CUE FIRST MUSICAL NUMBER…
THE BIG SLEEP 2: WAKE UP CALL
HAND HELD CLOSE UP on Keanu, a tough social worker/desert storm veteran in a tough city. He walks along the empty street. He’s sensitive and caring inside but tries hard not to show it cause that would only make him appear vulnerable and he don’t want that cause, let’s face it, this world is too much of a harsh place for sensitive and vulnerable men. As he comes near his eyes tell us that he knows that… Oh yeah, he’s all too aware of that painful fact.
He sees NANCY sitting on the hood of a car. She seems like bad news to him, but at the same time finds her strangely attractive cause she reminds him of his 5th grade teacher who used to spank him every now and then.
Nancy shoots him an indifferently passionate glance. By looking at Nancy you’d never guess she had a tough childhood and that she has a terrible fear of clowns and bees (more on that later). Ok, now this role’s a perfect vehicle for Cyndi Lauper. I’m sure she’d love to make a comeback. She might need to do a boob job first, but otherwise she’s just perfect for the part. If she refuses, give it to Samantha Fox.
KEANU
(succinctly)
Hey…
NANCY
Are you the social worker I’m waiting for? Have you come to help me with my abusive husband problem? As if it wasn’t enough I had a tough childhood, now I gotta deal with an abusive husband.
KEANU
Well, I guess in this life you play the hand youre dealt. But then again I could be wrong… I’ve been wrong before.
NANCY
Wow, that’s a nice answer. If I was to read that comeback somewhere, say, in a script, I’d certainly buy that script. Or if I was, I don’t know, a reader for a studio, I’d sure as heck recommend this script to my boss, man.
KEANU
I guess you have a point there…
NANCY
So what’d ya think of studio readers anyways?
KEANU
Well, I think they’re very underrated, they offer a tremendous service to the world, and they should get paid more for their efforts.
NANCY
(agreeably)
Hmm… Couldn’t agree more.
KEANU
Yipie caie, motherfuker.
CRANE SHOT on Nancy as she uncrosses her legs in a very sensual and feminine way, but also with a hint of sadness and melancholic despair in the way she moves them.
NANCY
Is that a gun in your pocket or you’re just happy to see me?
(Writer’s note: They won’t give it an R-rating for that, so quit your bitchin’.)
Keanu doesn’t answer. Looks at Nancy’s house. Its an old brownstone (see drawing on page 322)
KANGAROOBOYS
FADE IN:
INT. SALOON – CHRISTMAS EVE, 1883 – AUSTRALIAN OUTBACK – NIGHT
The sound of a herd of kangaroos is heard lowing in the near distance. Gristled looking COWBOYS lounge around the saloon drinking whiskey, uncouthly. Icy wind gusts rattle unseen palm trees out in the dusty mud. The camera PANS COUNTERCLOCKWISE to a card game at a round table. It is oak. We ZOOM into the table and FOCUS on JACK MACDOUGAL, 43, gristly. A pet Koala is perched on Jack’s shoulder.
JACK (forebodingly)
G’day, pardoner. I reckon that tonight is my night!
Jack slaps his cards on the corner of the table, face up, (an unbeatable royal flush!), and rakes in the stack of chips from the center of the table. The sound of low, warbled didgeridoo music swells ominously. A crowd gathers.
TRIPLE CLOSE UP on BENJAMIN HOGAN, 34, gristly, eyes squinting like a night shift Denny’s waitress who just got stiffed on a gratuity.
BEN (nervous, with chutzpah)
You’re a dad-burned cheat, mate! Both you and your flea-bitten bruised up monkey!
The wooden sound of chair legs pushing back on floor boards causes the didgeridoo to screech to a halt! You can cut the air, smelling of stale beer and rotten mangos, with a machete.
Lightning quick, Jack draws his boomerang from it’s holster and cocks it up!
JACK (menacingly, lip quivering like Elvis’)
Insult me, alright mate. But leave the koala out of this!
Suddenly….
Buy my script to see what happens next!
THE MAN WITH NO PROBLEMS
Our hero, the protagonist, CHUCK HANDSOME, sits on a park bench talking to some guy.
CHUCK
I’m having another great day.
Chuck is awesome. Everything in his life is really fantastic. He’s the kind of guy who seems to have no problems whatsoever. But looks can be deceiving. But not in this case, he really has got it all together.
THE GUY
You might not want to hear this, Chuck.
CHUCK
Go ahead.
MAN
You’ve got some problems, things that need fixing.
CHUCK
Like what?
LYLE
Well, your biggest problem is that you’re not willing to change.
Chuck considers what the man, whose name is Lyle, has said.
CHUCK
Okay, I think I can take care of that.
GUY
Oh . . . good.
Lyle notices a cat stuck in a drain.
MAN
Look, there’s a cat stuck in that drain.
Chuck looks. There’s a cat stuck in a drain.
THE MAN (LYLE)
You should rescue it!
CHUCK
Looks like that guy over there is taking care of it.
Some other guy saves the cat.
LYLE
Well . . . I guess you’ve got no real problems.
CHUCK
Yep, everything’s great. No conflict whatsoever.
Chuck and Lyle sit looking at the lovely fall foliage. Chuck smiles. This guy’s really got it made. Just a really swell existence. An absolute pleasure.
THE BIG SLEEP 2: WAKE UP CALL
HAND HELD CLOSE UP on KEANU, social worker/desert storm veteran.
He’s sensitive inside. Tries not to show it cause that would only make him vulnerable and, let’s face it, this world is too much of a harsh place for vulnerable men. His expression tells us he knows that… Oh yeah, he’s all too aware of that painful fact.
Sees NANCY. She seems like bad news to him, but finds her attractive cause she reminds him of his 5th grade teacher who used to spank him at times.
By looking at Nancy you’d never guess she had a tough childhood. Ok, now this role’s a perfect vehicle for Cyndi Lauper. She might need to do a boob job first. If she refuses, give it to Samantha Fox.
KEANU
(succinctly)
Hey…
NANCY
I had a tough childhood.
KEANU
In this life you play the hand your dealt, baby.
NANCY
Wow, I’d like to know you better.
KEANU
I know kung-fu.
NANCY
Yipie kiyay, motherfuker.
CRANE SHOT on Nancy as she uncrosses her legs in a sensual way, but also with a hint of sadness and melancholic despair in the way she moves them.
NANCY
Is that a gun in your pocket or you’re just happy to see me?
(They won’t give it an R-rating for that, so quit your bitchin’.)
Nancy’s house is an old brownstone (see drawing on page 322)
EXT. A SUBLIME MEADOW IN THE REDWOOD FOREST – EARLY MORNING SUN CASTING RAYS OF LIGHT THROUGH A CANOPY OF TREES
A grayish mist fades to reveal a magnificent forest of trees. The sun casts its glorious rays in individual strands like many flashlights shining through a campfire at 45 degree angles. It is art only nature can provide.
These are the Redwoods (and we are in the Redwood Forest), an ancient species of tree some of which are nearly 2000 years old. These trees have seen the first Americans care and love them, the arrival of Columbus, the first whites come and chop them down, cut holes through them big enough for automobiles to drive through, cut down groves of their brethren for decks, homes, cities, and ultimately…the destruction of this amazing life form…and they are pissed.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE GROUND – MOMENTS LATER
A rumbling. Loud, with a deep bass shaking the very foundation of this fragile environment. Nearby a small pool of water displays ringlets of waves reacting to the thundering pulse of the rhythmical thumping. These beats are slow… methodical…they are…footsteps of something very large.
BIGFOOT
(With purpose)
Mmmgggggg. Sniff sniff
We are still looking at the ground when suddenly a GIANT HAIRY FOOT steps into the picture. This is the foot of…BIGFOOT
FADE TO BLACK.
TITLES OVER A BLACK SCREEN READ: SASQUATCH-THE STORY OF BIGFOOT
THE MAN WITH NO PROBLEMS rocks! I, like everyone else in the world, love Chuck too!
FACIST CUMQUATS ON PARADE
FADE IN:
EXT. ETHNIC SECTION NEW YORK CITY – DAWN
A pushcart PAINFULLY CREAKS as it rounds a corner. We push in and down on the creaky wheel – it is warped and the camera moves in time to its rhythm as we pull out to see –
TONY HIMMLER – O’REILLY, in a Black SS uniform, topped with leprechaun hat, pushes the cart. On his shoulder is a monkey dressed like MUSSOLINI.
TONY
Benito, you lazy poltroon, help me push the car begorrah!
We move with BENITO as he hops down and half-heartedly push a wheel as the cart wearily rolls into place. A CHURCH BELL MOURNFULLY TOLLS.
Tony pulls out a sign and uses Benito to nail it the cart. We zoom in to see –MASTERRACE CUMQUATS FOR SALE.
We fade out, then in, to see a street a church door open. NUNS and PENGUINS swarm into the street. We fly among them – hard to tell where Nun stops and Penguin begins, and vice a versa.
We pull out to see MOTHER SUPERIOR BRUNHILDA SCHWARTZ, five feet tall and five foot six square, waddle up to cart. An EMPEROR PENGUIN broods nearby.
Mother Superior runs her fingers over the fruit, coming dangerously close to Tony’s armor plated crotch.
She lingers over a particularly sensual looking piece.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Sure it’s ripe?
TONY
Yes, that’s a cumquat.
Mother Superior smiles knowingly at the Emperor Penguin.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
I fear you may be bragging, my son.
Dear Moderator,
You’ll undoubtedly notice that the first page of my masterpiece “The Big Sleep 2: Wake Up Call” is posted twice (151, 154). The second version is the abridged, eligible one, while the first is the director’s cut. Call me a generous guy, but I thought I should offer to readers the privilege of enjoying both versions. (What the heck, you deserve it). Currently I’m having talks with Quentin and Francis who plan to create a franchise, and already I’m having some ideas for an upcoming sequel, “The Big Sleep 3: Back To Bed”
Day of the Dog Park by G
EXT. PEACEFUL SUNNY PARK – BRIGHT PARK BENCH. DAY
A boy and a girl sit on the bench in a peaceful park on the most sunny day of the year!
The sun beats down of the smiles of the two awesome characters.
BOY ONE, who has thought most about the world sits back and ponders the park when suddenly he sits up.
Boy One
Just a cotton picking minute!
GIRL TWO, is two years younger turns and acknowledges Boy One.
GIRL Two
There’s no time like the present!
Boy one nods and retorts vehemently:
Boy One
Time flies when you’re having fun!
GIRL two pleads articulately:
GIRL Two
Time’s running out!
Boy one argues uproariously:
Boy One
Rome wasn’t built in a day!
GIRL two responds blatantly:
Girl Two
Better late than never!
Boy one backtalks lustily:
Boy One
All dressed up and nowhere to go!
Girl two finally wisecracks emphatically:
Girl Two
All talk and no action!
Boy one raises his voice loudly:
Boy One
All over the map!
Girl two whispers vulgarly:
Girl Two
All in a day’s work!
They have sex on the bench.
Boy One
Uhhhh
Girl Two
Ohhhh
Lustful action.
Finally, they laugh out loud.
Boy One
Tally ho!
The Robot Dog escapes the secret military base.
SOLDIER
Sir, the robot dog has escaped the base!
MAJOR
WHAT! What will we do?
SOLDIER
We must blow up the park!
The boy and the girl hug in love.
BLACK SCREEN
VOICE OVER – MAN’S VOICE: It was one of those days.
FADE IN to our action hero (Bruce Willis would be perfect) MILTON LOWENSTEIN
hanging on to the edge of a cliff.
Blood drips from his cut feet and alligators below lick their chops in
anticipation.
How’s he going to get out of this one, he thinks to himself.
‘Born to be Wild’ plays. Suddenly, a helicopter swoops down and fellow agent MARY BROWN (wouldn’t it be fun if we could get Demi Moore?) swings on a hanging ladder above Milton. She yells down to Milton.
MARY
Hang in there, Milton! Whatever you do don’t look down.
Well of course now Milton has to look down.
One hand slips. He swings out. Mary swings the ladder over to him and he grabs her leg. Slides down her leg. One of her high heels flies off. He grabs the bottom rung.
They both climb the swinging ladder to the warm, cozy, cinnamon-scented cockpit or whatever the inside of the helicopter is called.
MILTON
What took you so long?
MARY
If you expect to soar with the eagles during the day, you can’t hoot with the owls at night.
MILTON
What?
MARY
If you can’t stand the kitchen, get a real job.
MILTON
What?
MARY
I love you, you big lug.
MILTON
Right back atcha, kid.
The HELICOPTER PILOT looks at Milton and gives him the thumbs up (and just for irony’s sake. Let’s have Ashton Kutcher play the pilot!)
FLY WORLD
It is year 2087. There is empty space where the world used to be, because of bad human relations. Humans move by auto-propulsion (flying). They have to because they now breathe air through gills like sharks. You will find out the reason on page 43.
EXT. AIR – DAY
“Fly” by R. Kelly plays. A COUPLE is flying, asleep. They are perfectly synchronized in air because they are married.
GIL
(waking up)
Good morning sweetheart.
ARIEL
Good morning. Are you off to work?
GIL
Off to work sweetie. Crimes to solve.
He kisses her, already dressed, and flies off.
ARIEL looks sad that he is leaving and that she is flying solo for another day.
EXT. AIR – DAY – A LITTLE LATER
HARRY, Gil’s boss, flies up to Gil. They are both flying, side by side.
GIL
Oh no, seeing you can’t be good news.
HARRY
Not good news, no. Roughnecks over where El Salvador used to be.
GIL
I knew that place was trouble.
EXT. AIR NEAR WHERE EL SALVADOR USED TO BE – CONTINUOUS
The corpse is floating in the air, dead. POLICEMEN, all still alive, circle the area.
POLICEMAN 1
Thought you were suspended, Gil.
GIL
Not from the force. I meant in the air. Like everyone nowadays.
POLICEMAN 1
Boy, you said it. What do you think?
(referring to the dead body)
GIL
I think I need coffee.
POLICEMAN 1
Yep. Looks like we’ll be circling here for a while.
DRIVEN
OVER BLACK:
A NEBBISH MAN (V.O.)
I have this uncontrollable, emasculating fear of driving that is deeply rooted in the fact that when I was 4 my father ran over my right foot with our old green station wagon, Bess, and went out of his way to remind me on every single occassion the opportunity presented itself that the accidental loss of the two smallest toes on my right foot, not to mention extremely bad press for his driving school and a mountain of doctor bills that resulted in our subsequent backruptcy and abject poverty, was my fault entirely. 30 years later I’m still a nondriver. I have phantom feeling in the healed flesh where those two toes should be on my right foot, but that’s not the same as having those two toes actually be on my right foot. What if those missing two toes are the real keys to proper gas and break peddle manipulation, and I’m driving when a giant cow falls off the back of a farmer’s truck, mooing to its certain death by collision with my car? I can’t stomp on the breaks with full confidence that I’m actually stomping accordingly because of my phantom toes, and have just killed that poor cow and myself that’s what’s what. I can’t stomach that much guilt. My soul aches when I think about driving. Sometimes, it hurts so much I vomit.
FADE IN:
FORECLOSUREVILLE Page 1 of 167
Copyrighted 1993
FIRST DRAFT
CREDITS ROLL
FADES-IN:
TOPEKA. Yesterday was 51 degrees.
1 INSIDE: SUE’S HOUSE THAT’S FORECLOSING – 7:30 a.m. PST
A bunglow (used to be a ranch prior to the secont floor addition.) Everything smells like Pine-Sol. LOVE THAT SMELL.
SUE, forty-one-3-weeks-and-2-days. A 4’11”, 181 pound BABE.
SUSIE
(wryly)
I don’t know why I’m sanitizing my home when the bank guy is gonna take it from me. I feel sorry for these little roaches. They need a place to live, too.
2 OUTSIDE: SUE’S HOUSE THAT FORECLOSES TOMORROW – 48 hours later
A MAN wearing CLOTHES. He has two eyes, two ears, one nose, one mouth. He won the spelling-bee in 6th grade.
MONTAGE
• He’s WALKING up the path to her door
• He’s WALKING up the steps
• He’s WALKING on the porch
• He’s seeing the DOG
SLOW ZOOM ON DOG
DOG
(wryly)
Ruff-ruff-ruff-growwwl
Man says to Dog: “Is yo masta home? Ah have goot news!”
FLASHBACK
You see Sue WALKING out of her house.
END DREAM SEQUENCE
SUE
(wryly)
Que pasa?????
MAN (Voiceover)
Ah am da BANK MAN! Ah have solution!
SUE
(She know’s this is trickery.)
What solution…………….
MAN
— You pay da mortgage and 29 moe ** you keepa you house.
INSERT – Business Card 202-777-1212
SUE
It has cockroaches.
MAN
Das critters gottas live somewhere.
Sue
You truly are the bank man. Yes, I’ll marry you.
MUSIC PLAYS – Barry Manilow sings “Feelings”
#FADES-OUT#
EXISTENTIAL PARANOIA
FADE IN:
I/E. DARKNESS – OPAQUE AND UNSEARCHABLE – COMPLETE AND TOTAL
Water dripping in the background. The dripping is hollow and high-pitched. The drops are small and fall from an inexplicable distance. Accompanying the dripping is are high strings, intensifying and building expectation.
LIGHTS pop on. Music stops with a knock of what sounds like a judge’s gavel on a sound block.
INT. BATHROOM – CLEAN – PRESENT DAY
The screen is impregnated with the shirtless personage of NORIS BUTTERBEAT, inventor, philosopher, STARBUCKS BARISTA. His is fit and wreckless and he stands facing himself in a mirror. There begins a SLOW ZOOM and PUSH in on his face. He is in pause… holding a thought, his countenance frozen with doubt, he labors under the weight of this heavy silence, bracing himself to speak… Rehearsing? Remembering? Or just GAS? The sound of water continues to drip relentlessly.
The Bathroom LIGHT pops back off.
NORIS
No.
The Bathroom Light pops back on.
NORIS (CONT’D)
Uh-uh.
He slowly shakes his head, from right to left, intensifying in vigor and frustration. He then pitches his head back on his neck, thrusting his chin upward in a defiant tilt.
NORIS (CONT’D)
NO! I am not crazy.
(Beat)
They just haven’t seen for themselves.
(Beat)
I’ll just have to go back in time and show them.
NORIS splashes water on his face, pressing it through his hair. We see him reach down and grab what appears to be an alien skull.
Sandy Nagy, I’m actually envious of you, over what you did with your piece. The only thing that may keep you from winning this contest is the title; Foreclosureville is ironic, memorable, inspires clear imagery and actually really good.
FORCLOSUREVILLE – Inspired work, Sandy!
It Was A Dark And Stormy Night
It was a dark and stormy night, freezing rain slashing violently through London’s newest L.E.D. streetlights.
LIGHTENING splits the night. A newly restored Gothic style church, every gargoyl and spire crusted with ice, sparkles in the flash. On the steps a FILM CREW waits, cameras deployed, PRINCIPLE ACTOR getting makeup.
Across from the church is a long, narrow, very dark, totally unlit, ALLEY filled with dumpsters, homeless pitches, and iron barred windows.
At the far end of the alley, an hourglass shaped blue SHIMMER etches itself against the velvety blackness. The blue shimmer rotates and becomes three dimensional.
Once again the rain drenched sparkling night is sundered by long, complex pulses of LIGHT.
But wait! It’s not LIGHTENING. It’s an interdimensional pyrotechnics from the hourglass.
The hourglass becomes the hood ornament on a huge aluminum rectangle with a wrap-around WINDOW. The rectangle hurtles toward us and we see it is a long, double-decker TOURIST BUS.
STACEY (Elf; 33.5 Elven Years old) leans over the wheel, thrusts his face into the windshield and we see his pointed tufted ears, his slanted brows, his glowing Elven Eyes as the bus screams to a stop at the mouth of the alley.
Elves, Trolls, Goblins, a few indistinct species, fill the bus, and in the back a cluster of WIZARDS armed to the teeth with wizardly weapons, crouch menacingly.
STACEY
Relax folks, our Security Wizards will have that film crew out of there in no time.
I wrote IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT just now to be the springboard for a panel I’m moderating this Friday at Westercon (westercon.org) titled, (aptly) “It was a dark and stormy night ..” where the audience is supposed to create a story, by committee.
I had forgotten about this contest until I was halfway through this horrid travesty and realized it could be an entry.
Busman’s holiday. I do so love cliches.
Jacqueline Lichtenberg
http://twitter.com/jlichtenberg
SHOWGUERRILLAS
Fade in:
INTERIOR, WARNER BROS. STUDIOS, DAY
The camera, tied to some helium balloons, floats upwards revealling 5 men in gorrilla suits dancing to “Jungle Love”. The director jumps up from his chair.
Director
Cut cut cut. That was just
awful. I’m the director and i’m
very very very very dissapointed in
you guys. If you don’t get your groove
on better than that, we’ll never sell
a single box of Gorilla Crispy Cereal.
Now shake what your mama gave you. Action.
One of the gorillas removes his mask. It’s Sylvester Stallone.
Sly
Nobody talks to me like that
One by one, they take their suits off, revealing their combat attire and weapons. As the last man reaches to remove his mask, the cameraman shoots him between the eyes. The big black guy from “The Green Mile” drops to the ground.
Bruce Willis
You thought we were gorillas, but really
we’re geurillas, and were here to set the
reall gorillas you hired free.
The director flies through the air in a karate kick stance, and Sly punches him, which causes a huge explosion. Fire everywhere. Suddenly, the geurillas appear advancing through it high kicking together in chorus-line fassion. The director’s son runs up with his cat, and Bruce Willis takes the cat and rips it in half and points the gushing halves toward the boy. He then points to a monkey cage.
Bruce Willis
Set them free or die punk.
The boy runs over and unlocks the cage. The gorillas run out the front door into the night. Sly turns to Bruce with a serious look.
Sly
This won’t be the first time that
I let my monkey go wild.
FADE IN:
INT. BEVERLY HILLS STREET – 5:00 P.M.
BEVERLY, not old, is running down the street thinking about last night and is sad. She’s crying, and moving through the busy street. She stops at a red light and thinks of Raymond. Light changes to green, she begins to walk across ther street, with her eyes looking down and feeling sadder and sadder by the moment. Then a car driving wayyyyyyyy too fast almost hits her. Raymond is watching her from across the street he freaks out and is running towards her. He gets up to her, and is feeling a bunch of emotions but doesn’t know what to say so he stares at her. She looks u[p and then…
CUE MUSIC: really scary music starts to play.
She screams!!!! HE grabs her. She’s thinking that even though she is upset, she still loves him because of their last year together which wasn’t that bad now, was it?
RAYMOND
You forgot to take yopur medicine Beverly. Come with me. I can help you feel better. You know I always do and then you feel better. I was thinking about you after I woke up and I figured, “hey, she must of forgotton to take her medicine so then I came out of the hotel and I thought, “where’d she go”, then I saw you and that car almost hit you and I freaked out!!!!!!
BEVERLY
(starring at this man and thinking what is going on?)
Do I know you?
LAST SUMMER: By Karen Kevorkian
FADE IN:
P.O.V. OF AN OLD MAN WALKING ON THE DOCK OF A MARINA. – EVENING
SAD MUSIC starts to play, kinda like “The Way We Were” or something like that. You can pick it since you are the director or the “reader” for a great production company and that’s your job! Okay so, this old man is thinking. He quietly smiles. Then he sees a pelican resting on the dock and it reminds him of last summer.
A disco kind of song plays. The sad music is finished by now.
We see his eyes in a super close up and they look surprized. He cocks his head and starts to walk really fast towards the end of the dock. All the while he’s thinking about last summer. There are children playing on the dock and lovers walking along hand in hand really in love!
The old man is still walking to the end of the dock.
FULL SHOT MASH CUT: TO AN OLD WOMAN – EVENING
She’S walking with a cane thinking about him.
I sure hope I make it to the marina before he does something crazy. I keep remembering…
INTENSE MUSIC PLAYS:
OLD WOMAN
… last summer.
CUT TO:
EXT. OF AN OLD MAN WALKING ON THE DOCK OF A MARINA – A LITTLE WHILE LATER, MAYBE A FEW MINUTES, OR SECONDS, YOU CHOSE.
The old man jumps off the dock, nobody sees him! She’s too late.
TALIBAN HILLS CHIHUAHUA
Osama Bin Laden’s gay Chihuahua NUKE flees with Obama’s dog BO, and brings peace to the Middle East.
FADE IN: EXT. BUNKER – NIGHT. CAMERA ZOOMS on: TALIBAN HILLS SPECIAL – 300 NIGHTS FOR PRICE OF ONE. CUE MUSIC: “The Hills Are Alive With the Smell of Prussic”. NUKE stands on bunker.
NUKE
No more Mr Bad Guy. I’m gay and proud; no dog can serve two masters. I have a dream.
ENTER BO below.
NUKE (CONT’D)
Is that a weapon of mass destruction, or are you just pleased to see me?
BO
I come in peace. We are all the President’s men.
CLOSE UP: Tears plop from NUKE’s eyes.
NUKE
But you’re a Portuguese water dog from Teddy Kennedy. I’m just a poor valleys Chihuahua.
They SING to MUSIC “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off”
NUKE (CONT’D)
You say Obama/I say Osama
BO
You say Chihuahua/I say Empower
NUKE
Osama
BO
Obama
NUKE
Chihuahua
BO
Empower
TOGETHER
Let’s call the whole thing off.
BO
(lifting victorious paw)_
We are gonna win, together! Sometimes you gotta kiss ass.
NUKE:
Life is like a box of liver treats! I am a gay Chihuahua!
CLOSE-UP: Nuke descends. They shake paws.
NUKE
Can we really bring peace to the Middle East?
BO
Yes, we can. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon.
FADE-OUT: DOGS trot paw in paw into DAWN. OPENING CREDITS: “A Bo in the hand is worth two in the Bush.”
SAVE THE CAT 2: SAVE HARDER
By Dennis Orris
FADE IN:
INT. PETCO – LOS ANGELES – CHRISTMAS EVE…OF COURSE
Enter CAT McCLANE. He’s just your ordinary cat shopping at PETCO, where the pets go, or is he? He’s a man on a mission, looking for a special brand of cat litter, the kind that clumps.
JUMP TO another aisle. Cat’s wife TABBY McCLANE is shopping for fresh catnip. Suddenly a terrorist organization of PUGS led by none other than the smug PUG GRUBER take over the store. They wear cute miniature Harley Davidson jackets made specifically for small dogs. Gruber’s thugs take Tabby hostage while Gruber takes over the store’s P.A. system.
PUG GRUBER
(In a shitty German accent over the P.A.)
“Ha, Ha, Cat McClane, we meet again, and I kidnapped your wife…again! If you want to see her…again, bring one million milk bones to the Hollywood sign! You have one hour, every minute you’re late I pull out one of her whiskers!”
Cat hears the announcement. He’s pissed!
CAT McCLANE
(shouting)
“Gruber, when I’m finished with you, you’ll be humpin’ the legs of guards at the dog pound! Yippee-kay-yay, motherpugger!”
EXT. HOLLYWOOD SIGN – LATER
SUPER: HOLLYWOOD SIGN, a little later
Gruber holds Tabby hostage with a spray bottle, they stand on top of the letter “H.” Cat arrives as ordered, but sans milk bones. He’s got a trick up his furry little sleeve.
Cat confronts Gruber.
CAT McCLANE
“Let her go, you pugging idiot!”
THAT’S ALL I GOT FOR NOW…I’M AT WORK.
DR. HECKLE AND MR. JIBE
FADE IN:
INT. NIGHT CLUB – VERY EARLY MORNING
A janitor slowly drags a broom behind him. It is dark. Almost nothing can be seen, as it is so dark, but a man sits at an empty bar.
MAN
Boy, I wish I had finished college. It is too bad that I quit going after my science doctorate to go into a stand up comic career that landed me here. Now I have no money and I’ll probably loose my house.
The door opens and hunched old man walks in. He glances around, then turns and leaves. Man laughs.
MAN
You and me both.
The MANAGER walks in and shakes his head.
MANAGER
We’re closed, have been for hours. How about you go home?
MAN
(drunkenly)
I’ll decide when to go home!
(He stands and wavers)
Well, I’m going home.
He takes a step toward the door and falls, not only to the ground, but into a deep sleep.
CUT TO:
DREAM SEQUENCE
INT. MEDEVIL DUNGEON – TWILIGHT
The man is dressed in a lab coat and working with chemicals in test tubes. A HUNCHBACK with a limp hops excitedly from foot to foot. There are no windows, yet lightning manages to shine through.
MAN
Is everything prepared?!
HUNCHBACK
Yes, master! Just as you instructed!
MAN
If we do not finish before the clock strikes midnight, the world will be taken over by communist space-mongooses!
HUNCHBACK
Dirty Reds!
There door bursts open.
HUNCHBACK
It’s too late, Master!
FADE-innie
Dear Mr./Ms. Producer/Director (you know which job you have or both.) You will love this script. I can see Tom Hankserchief and Mega Ryan in the lead roles. Or even, Richard Dere and Julia Robertas. All scenes can be ad-libbed, which will save rehearsal time and $$$.
INT. HOUSE-ON-A-HILLTOP – DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME
JERIMIAH JOJOBEANS (40s) cooks old bacon in an iron frying pan. Fat grease SHOOTS out from all directions (north, south, east, and west.) Some fat pellets land on Bounty, the quicker-picker-upper. SMOLDERING begins. A CAT sniffs at the bacon, almost burns its nose. But Jerimiah SAVES THE CAT by saving the cat.
ZOOM, ZOOM up to the cat.
Enters the beautiful, hour-glass figure, gorgeous hair antagonist BERTHA (I could easily play this role, if needed, except for the antagonist part.)
Bertha and Jerimiah wonder what to do about the icky bacon. Can’t give it to the cat. What a dilemma. Here marks the CATalyst (get it?). They debate with each other over what to do. They decide to have FUN and GAMES and skip ACT TWO all together.
A BAD GUY closes in on the house, but all he gets is LOST. He snuck into the house, but as a living soul he experienced a DARK NIGHT because he was colorblind.
The FINAL IMAGE is of Bertha cooking a great breakfast which is the opposite image in Act 1 Scene 1 which guarantees this movie will be a BLOCKBUSTER.
FADE-outie
EXT. HOT DARK PARK. NIGHT
It was the hottest night of the year on the edge of the lake where people just feel creeped out like something bad is going to come up out of the woods near the BBQ grills where people cook hotdogs and hamburgers and sometimes steak.
Harry
I’m going to tell you a horror story.
(He says grimly)
Wind blows and in the distance we hear a wolf howl at the moon, which is showing up in the right hand corner of the screen.
Sherry
And I bet it involves this knife!
(She says sharply)
Sherry cuts the cheese – a real good piece of gooda. It’s really the only kind she has ever eaten.
Berry
I bet it involves this goat!
(He kids)
Berry is making an animal head shadow puppet and it’s making him feel really good inside. It’s pretty funny. Then, horns grow up out of the goat and it becomes scary.
Jerry
I’m already so scared I might go into cardiac arrest!
(He says half heartedly)
Jerry grabs his chest. He sticks his tongue out and as he does, he passes a little wind. He lets out a little, “Huu Huu,” then real THUNDER and Lightning pop.
Larry
I just don’ t know where you come up with these stories!
(he muses)
Larry is blind and can’t see.
Harry
Well, there’s always time for more!
(he admits after a second)
Suddenly a hatchet flings out through the darkness and chops off Harry’s head!
ESCAPE FROM MONDOR
Light:
1. EXT. Two eyes.
EXT. Two moons.
EXT. Space Building. The camera moves here in one take!
EXT. Clock. Its on the building and reads: 9PM Moondor Time. It starts loud and is heard in a valley near it.
INT. Space Valley, Bedroom, Jake’s Bedpod. A bedpod has been pulled off a wall. On it’s Jake Warner asleep. But, he has heard the clock and begins to wake from slumber.
INT. Jake’s face. The light from two suns begins to shine on Jake’s face. Yawning, he begins to smell his feet. They smell. He says (shocked) “Eww, smelly.” He puts on slippers and goes.
INT. Jake’s Eyes. Crust was on them. It’s obvious he was very tired. He remembers that today is his first day at work, so he proceeds to walk to the bathroom faster than normal.(Two years ago Jake came to Mondoor to start a new life after his 2nd wife of six years died. Then, he got the idea to work for the largest corporation, Slamtek. But, he doesn’t yet know the evil Slamtek killed his wives. Jake is the Chosen One, as we shall soon see).
Credits Begin to Start. Show Jake getting washed up, reading a holo-newspaper, driving to work in a space-car. The credit montage music is futuristic. The space-car is futuristic too.
2. CUT TO. Jake’s Office.
FREE FALL TO OBLIVION
FADE IN:
INT. HAIGHT ASHBURY WHOLE BAY PIZZA – NIGHT
TITLE: 1967, HAIGHT ASHBURY WHOLE BAY PIZZA
ECU – HIGHLY POLISHED, SPIT SHINED DINGO BOOTS REFLECTING THE IMAGE OF …
CUT TO:
RICO ABALONE, taught sinewed arms, yet dapper, shoulder length raven hair, toothpick in mouth, (perfect for Pierce Brosnan using CGI to make him look 22) admiring his kisser reflecting back at him from his spit shined Dingo boots.
SFX: SIZZLING MUSHROOMS AND MELTING MOZARELLA
JUMP CUT TO CAMERA ZOOM DOLLY OUT LIKE IN “VERTIGO” OF:
RITA, beautiful hippie in paisley peasant top (Meg Ryan again using CGI) carrying a piece of mushroom topped pizza to Rico.
He smiles, she smiles back but there is a cold strange glint in her eye.
He bites into it.
SUDDENLY THE SOUND OF A SITAR STRUM.
His eyes roll back in his head, he fights it, but …
CUT TO:
SPINNING NEWSPAPER
Headline: NOTORIOUS PSYCHO MUSHROOM KILLER RELEASED FROM QUENTIN TODAY
INT. SAN QUENTIN – DAY
Rico stares at his kisser in the scuffed prison shoes toe.
GUARD
(contemptuously)
You got lucky the Sacramento liberal elites overturned the death penalty in 1967. You should have fried like the psychedelic mushrooms on top of that pizza you claimed caused you to heartlessly and cold-bloodedly slaughter fourteen peace loving hippies at the Haight Ashbury Whole Bay Pizza oh so many years ago. Time off for good behavior, bah!
Rico’s icy stare sends cold shivers down his spine.
DEATH NELL??
FADE FROM LIGHT TO DARK:
NELL, 24, is a lethal assassin, with BLONDE HAIR CURLED ABOUT HER FACE, who walks down a DARKENED ALLEY, with a LARGE .44 MAGNUM REVOLVER, dangling from her dainty hand.
She’s dressed in SINFUL SKIN-TIGHT JEANS, and a BROWN GRUNGE TANK TOP, with the left sleeve classically draped over her shoulder.
She’s approaching her target: A DIRTY DERELICT, huddled drunkenly against the wall of the alley, PUKING last night’s MEAL onto his WORN OUT SHOES. This derelict is none other than a former WALL STREET TRADER, who fell from grace during the market’s recent fallout. His name is BOB, 53, and he really looks like shit. A fitting comeuppance for a piece of shit.
NELL
Are you the piece of shit formerly known as Bob?
DIRTY DERELICT
Huh? I’m just a dirty derelict vomiting up his dinner. Please allow me the courtesy to act out this misery in the privacy that is my misery.
NELL
You words slither out suavely like a former Wall Street trader.
DIRTY DERELICT
Do I owe you money?
NELL
You owe many people much money, and I’m here to collect with your life and soul.
Bob, the dirty derelict, pukes on Nell’s STILETOES. Wrong move, Bob. The magnum’s HAMMER IS COCKED now. BANG! BLAM! BLOOD OOZES out of Bob’s mouth, as his lifeless body slumps onto the dark alley’s dirtiness. Nell stands over Bob and SPITS on his BLOODIED FACE. She looks up into the night sky.
Don’t Mind Me
INT. BRIAN’S BRAIN –
We are inside the brain of the most creative person on earth. We’ve never seen anything like the images BRIAN’s BRAIN can create.
EXT – CROSS WALK – DAY
BRIAN (23) crosses the street at super busy noon while listening to his iPod – some cool song that makes you get up and move – like Walking on Sunshine.
BRIAN doesn’t see the BUS! LOOK OUT!
CRASH! BOOM! BAM!
BRIAN is Knocked out (he kinda does two flips over and then must be flat down on his face.) and the camera zooms in so that we see he is unconscious.
INT. BRIAN’S BRAIN –
The once busy brainscape is now Totally dark. So dark you can’t see what he’s thinking. He must be knocked out or going into a coma or something. That’s when we see:
WILLIE BIRD, a weird kinda character, hops into the (or out of depending on how you see this) shot from the black.
WILLIE BIRD
(So Totally confused)
What is going on! I ain’t seen nothing
this dark in 23 years! Hello?
There is no answer – no sound. Just silence.
WILLIE BIRD stands there looking around for at least 10 to 15 seconds.
WILLIE BIRD
(A Little Like Chris Rock)
Well, bird on a wire – a dark wire! What
am I going to do! OH! That’s it! I will
engineer a communication system and
that will have to bring the light back!
That’s a winner!
EXT – CROSSWALK – DAY
Bryan lays there – is he dying?
STAY SWEETLY WITH ME, DARLING ETERNAL
FADE IN:
INT. INTENSIVE CARE — DAY
The pristine Caribbean sun wafts in through the Venetian blinds covering the panoramic view of the luxurious beach beyond.
DARLEANA, her head completely wrapped in Johnson and Johnson guaze except for one eye slit through which WE SEE her incredibly beautiful Bermuda lagoon colored turquoise eye with little orange/red flecks instantaneously bringing to mind the petulant stripes of the Scorpaenidae as it lazily catches the sun above the pristine white coral reef awaiting its prey.
CUT TO: A loose plastic hose runs from an airtank and into yet another slit in the puffy gauze and running into her nostril and WE HEAR the labored breathing of lungs filled with fluid and the WHISH, SWISH of the rhythmic air pump beside her bed.
BACK TO: Darleana’s eye, and in it reflected the deeply concerned and troubled face of her true love JASON POMEROY, his steadfast lips pursed together as if perchance to say something, anything that will rejuvenate Darleana and cause her to leap sprightly from the hospital bed in which she is cruelly confined.
JASON
(Attempting to speak, then stopping, then pushing his clenched enraged fist to his teeth as he fights back the pain)
I do not know … what to … say, my … beloved.
Darleana’s pupil grows larger for she is girding herself for the confrontation ahead.
OFF a BABY CRIES in the maternity ward next door.
WIPE TO:
FLASHBACK
TITLE=BARNEY THE PURPLE-ASS DINOSAUR IS A PLAGIARIST BASTARD AND SO AM I.
Screenplay by: Barry Cutler
====================================================
START MOVIE. ROLL CREDITS
A purple blob clings to a yellow blob on a sinking ship.
(reader. The story gets good here. I promise.)
CRANE ZOOMS IN REVEALING barney the dinosaur dangling from the bow, clasping Big Bird’s golden, flaxen feathers, fluttering in the coolness of a fabulous July morning.
BIG BIRD
DIE YOU PLAGIARIST *&^%ER!
Big bird guns down a cat, meowing to be saved.
CUE TITANIC SONG
BARNEY SWEATING
You’re making a mistake.
(sings: Celine Dion’s Voice)
Near. Far. Wherever you are. I
believe that the heart does go on…
BIG BIRD
You wouldn’t know an original song
if it bit you in the ass.. HYACINTH!
JAWS SPRINGS from THE placid blue ocean MISSING BARNEY’S SIZE 24 CROCS BY CENTIMETERS.
BARNEY SWEATING
HE missed my size 24 crocs by centimeters!
(director make sure you follow jaws swiimig away okay?)
BARNEY SINGS: “I love you. You love me.
We’re a Happy Family.”
BIG BIRD
Proves my point…oversized plum! You stole
from a children’s rhyme.
(SINGS)
This old man, he played one. He played nick
nack on my thumb.
Barney Tells him he thinks their theme is jealousy.
BARNEY
I think our theme is jealousy.
Roy Scheider appears on a raft aiming a rifle at Jaws.
roy: I got you now you son of a bitch
The shot misses the sea beast, blasting a hole in the sinking ship..
Barney plops in the water trying to out swim Jaws!
(wait until you see what happens in act two!!!!!!!)
ROAD OF THE DAMNED
FADE IN
EXT. SAHARA DESERT – HIGH NOON
Momentary calm broken by the sound of wind rushing in from the distance. Sand devils whir in dizzying circles, colliding until a veil obscures the horizon. A shadow moves through it, and is replaced by a man, JAKE TANNON, astride a black stallion. CLOSEUP as he pulls his cloak in tight and braces himself against the sandpapery wind. Moments later, he stops a few feet in front of a beautiful young WOMAN. She wears a simple cotton dress that’s whipping around her knees. Her RED HAIR dances about in the wind like the flames of a wildfire. Jake’s stallion pulls at its bit uneasily.
JAKE
Who are you?
WOMAN
(smiling devishly)
Your worst nightmare.
JAKE
(defianantly)
You don’t scare me.
The Woman lifts her arms; the wind halts abruptly. She moves closer, her face transformed, a hag stands before him. Jake’s stallion rears up in terror. Jake holds his mount.
WOMAN
Now, don’t be that way.
(Her coal black eyes now ablaze)
JAKE
Stand aside, woman!
(CONTINUE)
The woman vanishes, then reappears seated behind Jake, her shapely legs straddling the stallion: her beauty restored.
CONTRAZOOM She draws her full lips back savagely and flashing her red, snake-like tongue trills in deafening decibels.
The stallion lurches forward and gallops away in a terrified frenzy.
RISING CRANE SHOT The woman’s bare legs urge the horse on towards a burning village ahead.
WIDE-ANGLE A winged shadow looms. A hawk shrieks.